Sobbing in frustration

One of those posts am writing with tears streaming. I don’t understand our “healthcare” in this country, nor why we have to fight so hard, nor why “care” seems to be the last thing our insurance companies are about.

My came on Friday. I could not be home, so I left a note for fedex to leave it inside the door, on the bottom step, out of the sun. It needs to be at room temperature, so this seemed, at the time, like a very good plan. The fedex guy did exactly what I asked, but unfortunately, I miscalculated, and when I got home, that step had full sun on it from the afternoon light streaming through the screen door. I just had no idea that would happen—I’d thought the bottom step was safe. I touched the box, and it was warm. The boxes inside the box were warm. And the individual packages holding the syringes were warm. This medication is supposed to be kept at room temperature. When I called the pharmacy, they said that yes, I should get it replaced.

“Without insurance, that would come to $846,” she said.

This all happened late afternoon, Friday.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but GHI told me to have my dr call in a script on Monday (today), the pharmacy would get the rejection from GHI (because I already have the meds), and then I would call GHI to get an override on that rejection due to the situation. I was nervous, but hopeful.

I followed their instructions to a tee. I pushed all parties involved through each step. When it came time for me to call GHI this morning, I got, of course, the snippiest bitch on the planet, who told me that GHI does not replace damaged medications, and she wanted the name of the GHI person who gave me these instructions. I told her that I didn’t have it. (Note to self: always take down names.)

She said that the only way would be for my dr to call the specialty division to get a replacement—but she did not sound optimistic, as replacing damaged meds is not GHI’s “policy.”

I told her that this is high-risk pregnancy. That I actually do not have $846 at the moment and cannot pay for this out-of-pocket. That I did not believe GHI would want to be responsible for my baby dying because they would not authorize a replacement. To which she coldly restated the number of the “specialty division.”

And I got off the phone and immediately began sobbing. I called my clinic. For ONCE they let me speak to an actual human being, rather than routing me to their GODDAMNED NURSE VOICEMAIL. Which I hate. In case that weren’t clear. So I spoke with a woman who was understanding of my uncontrollable sobs, and understanding of my frustration with GHI.

And understanding of my anxiety, as I am out of after tomorrow. Tomorrow. Getting the meds by Friday had seemed like plenty of time. Now I am down to the wire. I have one more syringe for tomorrow morning. Have two syringes from way, way back when I was prepping for CCRM, but that don’t expire until August (I’m just a little worried about all of the temp fluctuations those two syringes must have experienced over the months and months).

I know that $846 doesn’t seem like a lot compared with everything we’ve forked out, but we’ve just spent a gob of money on plane tickets and other things and our rent check has not yet been cashed by our landlord. We are still paying off our credit cards. I feel like we simply canNOT get ahead, financially, ever. Of course, if it comes down to it, I’ll put the medication on our credit card. Of course. But doing so would be all kinds of awful right now, and would change quite a few plans for us.

Just got a call from my nurse at my OB clinic. She said that she talked to 12 people at GHI before she talked to someone who had a clue, and that woman said that the pharmacy was filing a complaint with fedex to get a reimbursement for the medication—the results of which could take weeks! This was a new development, and one I did not ask for. The fedex guy did exactly what I asked, after all, and if he gets in trouble for this in any way…!!! My nurse explained that the patient could not wait for weeks for this reimbursement to go through or not (DUH) and so the person she spoke with at GHI specialty division put in a request for a rush on it—rush meaning tomorrow.

“If this doesn’t happen by the end of the day,” she said, “we’ll find some heparin for you at a specialty pharmacy out there somewhere and put you on it in the meantime, because it is much, much cheaper. It’s just that you have to do multiple injections a day, and it’s much harder to find.”


That’s all. A venting post to get me to stop sobbing. I am no longer sobbing and am just feeling bleak. The whole thing triggers my “I have done something wrong and it might kill my baby” automatic messaging system inside my PTSD-damaged brain.

I hate this shit.

But I love my baby.

And I’ve gotta go get calm somewhere. Thanks for listening (if you made it through!).



Leave a comment


  1. Danielle

     /  June 9, 2014

    I have two boxes of Lovenox that have been kept at room temp. I could send them to you at no cost, as I never needed to go on them for this cycle. I just need to check expiration date. Let me know.

  2. Geeta

     /  June 9, 2014

    I am so sorry for u I can hug u now. I know ur pain. I had a similar experience with gonal f my vial came in with no powder . Long story short it will take a while but u will get ur money back. Check with speciality pharmacy and get ur refill ASAP . First things first. U can alway get ur money back later.

  3. Absolute UGH! My heart goes out to you. May it all get resolved, or may they find heparin. i took that after 35 weeks with my pregnancy and although you have to do twice daily injections, it was fine. thinking of you!

  4. So frustrating. I’ve been in tears after talking to my insurance company too. It’s tragic that healthcare in this country is such a mess. I’m glad the nurse is understanding and is committed to making this work for you!

  5. Oh no! I am so sorry. That is beyond frustrating. I can’t believe that there wasn’t an ounce of compassion–to send some now and figure out the details now would kill someone?
    I also have some lovenox if you need it, I am having a conversation tomorrow about my protocol as I think they don’t think the benefits outweigh the risk in my particular case. I’ll email you. Impossible not to worry, but hopefully all will work out just fine. That’s always the hope…

  6. I’ve had a lot of medication aggravation myself lately. Worrying about my meds arriving from Czech Republic, trying to line up local substitutes with my RE (who is NOT helping) and my GP (who saved the day), on top of everything else…I can’t imagine if I had a baby in there whose life potentially depended on it. So sorry this is happening, but your clinic seems to be on the ball!

  7. kay

     /  June 9, 2014

    if worse comes to worse, get your ob to call in the lovenox to the local ER- go to the ER- its an ER visit but they can do it.

  8. What a crock of shit :/ I do not understand the healthcare and the exorbitant price of medication. I am sorry.

  9. Julia

     /  June 10, 2014

    Sorry you are going through all of this frustration. :( sounds super annoying

  10. Clare

     /  June 10, 2014

    Damn that sucks that you have to deal with that, but sounds like things will work out and baby will be just fine. Can’t imagine what kind of person you’d have to be to work for an insurance company shutting down people’s health care claims. :-/
    Anyway… Just wanted to send you big big hugs.

  11. I really hope Danielle can help you or the pharmacy or nurses or someone. Someone has got to solve this. Here from LFCA – we have two donor egg babies so I am always interested in other who have gone this route. Fingers crossed!

  12. Hey, I totally understand your frustration–you’ve read my rants against my insurance and pharmaceutical companies–save for the fact that you have the added desperation of trying to fend for your child. These people suck. But I do believe that you get what you need. XOXO

  13. Love you guys. Thank you for your support!! I am happy to announce that at the last possible second yesterday, after eight million conference calls between multiple parties (unbelievable), we got the override. I am picking up a month’s supply today at a local pharmacy, for $10. Woo hoo!

    I collapsed in exhaustion and sobs in the kitchen last night, truly at the end of my rope, back screaming with pain—what a fucked up day! Then proceeded to watch escapist Hollywood movies while eating pizza and cookies. Then DH gave me a back massage that was legendary status. Thank God for him.



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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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