Is it possible to die of happiness?!!

8 weeksOh, friends, look at my baby, just look at it, I can’t believe my eyes! I feel like my heart is exploding! This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me! I will never, ever, EVER take this moment, this happiness, for granted. Overflowing with gratitude and love! Loving my DH something fierce. And sweet little baby, loving you with the widest, most open heart imaginable. Thank you for being with me! We are stunned again…

I know that I was feeling confident, but yesterday and this morning were a bit weird—I really did not feel nauseous at all and my breasts seemed much less sensitive. Then when I woke up this morning, my breasts were definitely smaller. I know that this happens, it’s totally normal, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was not quite right. The nervousness launched into high-gear by the time we got to the clinic, and before the ultrasound tech came in, DH and I held hands, bowed our heads, and were silent. He was very nervous, too. I was having a conversation with the God in me (this is how I think of it, the God in me, the God in you, in everything). I was not begging. The voice said: “Can you feel me with you?” And I inwardly said: “Yes,” and felt calmer. I inwardly said: “I give it all up to you. I let go of control.” And I really did feel calmer and calmer…

Until the ultrasound tech came in. She was so sweet to me, and we were blabbing about coloring Easter eggs, but inside, I was shaking. In went the wand, and two seconds later, I saw the most beautiful thing on planet earth: My baby! Bigger! So big! Filling up the gestational sac! Shaped like a cashew! Ah!

“Baby and a heart beat,” the tech said, smiling. “Looking great, hon, just perfect.”

I started to make the strangest sound. I had no control over it! It was this kind of prolonged, high-pitched, shaky cry. I don’t know what I was saying, but I was absolutely sobbing. I heard the tech give the measurements—they were perfect. I was saying, “Thank you, thank you!” and I honestly couldn’t stop making that high-pitched shaky sob-sound. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. I felt transported, transformed. My words are not adequately describing it. And then she measured the heartbeat. Cu-chuh, cu-chuh, cu-chuh. Louder than last week, and faster! The tech cried out the number, like a coach crying out a sprinter’s time as they cross the finish line. I high-fived her. I pulled DH to my chest (careful not to hurt him this time) and I said: “I love you SO MUCH!”

He was crying. He was beside himself. My sweet, sweet partner for life. How did I find you. How. It hurts my heart, how much I love him. I want to hold him right now. He’s at work, I’ll have to wait, but tonight, I will hold him for hours.

The ultrasound tech, the tough cookie I made cry last week—well, she was crying again. “I can’t believe this,” she whispered, dabbing at her eyes.

“I love that baby so much already,” I cried.

“Of course you do, hon,” she said. I wanted to hug her too. I wanted to hug the entire world.

After she left, DH and I just stared at each other in disbelief. Tears were on his face. “It’s going to be okay, now,” I said to him. “It’s okay. We’re going to have a little baby!” He grabbed me and squeezed me.

Outside, my favorite nurse was waiting with a surprised look on her face. “Okay,” she said. “I just have to tell you that from out here? That sounded a little scary.”

I laughed and laughed. “Sorry,” I said. “It’s just so amazing.”

“Isn’t it?” she said, handing me another ultrasound photo.

“Life,” I said, tracing the baby with my fingertip. The nurse, too, was shaking her head, smiling. “Yep,” she said.

Dr. San Roman was grinning at me when I came into his office. “You are funny,” he said.

“I am losing my mind,” I said.

He said everything, absolutely everything, looks perfect. The baby, the sac, the heartbeat, the everything. I told him about how I’d gotten nervous about my nausea abating this week, and he said that that is the most common phone call they receive–worried calls about nausea and other pregnancy symptoms abating. He and the nurses assured me that it is just my body getting used to the hormones, the changes. He said he was going to call my OB—whom he is friends with, and whom he hung out with last night!—to be sure I get fast-tracked in to see him in a couple of weeks. He really takes care of me, that guy. He hugged me, and I said, “You are so sweet,” and then he hugged DH, too. DH was still teary-eyed and of few words.

When we left the office, just outside the door, I ran in a circle in the lobby. “You’re just like that puppy we saw last week!” DH said.

When we left the clinic, he looked at me, sighed the hugest sigh of relief you’ve ever heard, and started running through the parking lot, going: “Wooooo!” I ran with him. I cried: “Woooo!’ We were like children. We ran in figure 8s. We were laughing and crying. The sun was shining. The air smelled of spring. He kept hugging me, kissing me.

He told me, as I drove him to work, how moved he is. How relieved. There just aren’t any signs of anything going wrong.

It is so reassuring to know that the egg involved is 22 years old. I am thankful for that right now. I am also thankful that it isn’t twins, right now, because I think that would cause me extra worries. The smoothness with which things are progressing was exactly what I’d asked for. I know we’ve got a ways to go, but this is such a fantastic start, and I am in love with life right now.


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  1. Violet

     /  April 24, 2014

    Omigoodness!!! Isn’t this the most incredible news.
    Loved your figure 8s!
    Thank you for sharing this positively beautiful news. You are an inspiration.

  2. I am so fantastically happy for you and DH and for your little Cashew, who will be so blessed to have parents that could not possibly be more in love (with each other and with Cashew). Congratulations. You are all over this!

  3. that is a beautiful sight, grow baby, grow!

  4. Congratulations, mama! ❤️

  5. Love it! Totaly have to frame it. Best picture ever. I have one on my mantel too!

  6. I love this post so much. So happy for you!

  7. Breathing a huge sigh of relief with you and hubby. This is really it!

  8. AndiePants

     /  April 24, 2014


  9. JB

     /  April 24, 2014

    Happiness!!! Congratulations!!!

  10. Such a beautiful post! Your happiness radiates through your words! Truly happy for you and your husband. Big hugs!!

  11. So unbelievable excellent!!! XOXO

  12. So so happy for you!!

  13. Yay for you! Love it all!

  14. So happy for you!!

  15. Such a beautiful vision of you wild with glee in the parking lot :)

  16. This post made me cry. In a good way. And then hope for the same for so many of us (myself included). What a beautiful moment.

  17. Congratulations and very happy for you!

  18. Tess

     /  April 25, 2014

    This is wonderful news!!! xo

  19. Amazing! So amazing! I am all misty-eyed over here for you…such fabulous news!

  20. i cried for you the whole time I read this…happy tears of course! So excited for you!! xoxo!!

  21. Yeehaw!!! Grow beautiful cashew embie grow!!! Reading this gave me chills as it reminds me so much of the sheer joy we both felt each time we saw Nacho. Utter disbelief and sheer joy. Keep it coming. Tears streaming down my face, I love news like this xx

  22. I just reread all of your comments for the bazillionth time. Makes me smile every time. Love you.


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  •© the unexpected trip,, 2012-2017.
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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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