Snip, snip / Just the three of us

DH and I had sex this morning, hooray! We’re working up to once a week. Because, come on, we’re capable. Little one is ten months old, and it’s time to stop making excuses. We’ve had some dry spells, to put it mildly, but we’ve remained very connected, in love, affectionate. And we’ve talked about the decrease in sex with lots of wry looks and joking. In short: it really hasn’t had a negative effect on our relationship. But now we want it back. We would both like to get in a little (okay, a lot) better shape, physically, and we are both all for a vasectomy. We’ve moved past the phase of just casually talking about vasectomy to putting “research vasectomy, insurance coverage” on the to-do list…

Because this morning, while we did it, and did it for a tiny while without a condom, I admit, because we both are not the hugest condom-fans, I had the thoughts: What if I get pregnant, what if I need another D & C, how will another loss affect my parenting, my mental health, what will it be like to get up on that table again, to do Lovenox shots again…etc. NOT SEXY THOUGHTS. But even after we put on a condom, the thoughts were still there. I guess when you go through what we’ve gone through, it’s perfectly natural to worry when you toe toward the edge of the cliff. But what if we didn’t have to worry?

I don’t want to go on birth control pills, and we don’t like condoms, so vasectomy really does seem like the wisest choice. Because my longshot dreams of having a miracle second baby, just by doing it with my husband—while never quite believed, the dreams existed—are pretty much gone.

Because the truth is, I don’t want to be pregnant again. The truth is, even if there were some magical way for us to know that a pregnancy would be healthy, and DH and I could know with 100% certainty that we would have a healthy biological child together, I still would not want to be pregnant.

I’m amazed I’m saying that, but it is the truth. I would actually, at this point, prefer adoption to being pregnant again. I don’t want to put my body through that again. It wasn’t awful; parts of it were absolutely amazing; but I don’t want to do it again.

And as time passes, I’m moving closer and closer to thinking I might actually prefer having one child to having two children. To letting go of the adoption idea. There has been a shift. It’s not just acceptance that we’ll have one child—it’s moving toward preference for one child.

I think the preference to not be pregnant again and the preference to have only one child (at least at this point) stems in large part from two things. Most importantly, I am loving the dynamic between the three of us. It is simply the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced and totally fulfilling, so there is no yearning. Secondly, I am going to be 42 in a few months, and my body is changing, has changed quite a bit since S was born, and I just don’t have the energy and resilience that I used to, the energy and resilience I would like to have if we had another child.

I see the three of us happily building a safe, loving home filled with everything we need. I see the three of us traveling easily together. I see the intimacy and peace.

This morning, DH and I were hugging for a long time, and S pulled himself up on Dada’s pant-leg, grinning up at us, wanting in on the action. DH swooped S up into his arms, and S put his arm around my neck. We did a group hug, and S leaned over and kissed me first on the cheek and then on the mouth.

Then we went back to our family band—drum, toy accordion, and guitar. S plays the drum expertly (he seriously has rhythm) and can also strum the guitar really well, now, while I hold it. And this morning, he started singing in earnest. Not just random singing sounds. He is trying to sing the song with us. It blows my mind.

All of it blows my mind.

He says words. He talks. He laughs with abandon. He pulls himself up and walks around using the furniture and gates. He imitates everything we do. His smile is utter heartbreak. He loves life. He loves people. He is so happy.

He is a ham. He is crazy about people and at this point has zero stranger anxiety. He is very attached to us, and yet he still loves to dive into the arms of other people, smiling, charming the heck out of them. To give an example, every stewardess on the last plane we were on held him at some point.

He has been waving and pointing for quite a while now. He does the “starman handshake,” and he loves to throw both arms up into the air and go, “Wooo!”

When someone says hello to him, his face breaks open into that sunny grin. He is magnetic. Beautiful, oh so beautiful.

In Ohio, he loved on every single one of my family members at some point. He loved to collapse on soft blankets and go, “Ohhh-hhhhh,” while we said, “So soft!” He loved to rock back and forth and upside down with my mom.

He loves books, being read to, and more than anything, dancing and drumming. I’ve never seen a kid dance so much. If he hears even a snatch of distant music, he starts bopping his head.

He makes everyone he sees happy, and he makes me see the world in all its beautiful detail.

There are so many updates, so many more details about him to share, but I’ll leave it at that for now.

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3 Comments

  1. Great to hear from you and read about your plans! I get it. If I found out I was pregnant right now that would NOT be welcome news. Amazing how I can say that now after everything …

    Reply
  2. It must be a kind of peace to come to that realization, to discover what you truly want and what you don’t want. I get it, almost all of it, from my own experience. It sounds like the three of you are this beautiful triad, balanced gorgeously. I am starting to realize how difficult having more than one child will be, for a lot of the same reasons, and I think it’s perfectly fine to be okay with a new vision. I love the updates on little Mr. S, he sounds like such a sweetheart.

    Reply
  3. This is a wonderful post. It sounds like you are in such a great place! Love it. :)

    Reply

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