Is it possible to die of happiness?!!

8 weeksOh, friends, look at my baby, just look at it, I can’t believe my eyes! I feel like my heart is exploding! This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me! I will never, ever, EVER take this moment, this happiness, for granted. Overflowing with gratitude and love! Loving my DH something fierce. And sweet little baby, loving you with the widest, most open heart imaginable. Thank you for being with me! We are stunned again…

I know that I was feeling confident, but yesterday and this morning were a bit weird—I really did not feel nauseous at all and my breasts seemed much less sensitive. Then when I woke up this morning, my breasts were definitely smaller. I know that this happens, it’s totally normal, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was not quite right. The nervousness launched into high-gear by the time we got to the clinic, and before the ultrasound tech came in, DH and I held hands, bowed our heads, and were silent. He was very nervous, too. I was having a conversation with the God in me (this is how I think of it, the God in me, the God in you, in everything). I was not begging. The voice said: “Can you feel me with you?” And I inwardly said: “Yes,” and felt calmer. I inwardly said: “I give it all up to you. I let go of control.” And I really did feel calmer and calmer…

Until the ultrasound tech came in. She was so sweet to me, and we were blabbing about coloring Easter eggs, but inside, I was shaking. In went the wand, and two seconds later, I saw the most beautiful thing on planet earth: My baby! Bigger! So big! Filling up the gestational sac! Shaped like a cashew! Ah!

“Baby and a heart beat,” the tech said, smiling. “Looking great, hon, just perfect.”

I started to make the strangest sound. I had no control over it! It was this kind of prolonged, high-pitched, shaky cry. I don’t know what I was saying, but I was absolutely sobbing. I heard the tech give the measurements—they were perfect. I was saying, “Thank you, thank you!” and I honestly couldn’t stop making that high-pitched shaky sob-sound. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. I felt transported, transformed. My words are not adequately describing it. And then she measured the heartbeat. Cu-chuh, cu-chuh, cu-chuh. Louder than last week, and faster! The tech cried out the number, like a coach crying out a sprinter’s time as they cross the finish line. I high-fived her. I pulled DH to my chest (careful not to hurt him this time) and I said: “I love you SO MUCH!”

He was crying. He was beside himself. My sweet, sweet partner for life. How did I find you. How. It hurts my heart, how much I love him. I want to hold him right now. He’s at work, I’ll have to wait, but tonight, I will hold him for hours.

The ultrasound tech, the tough cookie I made cry last week—well, she was crying again. “I can’t believe this,” she whispered, dabbing at her eyes.

“I love that baby so much already,” I cried.

“Of course you do, hon,” she said. I wanted to hug her too. I wanted to hug the entire world.

After she left, DH and I just stared at each other in disbelief. Tears were on his face. “It’s going to be okay, now,” I said to him. “It’s okay. We’re going to have a little baby!” He grabbed me and squeezed me.

Outside, my favorite nurse was waiting with a surprised look on her face. “Okay,” she said. “I just have to tell you that from out here? That sounded a little scary.”

I laughed and laughed. “Sorry,” I said. “It’s just so amazing.”

“Isn’t it?” she said, handing me another ultrasound photo.

“Life,” I said, tracing the baby with my fingertip. The nurse, too, was shaking her head, smiling. “Yep,” she said.

Dr. San Roman was grinning at me when I came into his office. “You are funny,” he said.

“I am losing my mind,” I said.

He said everything, absolutely everything, looks perfect. The baby, the sac, the heartbeat, the everything. I told him about how I’d gotten nervous about my nausea abating this week, and he said that that is the most common phone call they receive–worried calls about nausea and other pregnancy symptoms abating. He and the nurses assured me that it is just my body getting used to the hormones, the changes. He said he was going to call my OB—whom he is friends with, and whom he hung out with last night!—to be sure I get fast-tracked in to see him in a couple of weeks. He really takes care of me, that guy. He hugged me, and I said, “You are so sweet,” and then he hugged DH, too. DH was still teary-eyed and of few words.

When we left the office, just outside the door, I ran in a circle in the lobby. “You’re just like that puppy we saw last week!” DH said.

When we left the clinic, he looked at me, sighed the hugest sigh of relief you’ve ever heard, and started running through the parking lot, going: “Wooooo!” I ran with him. I cried: “Woooo!’ We were like children. We ran in figure 8s. We were laughing and crying. The sun was shining. The air smelled of spring. He kept hugging me, kissing me.

He told me, as I drove him to work, how moved he is. How relieved. There just aren’t any signs of anything going wrong.

It is so reassuring to know that the egg involved is 22 years old. I am thankful for that right now. I am also thankful that it isn’t twins, right now, because I think that would cause me extra worries. The smoothness with which things are progressing was exactly what I’d asked for. I know we’ve got a ways to go, but this is such a fantastic start, and I am in love with life right now.

 

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23 Comments

  1. Violet

     /  April 24, 2014

    Omigoodness!!! Isn’t this the most incredible news.
    Loved your figure 8s!
    Thank you for sharing this positively beautiful news. You are an inspiration.

    Reply
  2. I am so fantastically happy for you and DH and for your little Cashew, who will be so blessed to have parents that could not possibly be more in love (with each other and with Cashew). Congratulations. You are all over this!

    Reply
  3. that is a beautiful sight, grow baby, grow!

    Reply
  4. Congratulations, mama! ❤️

    Reply
  5. Love it! Totaly have to frame it. Best picture ever. I have one on my mantel too!

    Reply
  6. I love this post so much. So happy for you!

    Reply
  7. Breathing a huge sigh of relief with you and hubby. This is really it!

    Reply
  8. AndiePants

     /  April 24, 2014

    JOY!

    Reply
  9. JB

     /  April 24, 2014

    Happiness!!! Congratulations!!!

    Reply
  10. Such a beautiful post! Your happiness radiates through your words! Truly happy for you and your husband. Big hugs!!

    Reply
  11. So unbelievable excellent!!! XOXO

    Reply
  12. So so happy for you!!

    Reply
  13. Yay for you! Love it all!

    Reply
  14. So happy for you!!

    Reply
  15. Such a beautiful vision of you wild with glee in the parking lot :)

    Reply
  16. This post made me cry. In a good way. And then hope for the same for so many of us (myself included). What a beautiful moment.

    Reply
  17. Congratulations and very happy for you!

    Reply
  18. Tess

     /  April 25, 2014

    This is wonderful news!!! xo

    Reply
  19. Amazing! So amazing! I am all misty-eyed over here for you…such fabulous news!

    Reply
  20. i cried for you the whole time I read this…happy tears of course! So excited for you!! xoxo!!

    Reply
  21. Yeehaw!!! Grow beautiful cashew embie grow!!! Reading this gave me chills as it reminds me so much of the sheer joy we both felt each time we saw Nacho. Utter disbelief and sheer joy. Keep it coming. Tears streaming down my face, I love news like this xx

    Reply
  22. I just reread all of your comments for the bazillionth time. Makes me smile every time. Love you.

    Reply

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