First Thanksgiving

I am sitting in my workout clothes, eating pumpkin pie directly from the dish, looking at the mulled wine stains on the tablecloth, and thinking about yesterday.

It was DH, S, and me. The coziest, sweetest day, more beautiful than I’d fantasized it would be.

I made a pumpkin pie from a recipe that my dear friend R (from posts past) gave to me, actually taught to me one Thanksgiving. She is opening a restaurant in HI now and I miss her so much. The smell and the taste of the pie made me feel close to her. It turned out to be a Charlie Brown sort of pie, in terms of its looks—“She ain’t purty, but she’s mine,” I announced when I removed it from the oven—but it tastes delicious. (And is the perfect post-elliptical-machine meal, apparently!)

We made our first turkey ever! Which turned out to be a great, if mixed, experience. It tasted fabulous, but let’s just say that it was good for us to be reminded where our meat comes from. DH was vegetarian/vegan for years and years, and I’m a wannabe vegetarian. We vowed to be more careful about buying meat locally, and to look more into ways we can reduce meat consumption or eliminate it entirely. The “young turkey,” as it was labeled (“might as well say, ‘young and innocent turkey,’ DH murmured), reminded us of S. I know that might sound crazy. But they were about the same size, and when we felt the turkey’s ribs and little bent wings…well, let’s just say it was an intense reminder of the respect we need to treat all of life.

We also made green bean casserole, stuffing, mashed ‘taters and gravy, cranberry sauce—with more than a little help from our friend’s at Trader Joe’s! DH made mulled cider and we both had a cup—me in my bedroom slippers and robe, DH with bedhead—well before noon. We sipped on it all day and never got tipsy but just felt incredibly relaxed. Later we made mulled wine, after S went to sleep, and sipped on that while playing checkers, a youtube video of a fireplace fire playing on the TV.

We dressed S in a dashing long-sleeved onesie printed with a vest and gobble-gobble tie and snapped a picture of him that is so beautiful it kind of takes your breath away. He’s smiling, beaming, looking content and ready for the day, sunlight in the windows. We can’t stop looking at it.

Lots of playing, cooking with S strapped to my back, a walk in the autumnal woods, smelling the neighbors’ wood-stove smoke, carrying mugs of mulled cider.

It was a special day. We made it special. It was what I always wanted on this holiday. There is something about cooking the bird, making the spread, creating the ambiance, doing all of it with grace, that feels like a rite of passage securely into adulthood, parenthood.

Before eating, DH and I took turns saying what we were thankful for, and I listed things like getting to stay home with S and not having to work, and DH’s flexible work schedule that allows him to see us often during the weekdays. We both, of course, said a lot about S.

Who will, by the way, be one in a week! Sometimes I’m like, “Wow, we managed to keep alive and raise up this little human for an entire year, that’s completely insane.” The learning curve is steeeeeep. How far we’ve come that we can manage it all, keep him entertained and happy while making a Thanksgiving Day spread, for example. In the early months, you just don’t think you’ll ever be able to handle so much. But then you do. And you keep doing. And it’s an everyday brand of enlightenment and growth that makes you so curious to find out what happens next.

Leave a comment


  1. Sounds like a wonderful family time. :) I can’t believe the baby is going to be one soon! Crazy….

  2. What an amazing day! I had forgotten (dont ask me how) of how close the wee ones are in age. Did we manage to give birth a day apart? Where did the year go?

  3. Thanksgiving in a bathrobe – sweet! We nixed my dickhead in-laws this year, and I wore my slippers all day given the select company of my mom, brother, and husband, who’ve all seen me many mornings at one point or another with bedhead. Glad you had such a cozy day.


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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