Maternity clothes

This is insane. I woke up today and I had this hard, round mound that was decidedly much bigger than it was yesterday, and I looked undeniably, unhide-ably pregnant. I’m only 8 weeks 2 days! I’ve since looked up posts and photos online and see that other ladies have indeed been as protruding as I am at this point, so I don’t need to worry that something abnormal is going on. What a crazy thing! It can’t be all bloat or water retention, there is simply no way that is the case. I know baby is only 1/2 inch long, about the size of kidney bean, but my uterus, so I’ve read, has grown from the size of an avocado seed to the size of a grapefruit. Maybe my womb is a an extra-large grapefruit. Also, I am 5 feet 2 inches tall. And my previous six pregnancies have stretched things out a bit, created body memory.

Maybe some of this will go down with the decrease in hormone supplementation, but I can’t imagine it going down enough to return me to non-popped. In any case, without planning to, I stopped by Tar.get today and bought maternity clothes! I couldn’t handle the way even the top band of my stretchy stretch pants was cutting into me. Buying the clothes was quite an experience…

First of all, because I hadn’t planned on being out in public, other than to go to the gym, I was not wearing makeup and my hair was a mess. My hair was stuffed up in a lopsided ponytail that I’d slept on, and had not bothered to readjust before I left the house. My nausea abated yesterday, and today it came back a little bit, but my fatigue was intense. I couldn’t be bothered with hygiene—the important thing was to get out of the house before I crashed into a second nap.

Because I am not coloring my hair this trimester, I also have quite a bit of wiry gray showing. Gray hair, and I look pregnant. A combination I found a little disturbing, honestly, when I happened to pass by  a full-length mirror at the store! Note to self: research henna.

I went straight to the maternity section, and I really did feel fraudulent at first. Because a) I am only 8 weeks 2 days, and b) I have RPL, and c) I am 40. These factors snuck up on me and told me it was too soon to be buying maternity clothes and maybe I should leave. I had this irrational concern that the nearby saleswoman was going to ask me how far along I am. I would tell her 12 weeks, I decided.

And then I laughed at myself.

I had, I realized, every right to be there. My clothes were uncomfortable, and baby needs circulation! If I had never lost a pregnancy, I would not have been feeling fraudulent. I reminded myself that this time is different, and I enjoyed myself.

The first dress I tried on was a long, form-fitting dress, patterned with navy-blue and white horizontal stripes. My mouth unhinged as I gazed at myself in the mirror. I looked very pregnant. It was so strange to see myself like that. After a prolonged moment of astonishment, I clapped my hands and smiled. “Hi, baby!” I said to the striped swell in the mirror.

The other items also showed the swell, and I relaxed, got into it, posing in front of the mirror. Everything felt so comfortable, it was a relief just to slip things on.

I walked out with $130 worth of practical merchandise, feeling happy.

I don’t know what the deal is, but I’m not feeling anxious. Where did my anxiety go? It’s just that I feel so pregnant and already in synch with baby. This past week, I would wake up in the middle of the night with pretty intense pressure on my bladder, and I just knew that things were growing and expanding quickly. I had a few stupid dreams about starting my period, but even those didn’t shake me. I just want to be present with what is actually happening—not what could happen. Is it possible that I’ve tapped out my worry reserves? Is there only so much worry a person can expend? Or am I simply getting better at this? Or does some part of me know—really know, in a women’s wisdom sort of way—that this is my long-awaited take-home baby? Whatever the case, I like it.

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  1. AndiePants

     /  April 22, 2014

    I’m so glad you mentioned gray hair + pregnancy. My mom went gray in her early thirties, so I knew I probably would too. I am bound and determined not to have the growing out stripe she had, so I have been undertaking a growing out the gray while its still just patches for the last few months. I figure by the time I am (please God!) pregnant and showing, it will be awfully gray. I kind of wonder what my reception will be in general . . .so thanks for helping with my thought experiment! And HOORAY! for getting clothes that fit you and you love! <3

    • Well, I can tell from your picture that you have an extremely youthful-looking face, so I bet the hair will just look pretty! I think my reaction to my gray today had to do a lot with the fact that I also looked a complete mess and had not even put moisturizer on my pale face—I looked kinda crazy. (:

  2. wtfovaries

     /  April 22, 2014

    So exciting!!! Such a great moment!!! Enjoy dressing your bump!

