I love being a mom. I want to have another baby…

At this moment, that is, I have this bizarrely strong desire, out of nowhere, to have another baby! No, It’s not out of nowhere…it is out of loving, loving, loving being a mama, being a family, S on my hip and in my heart, Dada and his puppet shows, S laughing in the swimming pool, quiet moments the three of us spooned, hilarious moments the three of us breathless with laughter, the way S looks at me and pulls my face toward him and open-mouth kisses my cheek with an “Ahhh-ah,” the family baths and walks and story times, the way S happily, contentedly sat between us on the plane to Florida (where we are now) and played with our hands and bravely looked out the window during takeoff and landing with that insatiable, fearless curiosity of his, the way he now says “Mama” and tucks into me when he has bumped his head. It is the most fulfilled I have ever felt, and I can see how it is only going to get richer. That’s where it is coming from. That and looking at old photo albums of DH and his brother. That and S being at that magical, fun 6 month age. That and the healing of my body. That and imagining S with a siblings hand in his…

Crazy. I had been moving toward such peace and acceptance of having one child and really not thinking it wise to pursue my original vision, and so tired that the thought of another was completely overwhelming. I did not expect the desire to come back so suddenly and strongly! 

But we most likely won’t. That is the reality. I know that and I do have peace about it. I just wanted to record the surprising emergence of his feeling, and the even more surprising accompanying thought, “Hm, yeah, I could stand being pregnant again, going through the third trimester again…” That biological drive and it’s sister, amnesia! 

Writing this on my phone so will leave at that. 

Previous Post
Leave a comment


  1. Polly

     /  June 15, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your love of being a mama. I’ve read too many blogs recently of those who’ve found motherhood not as enjoyable as they’d hoped it would be (which is not encouraging to my 32 week-pregnant self). Trusting I’ll love it as much as you do!

  2. Can’t believe he’s 6 months already! It goes to quick eh? xo

  3. I love reading your blog and have been waiting for an update…and how eerily similar it is to my current situation!! My twin girls (via donor egg) are now 4 months old and I have a powerful urge to have another baby. My husband said NO and that’s final, and I’m miserable. I love my girls so much and want to do it all over again …

  4. JK

     /  June 15, 2015

    So nice to hear from you and learn that you, DH, and S are well. Are you thinking DE again or adoption? If you do decide to go for another child via adoption, I would highly recommend the agency we went through. Email me–I’d love to give you the details.

  5. Ah love reading these warm and comfy thoughts.

  6. Oh hun! For some reason I just loved reading this post. So there isn’t a chance you could do this all over again?

  7. I’m right there with you, although now as my daughter is reaching 14 months, I am finding peace with her only-child status, making me think those earlier longings were also about lots of crazy hormone-induced emotions. I always imagined having two; so, my family does not look anything like I imagined it would when I first embarked on this journey. But, it is far more beautiful, more infused with laughter and love than I ever could have dreamed. Thanks for sharing about this, and for making me feel less alone.

    Glad the three of you are doing so well. S sounds adorable!

  8. We’ve got a while to go before we can think about doing all this again, but M is already waxing poetic about how Q isn’t a tiny baby anymore and he wants a little brother or sister. I, on the other hand, am still somewhat sleep deprived and hence am a bit more pragmatic about the whole thing. :) Glad to hear that you guys are doing so wonderfully!

  9. Oh, biology and amnesia, you funny combination. It’s totally understandable that you’d want another, especially with all the joy you have with S. I have a cousin who had four and cried when the fourth was born because she’d never have a little baby again. Different than realizing that one is pretty much what life is handing you, as an edict not a choice, but so interesting how strong that drive is to just keep on making more babies. We also are struggling with the fact that we’d love to have a sibling for our little FutureBaby, but just aren’t sure it’s possible. Domestic adoption has proven pretty hugely expensive, in a different way than IVF (even though we’ll spend at least a third of what we shelled out for what did not work whatsoever, which seems comparatively a bargoon, it hurts to shell it out pretty much all at once). We do have those embryos in the freezer, although at this point going back to that hell seems foolish and highly unappealing. But, who knows once the call to have another baby comes? I get it. I think it’s great to put it up here for posterity, to remember the emergence of this feeling, to chronicle this part of your journey, too. Peace and love to you!


Leave a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 215 other followers

  • Posts By Month

  • tut072012@gmail.com

  • DMCA.com© the unexpected trip, theunexpectedtrip.wordpress.com, 2012-2017.
  • Recent Posts By Title

  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

  • Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: