Dear ST

Dear ST,

Saying goodbye to being pregnant with you fills me with nostalgia for the past months we’ve been one. I will miss hearing your heartbeat underneath my heartbeat, inside my body, galloping much faster than mine. Little heart. Little life. I have loved being your house, your mama. I have loved walking through the woods with you and telling you about the trees and the leaves. In the early, early days, when you were barely more than a speck, saying to you, “See? The world is beautiful. The plants and the little scurrying animals and the wind and the sun. I can’t wait to show all of this to you. Stay with me, little one.” I have loved swimming with you in the YMCA pool, and imagining us as whales, me your big mama whale, you my little baby whale, swimming close to my side. I have loved feeling you, loved it so much that tears spring to my eyes at the thought of not feeling your nudges, pokes, tumbles, kicks, tickles, and tingles inside me any longer—but knowing that soon I’ll be feeling your touch as you lie in my arms, and a whole new universe of love will open up.

You have been such a loving baby. I feel honored to have been the place where you went through such colossal changes, grew in so many different ways, and so fast! And through it all, you have communicated with me, just as you are tickling me right now as I type, letting me know that you are there and you are healthy. Thank you, my baby, from my heart. Thank you for being such a loving communicator with me all this time.

I think about the long, long nights we’ve spent together, me tossing and turning, blowing my nose, moaning, sighing, reading, stretching. Taking baths and showers at 2 a.m., eating bowls of cereal or apples and cheese at 3 a.m., reading and more reading at 4 a.m. The giant mound of pillows and blankets on the bed that your papa calls our “nest.” Nuzzling down into the nest with you. And even on our most sleepless night, grinning and telling you I love you when you give me nudges in the nest, as if you, too, are settling down and ready for a stretch of uninterrupted rest.

I think about being in yoga with you. How amazed I was when I first started feeling you inside me and what it was like to lay there in Shavasana, in deep relaxation, while you kicked and tumbled. It seemed like this had never happened before to anyone in the world. It was all I could do not to rouse the class from relaxation and tell them what was happening, My baby is boinging around like a yo-yo right now! Can you believe it?? I love him!

I think about those early ultrasounds at Dr. San Roman’s. The strange, shaky, animal noises I made, the intense fear and hope—and the release into joy when I saw your teeny-tiny flutter-heart. Oh my dear boy. My son. I don’t think I can ever clearly convey what that was like. The time in the RE’s parking lot when your papa and I ran like children in figure-eights, crying and laughing, moving from unbelieving to believing.

I remember the first time I allowed myself to look at baby clothes—the strangeness of standing in an aisle filled with all of those different stages of boyhood. And slowly, creakily, allowing myself to thaw…to thaw and imagine you inside those clothes.

I remember the first time your dad could feel you from the outside. The warmth of his hand on my belly. The prolonged “O” of surprise lingering on his lips, his eyes never leaving mine.

What it feels like to me, the fireworks and swoonings and unstoppable tears, when he speaks and you move. He speaks, and you move! I know you hear him. I know you know him. I know you feel his love. How he speaks to both of us in the dark living room, tea candles lit, relaxing music playing, his voice low and deep, guiding us through relaxation and mindful recognition of one another, gratitude for one another.

This was your papa’s toast to me during our baby celebration:

“I just want to tell you, babe, that I can’t wait to be parents with you.

You are going to be an amazing mother. Whenever you talk to our son inside your belly, your voice lights up the house. It makes me so happy to see you express all that love—and he’s not even born yet. I know it’s going to be a lot of hard work, but we’ve proven that we can get through anything together. We’re a good team. This is going to be a really fun adventure and I’m so excited for the three of us. I love you, my darling.  So… to our family.”

Our family—it’s going to be a good one, little buddy.

You can come to us now.

We’re going to the hospital tonight, and they are going to put some good medicine up inside the doorway to your house, and it will make the gold ring  melt like butter, making room for you to come out into the world and see us, where we can hold you, kiss you, squeeze you.

It’s going to be the three of us—you, me, and daddy. We’ll be a team, working all day tomorrow to make that golden-ring doorway melt and open, melt and open.