    Any specific reason for foregoing the hair color? Like did the doctor suggest it? I only ask because I am hopelessly addicted to my stylist. Like every 4 weeks addicted.

    • Well, I’ve heard two things: 1) It is perfectly fine to color your hair throughout your pregnancy; and 2) It is best not to color your hair during your first trimester. I’m just taking every precaution. I really don’t know if it is a risk or not. Ask your OB what she or he thinks and go with that!

  3. I am crazy stoked for you and these maternity clothes! I bet the bump is adorable =) Yay!!!!

  4. I love this post! I’m so happy for you!

  5. This post made me laugh.

    About the hair – my doc AND my Ob said it was safe during first tri and during my one successful pregnancy I didn’t colour at all in the first and had my hair done with semi-permanent by my stylist the rest of the pregnancy. I would do the same now if I ever am lucky enough to carry another pregnancy through… Henna is horrible. My suggestion: Don’t do it!! Unless you have naturally coarse hair it can turn your hair pretty nasty in texture and it is a disaster when you try to have it coloured later with something other than henna. I speak from experience! ;-P

    Second, your uterus might have tipped forward already. This happens to me early due to RPL and one 37 week pregnancy (and mine is retroverted usually so the flip forward makes an obvious difference in appearance!). Even if getting off the hormones helps, by the time you’re off them you’d likely be in this situation anyway so I’m with the others – yay for your shopping adventures looking like a crazy pregnant lady today!

    • Well maybe I’ll get rid of these headbands and go get me some color soon! I could at least go semi-permanent. For now, I am wrapping my head in headbands that cover all signs of gray. Yes, I do wonder if the uterus has tipped forward! I also (TMI) am having a bit of trouble with bowel movements (oh, fun fun) and wonder if part of it is my stopped up intestitnes (gross). I told DH the other day when stroking the swell that I was probably stroking my intestines, and he looked at me like, Please don’t ever say that again.

  6. Aww loved this visual of you maternity shopping. It makes it all seem so real eh?

  7. I am so happy the worry is gone :-) and congratulations on maternity shopping!

  8. I totally wish you had posted pics of the new wardrobe!! So excited for you!! I can’t wait to go out and buy some maternity clothes :) hugs!!

  9. This is so exciting and wonderful and brilliant. I’m so pleased you’re enjoying it xx

  10. Bump already? Nice! Such a cool little right of passage to go shopping :)

  11. Isn’t it so wonderful to be able to find such enjoyment in the little things. Each of these little experiences all add up to something amazing!

    PS Don’t sweat the age and preg thing….those grays are a right of passage! You have earned them. Hahaha!

    • Ohhhh you have no idea how I’ve earned and earned and earned them (: I should be pure white by now, I tell you. No: I should just be bald.

  12. You are getting better at it :). And I have that navy/white striped dress from Target! It’s sooo comfy. I also recommend leggings/tunics as a very comfy outfit. The maternity tunics will start out on the long side, but by your 3rd tri they will be more like shirts, so you’ll still be wearing them.

    • You do??? That’s hilarious. I have got to find myself some leggings! Yesterday I wore some regular leggings and thought I would die of discomfort from the elastic band. Hmm, maybe I’ll go shopping today…

  13. Geeta

     /  April 23, 2014

    First of all congrats on coming this far. I have been thru several unsuccessful pregnancies too and I know how u feel. I am now 12 weeks. A little further along than you.
    Just a few weeks ago I just bought two size up pants. I want to take it one day at a time. Too nervous to plan ahead. Haven’t told friends and family yet

    • Ah, that’s awesome that you went two sizes up. I hear you about taking it slow. Sometimes I get a little worried that I’m ‘chompin at the bit’ as my Ma-Maw used to say. Twelve weeks is amazing! It so very unlikely that anything will go wrong at this point, you know. Congrats darlin.

  14. Show off that bump of yours! I am so excited for you. Keep the positive attitude; I think the lack of anxiety is a good sign!

    • Definitely a good sign! Every time I get a touch of worry now (9 weeks) I just can’t even hold onto it, because I feel such calm and peace. Nervousness ramps up as the ultrasound approaches, but it’s all manageable.

  15. Kali

     /  April 24, 2014

    I was definitely showing between 7 and 9 weeks. Everyday finding something to wear was difficult. My boss figured it out pretty early.


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
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    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
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    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
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    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
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    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

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    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
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    Beta #2: 706
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    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
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    March 24, 2014:

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    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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