I love being a mom. I want to have another baby…

At this moment, that is, I have this bizarrely strong desire, out of nowhere, to have another baby! No, It’s not out of nowhere…it is out of loving, loving, loving being a mama, being a family, S on my hip and in my heart, Dada and his puppet shows, S laughing in the swimming pool, quiet moments the three of us spooned, hilarious moments the three of us breathless with laughter, the way S looks at me and pulls my face toward him and open-mouth kisses my cheek with an “Ahhh-ah,” the family baths and walks and story times, the way S happily, contentedly sat between us on the plane to Florida (where we are now) and played with our hands and bravely looked out the window during takeoff and landing with that insatiable, fearless curiosity of his, the way he now says “Mama” and tucks into me when he has bumped his head. It is the most fulfilled I have ever felt, and I can see how it is only going to get richer. That’s where it is coming from. That and looking at old photo albums of DH and his brother. That and S being at that magical, fun 6 month age. That and the healing of my body. That and imagining S with a siblings hand in his…

Crazy. I had been moving toward such peace and acceptance of having one child and really not thinking it wise to pursue my original vision, and so tired that the thought of another was completely overwhelming. I did not expect the desire to come back so suddenly and strongly! 

But we most likely won’t. That is the reality. I know that and I do have peace about it. I just wanted to record the surprising emergence of his feeling, and the even more surprising accompanying thought, “Hm, yeah, I could stand being pregnant again, going through the third trimester again…” That biological drive and it’s sister, amnesia! 

Writing this on my phone so will leave at that. 

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10 Comments

  1. Polly

     /  June 15, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your love of being a mama. I’ve read too many blogs recently of those who’ve found motherhood not as enjoyable as they’d hoped it would be (which is not encouraging to my 32 week-pregnant self). Trusting I’ll love it as much as you do!

    Reply
  2. Can’t believe he’s 6 months already! It goes to quick eh? xo

    Reply
  3. I love reading your blog and have been waiting for an update…and how eerily similar it is to my current situation!! My twin girls (via donor egg) are now 4 months old and I have a powerful urge to have another baby. My husband said NO and that’s final, and I’m miserable. I love my girls so much and want to do it all over again …

    Reply
  4. JK

     /  June 15, 2015

    So nice to hear from you and learn that you, DH, and S are well. Are you thinking DE again or adoption? If you do decide to go for another child via adoption, I would highly recommend the agency we went through. Email me–I’d love to give you the details.

    Reply
  5. Ah love reading these warm and comfy thoughts.

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  6. Oh hun! For some reason I just loved reading this post. So there isn’t a chance you could do this all over again?

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  7. I’m right there with you, although now as my daughter is reaching 14 months, I am finding peace with her only-child status, making me think those earlier longings were also about lots of crazy hormone-induced emotions. I always imagined having two; so, my family does not look anything like I imagined it would when I first embarked on this journey. But, it is far more beautiful, more infused with laughter and love than I ever could have dreamed. Thanks for sharing about this, and for making me feel less alone.

    Glad the three of you are doing so well. S sounds adorable!

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  8. We’ve got a while to go before we can think about doing all this again, but M is already waxing poetic about how Q isn’t a tiny baby anymore and he wants a little brother or sister. I, on the other hand, am still somewhat sleep deprived and hence am a bit more pragmatic about the whole thing. :) Glad to hear that you guys are doing so wonderfully!

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  9. Oh, biology and amnesia, you funny combination. It’s totally understandable that you’d want another, especially with all the joy you have with S. I have a cousin who had four and cried when the fourth was born because she’d never have a little baby again. Different than realizing that one is pretty much what life is handing you, as an edict not a choice, but so interesting how strong that drive is to just keep on making more babies. We also are struggling with the fact that we’d love to have a sibling for our little FutureBaby, but just aren’t sure it’s possible. Domestic adoption has proven pretty hugely expensive, in a different way than IVF (even though we’ll spend at least a third of what we shelled out for what did not work whatsoever, which seems comparatively a bargoon, it hurts to shell it out pretty much all at once). We do have those embryos in the freezer, although at this point going back to that hell seems foolish and highly unappealing. But, who knows once the call to have another baby comes? I get it. I think it’s great to put it up here for posterity, to remember the emergence of this feeling, to chronicle this part of your journey, too. Peace and love to you!

    Reply

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