And your little house will squeeze you down and down and down and out. It won’t hurt you—it will just squeeze you down and out. There is nothing to be afraid of. Mama is going to make sure that everything is safe and right, and your papa will, too. You don’t have to worry about a thing. We will make all of the decisions and do everything just perfectly to make sure you come into the world with the least stress possible.

And when you come out, we will be right there. We will have our arms open for you. We will hold you immediately, softly, securely. You can lie on Mama’s chest for a long, long time, and drink good food, and sleep and sleep. And when you wake up, we will still be there, waiting and smiling.

We will always, for the rest of your life, be there.

We love you, ST! Let’s start this part of the adventure, little buddy. We can do it!

Love love love,

Your mama

Leave a comment


  1. Sunetra

     /  December 2, 2014

    Sending you love and blessings and good wishes for ST journey into this world. xoxoxo

  2. What a beautiful tribute to your baby. Can’t wait to meet him. Safe journey little one!

  3. I am a big blubbery mess right now. :’D <3

  4. This is so beautiful I’m choked up. Sending love and blessings for STs journey home to you. He’s incredibly lucky to be born into such incredible love!

  5. Katie

     /  December 2, 2014

    Combination of pregnancy hormones and my predisposition to crying in general, lots of tears over here. What wonderful parents you both will make. Wishes for a safe and happy delivery!

  6. I cannot believe this moment has arrived… I know that I am not in your shoes (obviously) but, through your blog, I have followed your blessed journey, crying tears of sorrow and tears of joy, for well over a year now… this moment… this long-awaited moment… there are not words to convey the elation I feel for you and DH… ST is coming home!!

  7. Ooh, how exciting, thinking about you lots! XOXO Can’t wait to “meet” him :)

  8. So beautiful. Sending love and safe tidings for the journey ahead!

  9. Beautiful.

  10. Gorgeous sentiment my lovely. I can’t wait for you to hold each other. BEST. FEELING. EVER. I’m still in awe as Mr Squish sleeps on my lap right now. So much laughter I never imagined I’d get to experience again. Enjoy sweetie, can’t wait to hear more. Go get him tiger xxx

  11. AndiePants

     /  December 2, 2014

    This is beautiful! God speed to you, your boo and little ST! May his entrance into the world this side of the womb be peaceful and gorgeous and perfect! You got this, mama!

  12. in tears! so beautiful!

  13. Beautiful!
    So exciting to meet your little guy soon. Enjoy every moment. I wish I had time to sort through those emotions of baby vacating the building (which are very strong after so much hardship to get to this point) but it was emergency C for me and I think I was in denial. Wishing you and your husband all the best – see you on the crazy flip side x

  14. What a beautiful letter…many good thoughts and hopes for the journey the three of you have ahead.

  15. So lovely! Good luck tomorrow.

  16. The day before Maddie was born I whispered to her to come out… That she was safe and loved and we were ready to meet her. There is nothing in the world like the bond between a mama and her unborn child, is there? Can’t wait to hear that your little guy is in your arms!

  17. Good luck! Can’t wait to read little ST birth story! And don’t forget to think about your cervix opening like a flower under the warm sun. ;)

  18. Can’t wait for the next update! This is beautiful!!

  19. Congratulations to all of you! Enjoy every minute. This too is fleeting. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  20. This filled my eyes with tears. I’m filled with so much joy for you both. Best of luck and wishing u and speedy and painless birth. Welcome little ST!

  21. Gorgeous, just gorgeous. I can’t wait for you to meet ST! What a beautiful letter to mark his coming arrival. Love the golden ring and the house analogy. God I love this post!

  22. JK

     /  December 4, 2014

    Hey mama…I am on pins and needles. Loved this post so much–and can’t wait for your next post! Love to you, DH and Baby ST! xoxo

  23. What a beautiful love letter. I hope STs journey to the outside is a calm and joyous one, and can’t wait to hear more. Congratulations, you’ve made it!

  24. Sarah

     /  December 5, 2014

    Yea!!!! Pure bliss. Wow, I am so thrilled for your little tribe right now. You have written some beautiful posts in the past, but this one tops them all.
    It is such a great feeling when our difficult journeys suddenly make sense… and lead us to our little soul mates. I am anxiously awaiting your announcement of sweet ST!

    Congrats Mama!

  25. Have been following your journey, anxiously awaiting a good update!


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  •© the unexpected trip,, 2012-2017.
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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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