What’s going on

Ah! Well. Where to begin?

The pattern of my days

I wake up, I feel good. I feel like my brain is thawing. I have a million ideas—for short stories, for blog posts, for finally beginning my pregnancy journal, for pregnancy-related art. I’m nice and hungry! I eat. Usually cereal or oatmeal with fruit. I think: This is it, today is the day when I will accomplish ALL the things! I’m pumped. I take a shower, and…

After the shower, I feel like I’ve had a workout. All of that movement! Before I can do anything else, I’d best take a little rest. So I sit down and check in on all of the blogs I follow. And then I either a) Fall into a mouth-open, dead-to-the-world sleep until noon, or b) I force myself to do some light housework and carry on with my day, and every time I glimpse myself in the mirror, I look like I’m trying to solve a frustrating math problem.

This isn’t every morning. Some mornings I remain springy for quite a while. In any case, the next thing that happens is usually this:

I get hungry for lunch, but my hunger has that certain…edge to it. Like I know I should eat, but what oh what lies on the other side of eating? Nauseau, you say? Uncomfortable bloating and back pain? Headaches designed by demons?

Yesterday, I crazily packed an entire cardboard box with things I wanted to accomplish at the coffee shop. These things have been accumulating now for weeks, and mostly consist of things I want to learn, organize, and document re: pregnancy.

I jumped in the car, pumped! But during the drive to my lunch-spot, I started to feel funky. By the time I reached the parking lot, I was utterly exhausted.

This has now happened at least five times. I drive somewhere, but when I get to the parking lot, I fall into a slack-jawed sleep for 30 to 45 minutes in the parking lot. It’s actually kind of hilarious.

Sometimes, I just can’t get up. I lay in my the driver’s seat in the fetal position, perfectly content.

After lunch, I went and bought some more maternity clothes, and I noticed that, in spite of how much time I’d spent on myself that morning, I looked exhausted and sick. Which I was. I couldn’t handle going to the coffee shop with the cardboard box and doing all the things. I drove home, and during the drive, the demon headache began.

For all my good intentions, I ended up sucking a popsicle on the couch while watching a mediocre early 90s movie in the middle of the afternoon. I am so not an afternoon TV watcher. I actually usually even hate to overhear television noise during the day–especially during a gorgeous spring day such as yesterday. My brother, growing up, was addicted to video games and screens and nachos and Pepsi, and I would flee to the forest like a wood sprite and play in nature all day long to get away from him, to be something that was anything other than him.

I am also not a napper. I’ve never been able to nap—mostly because waking up from naps when the sun is shining makes me depressed. For this reason I can never go to matinees, either.

In other words, this trimester is forcing me to be all of these things that go against my do-all-the-things nature. But instead of fighting it and bemoaning it, I’m just rolling with it as much as I can, and laughing at myself as much as I can.

Morning sickness?

So it’s not the mornings that get me. It’s the afternoons. And sometimes, in the evenings, I feel like all of the food I ate that day is just sort of hanging around.

Last night at around ten, I vomited! This was my first actual vomiting experience. (My initial vomiting after transfer was from some sort of bug.) Wow! I know this sounds weird, but I was kind of into it. Like it was a rite of passage. Actual vomit. In the sink, while brushing my teeth. Three mini-episodes. I’ve gagged and dry-heaved plenty, but now I’ve joined the big leagues. That said, I would like to now quietly exit, thank you.

I went to regular yoga / Comparing “then” and “now”

Because I knew my favorite teacher would be leading the class, I went to a non-prenatal yoga class Thursday. It was a wonderful experience, because the last time I saw her, I sobbed in her arms after class—big, earth-quakey sobs, after the loss of little star. She was so helpful, and she told me about one of her best friends who had had multiple losses, too, and many failed IVFs. We cried together. And then I disappeared for months.

When I walked in, I just pointed to my belly and grinned. Her expression! She hugged me. “This is so weird,” she said. “I have been thinking about you so much recently that I thought I should email you.” When I told her I was only 9 weeks, her eyebrows shot up, because I look so big.

“I went on this journey,” I said. “I quit my job, changed my diet, did energy healing, spiritual work…”

“You’re glowing. You’re bursting.” And I remember the last time I saw her, she told me she could see the intensity of my pain throughout class.

And wouldn’t you know it? Her friend of the many losses and failures? Due in July.

She helped me modify all the poses for pregnancy, this time, and at the end of class, I hugged her and blew her kisses as I walked out the door.

