Being happy

I am sitting in the sun in my son’s playspace, typing this on a computer on top of a Remo kids percussion drum, and understanding that I am happy. Happy. It’s strangely hard to say that without feeling like I’m exaggerating. I am content. I feel peace. It seems as though I keep writing these posts to explore that happiness and sense of peace because some part of me can’t quite believe it, some part of me is waiting for something to disrupt the peace, because for years my life was a landscape of rupture and repair, rupture and repair, rupture and repair.

How to be happy? How to accept that one is happy, content, at peace? To let it settle in the bones and the heart and feel that it belongs there?

That my body and mind are a home to happiness?

Gradually. Through exploring the new state and reinforcing its existence. Through reflection. Through words.

The newborn months were of course amazing, but they were very challenging and there was a feeling of barely managing to survive—a very different feeling than peace. And then he was able to roll over; sleep for long stretches; sit up; take more consistent naps. The acid reflux went away at 7 months. He transitioned from a “challenging” babe to an “easy baby” (although I’ve grown to kind of avoid those labels). We traveled, we saw lots of family and dear friends. S blossomed, socially, and continued to meet his milestones a little early, and our family of three knitted closer and closer together. I transitioned into a wife who takes her husband for granted less and has a habit, now, of apologizing for missteps and never forgetting to express warmth and love to her man. All of this movement, growth, planting, fruition.

And now it is time to relax. To let the contentment reign.

We wake at 7, as a family, have breakfast together. We go until 10, getting ready for the day, playing, walking, what have you. S naps from 10 to 12. Lunch at 12:30 and play time, playdates, and so on, happen until about 3. 3 to 5, he naps again. We eat dinner as a family from 6 to 7. We play, bathe, read, from 7 to 8, when baby boy goes to bed. Mama and Dada then might make a vintage cocktail (our new hobby) and watch Nashville, with lots of commentary. Sometimes we make each other laugh so hard we can’t breathe.

It’s a simple, beautiful way to spend the day, to spend a life. I am so used to feeling yearning–habitual yearning, grasping—that I have to remind myself that it is okay not to yearn.

I will feel like something is missing. That I’ve forgotten something. And then it will hit me: I am feeling the absence of discontent, of yearning. And then I will tell myself to just sit with the peace and contentment, to enjoy it.

There are things I still want, of course. I want to live closer to my extended family in Midwest, so they can be a big part of S’s growing up. I want a home, not an apartment on the second floor of a house, and one with more space, with a big porch, a garden, a kitchen I can cook in more easily. I want to become more financially savvy and pay off our debts. I want to write fiction, non-fiction, articles, essays. I want to exercise more and feel more comfortable in my body. I want my hair to grow long again. But it is different to want something than it is to painfully yearn for it.

I seem to have so much more perspective now than I’ve ever had, and it is allowing the peace to flow in.

I’m so grateful I had the strength to leave my first marriage eight years ago at age thirty-three and stumble through a very thorny forest to arrive right here.

Leave a comment


  1. Ah… Happy Monday!!

  2. Julia

     /  October 20, 2015

    AlthOugh i’ve been a poor commenter, I am still here, happily reading along. I am so happy for you to have reached this feeling of contentment. It sounds glorious.

  3. I absolutely adore where you are at! Here now sans thorns.

  4. “Sans thorns”–love that!

  5. So happy for you. And I am in a similar place in my own life after a somewhat similar journey. The absence of yearning, the absence of doctors appointments and all accoutrements….. Thanks for your words.


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
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    Gluten-free diet
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    March 14, 2014:
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    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
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    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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