The Wow

Dare I say it? It is getting easier:

  • ST is getting older—he is one month old! His digestive system maturing, and he now weighs eight pounds!
  • The hypoallergenic formula is going down much, much, much easier than what he was eating before.
  • The acid reflux medication is working.
  • “Colic” symptoms are disappearing (I don’t think he ever had it, I think it was always GI stuff) and he has much more happy time.
  • We are learning how to soothe him better. There is this specific rocking technique we use that basically imitates the glider–a kind of slight down-up, out-back, to a heartbeat rhythm, that oftentimes will soothe him straightaway.
  • He is waking up to the world—with delight and curiosity that makes me swoony.
  • I am becoming more confident. I am singing to him more and more loudly, sometimes belting my favorites (folk, old country), and he goes quiet, open-mouthed, and bright-eyed with fascination. In those moments, the connection is really powerful, and he forgets any discomforts.
  • Papa is dancing with him at night to early-90s hip-hop, sometimes while freestyling songs about ST, and ST has the same sort of reaction.
  • ST is becoming more and more able to entertain himself—so soon! This morning, he hung out under the crib mobile for an entire hour, just watching the lions, elephants, and zebras go around and around, listening to the same lullaby fifty times, exercising his little arms and legs, trying out new sounds with his developing vocal chords.

Yesterday, I had to stop holding him and silently cry a few times because of the old familiar ache of love that threatens to make my heart explode. A feeling which is not really abating, just getting more complex as he gets more complex. I find myself imagining the future him more and more, even while I want to savor every moment of the now. And sometimes feel panicky about the whole thing. I don’t want to miss anything, and yet sometimes the intensity of the love is difficult for me.

I catch myself not believing that he is actually here, that he exists.

You might be wondering about the donor egg aspect of all this…in my case, it really doesn’t matter at all. He’s my boy. I’m his mama. Our relationship feels so solid. I haven’t felt any grief or mourning-type feelings about the genetics. I understand why some women might feel differently about their DE journeys and don’t judge that. But in my case, the DE aspect really could not be less important.

ST is a sensitive little dude. As DH said, he probably gets that from both of us—genetically and epigenetically and from being around us in the world. He is our kid in all senses.

He’s over there right now, after a morning of singing and hanging out and making my heart happy. He’s getting a double chin. We now sometimes call him Monsieur Double-Chin (said with a French accent, Doo-bla-shen). We also call him when he’s being particularly sensitive, Little Prince.

I still also often get this sense of his patience. It’s hard to explain. I can tell, sometimes, that he wants to fuss or cry, but that he is regulating himself somewhat. He’ll concentrate on me and tone it down and get through whatever it is (usually gas or a bm). It’s so neat to see a tiny human being just begin to learn these things.

I can also sense a growing trust. It happens in little bursts—moments where before I know he would have wailed he is now not wailing, perhaps because he feels more solid with us and with being in the world. All of this is incremental, and I get to see it all unfold.

Gotta run to a doctor’s appointment now. Birth story coming soon!

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6 Comments

  1. AndiePants

     /  January 5, 2015

    ugh. you write like this and it makes me feel achey and scared and excited to mother, all at once. thanks. <3

    Reply
  2. So happy to read that you are settling in! Are you getting any sleep!? It gets easier!

    Reply
  3. Jk

     /  January 5, 2015

    Wonderful to hear. I can’t wait for the birth story! And keep those photos coming too…I really live them/him. ;)

    Reply
  4. I’m always happy to hear from DE moms who say they don’t even think about it once their baby arrives. I keep wondering how I’m going to deal. I hope it’s like this!

    Reply
  5. Geeta

     /  January 7, 2015

    Can I ask what formula you are using?
    My son is 10 weeks and I am considering babies only formula

    Reply

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