Email correspondence / My love for my ex-husband and sisterfriend R / Reblog about ending fertility treatments

Because of my new energy-level, my email correspondence is piling up! The one that I desperately want to take the time to answer properly—and without headaches and fatigue—is from my ex-husband. He and I recently had an incredible email exchange that was so healing, and I want to tell him how I feel about what he’s said to me, and I want to write about it here. Very important. Will do soon. Feeling so much love for that guy.

And dear R, if you are reading this (one of the few people from my “real life” who read this blog), I’m writing back to your thoughtful letter this weekend! R sent me a blog post that knocked me down, one that one of her own dear friends sent to her. She said that the woman featured, who gave up fertility treatments, expresses things that really resonate with her and explain how she she feels right now, as someone who has stopped fertility treatments.

You’ve got to read this:

http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2014/04/motherhood-mondays-what-if-you-cant.html.

I admire and love R very much. I know that I often think of myself as having healed myself before getting pregnant—and I do still feel that way. But I know that healing yourself after giving up fertility treatments altogether, and quite possibly giving up the dream of motherhood, is an entirely different, and much more difficult, journey. R is doing it. She’s hitting the yoga mat every day, she’s socializing, she’s feeling joy for others’ pregnancies, she’s loving her little nephew and niece. Her strength and perseverance, her love of life, and the people in her life, and her utterly unassailable respect for herself, makes me feel pretty damn lucky to have her as a sisterfriend.

All righty, I’m off to (perhaps?) start my day!

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12 Comments

  1. I follow Mara’s blog too. I look to her and wonder if the path she has chosen (childfree) will be the one I will have to choose one day too. It is so powerful to take back control of your life. I hope if I get there one day I can dig deep and find that strength in myself.

    Ps) i sooo get the tiredness you are talking about. With my last pregnancy, just getting dressed for the day made me want to take a 3 hour nap. Then making lunch would be a reason for another huge nap. By the time bedtime rolled around, I couldn’t wait to get my jammies back on and sleep like a rock for a solid 9 hours. The next day would be more of the same.

    I’m hoping for some relief from this for you soon. And it that doesn’t come that you find acceptance (it sounds like you may have already found this).

    Reply
    • It was something I thought about this past loss, too. I knew that even if we pursued adoption, there were no guarantees, and I could have to make peace with childfree life. I of course hope you don’t have to go there! I’ve read and heard so many stories (including my own, of course!), at this point, of women losing their first DE pregnancy and going on to have success, so I have a lot of hope for you.

      Reply
  2. Oh hun, great post. The fatigue still hasn’t left me I’m afraid. I could sleep 20 hours a day. I wish I could! And the vomming? Always when I brushing my teeth! These symptoms are a great sign, I’m so excited for you!! xx

    Reply
    • Aw, thanks, they are a great sign, aren’t they? I mean, every day, I am so aware of the little baby’s presence, it feels like we are developing a real relationship, one in which I must figure out what baby will allow me to eat and what sort of exercise he or she will allow—I say, Hey, honey, whatever you say, you are doing the very hard work of turning into a homunculus!

      Reply
  3. Showers were so tiring when I was pregnant! Was it the heat? The movements? The standing? Thank god it was winter because I did not shower everyday!

    Reply
    • Yeah, like this morning, I was all zippy, but then showered and…crashed on couch for two hours. Wow! Powerful little baby growing in there. Nice to know it was tiring for you, too. (:

      Reply
  4. I love the need you have to sleep always! And the nausea is great too, but I am hoping it passes from you quickly too! I am so stoked for you, I love the symptoms, I love the changes and glowing you are experiencing, Mama. Get extra sleeps this weekend, honey!

    Reply
  5. Clare

     /  May 5, 2014

    I follow that blog too! I love what they’re doing – totally uprooting and moving to Equador from NYC… Living off the rental income from their apartment in NY. Very inspiring.
    Also, you sound exactly like I was in pregnancy – totally exhausted 24/7. Like there are maybe 3 hours in the day where I might have accomplished something, the rest is all about sleeeeep. I don’t know how people could do jobs like being nurses or teachers while being pregnant.

    Reply
    • I don’t know how, either—it makes me feel very spoiled!! How are you doing lady??

      Reply
      • Clare

         /  May 5, 2014

        Oh my… Well it’s been interesting times. Had my babes 3 weeks ago after my water broke at 34 weeks. One girl is home with us after a bit of NICU time and the other is still in the children’s hospital. She had to have surgery the day after birth. She’s doing ok now, but it’s been pretty scary. There has been lots of tears and worry, but a lot of joy too.

        Reply
        • That sounds very scary! I can’t imagine! Please keep me posted on baby 2 in the hospital. I’m glad the other girl is already home with you.

          Reply

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