Joy!!!

Ecstatic, grateful, tender-hearted, relieved, happy, at peace, peace, peace. Seven pregnancies in three years, and this, my seventh, is becoming my wonder-baby. Oh, friends, just back from my ultrasound, and all is perfectly normal. It has grown the perfect amount and has a nice, strong heartbeat, and when I heard that heartbeat, I almost fainted. Cu-chuh, cu-chuh, cu-chuh. It sounded like a little train!

I’ve never heard that. Have never seen that. I’ve never seen anything like this happening inside me, up on that screen. It is dumbfounding.

I don’t know where to begin. I didn’t start feeling nervous until halfway to the clinic, and then suddenly I was having trouble speaking. I couldn’t seem to control my rapid breathing. As we pulled into the parking lot, I started to cry. As we walked up to the doors, the tears really started flowing. I went straight to the bathroom and cried, whispering, “I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared.” This was our GREAT BIG SCARY ultrasound, because this was the week that things went south last time. This was the week! I decided to allow myself to be as emotional as I needed to be. When Em, the raddest nurse ever, saw me, she offered to come into the room with me for moral support. Before she arrived, it was just DH and me in the room, and I collapsed in his arms, crying. Then I was up on the table, and I was a little bit worried I might have a panic attack, my breathing was so rapid, but I managed to calm down. Then Em and my favorite ultrasound tech were there, expressions of kindness on their lovely faces, and I just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.

“Okay, here we go,” the ultrasound tech said. In went the wand. I was squeezing DH’s hand very hard.

And then suddenly, there was this black sac with this enormous white thing in it, and I realized that the big white thing was my baby. I had never seen anything that big in my uterus before.

“Baby and a heartbeat!” the tech cried out.

“It’s HUGE!” I cried back.

And then I lost all composure and started sobbing, pulling DH down to my chest with the hardest hug ever. Em and the ultrasound tech were going “Aw.”  Until DH, the poor guy, said, “Um, babe, you’re hurting me.”

Everyone laughed. I looked up and saw tears in Em and the ultrasound tech’s eyes. I looked at my baby. They were making measurements and all was normal. They turned on the heart-rate thingy, and I heard the amazing little-train sound of my baby’s heartbeat. I just couldn’t believe it. Everything was fine. All numbers, all measurements, perfectly normal. It was miraculous.

More stunned crying.

The ultrasound tech is this really no-nonsense lady who is nonetheless a sweetheart. She wiped her eyes and said: “I can’t believe this. I swear to you I have not cried during an exam in 20 years.” Later, I heard her telling everyone on staff that a first happened today, a patient finally made her cry.

After they left, DH and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves. We hugged. I smiled, but DH wasn’t smiling—he seemed really shocked. “Are you okay?” I asked him. And he really couldn’t speak for a while. It was intense!

He told me that he was worried about my possible Slapped Cheek Syndrome. I woke up this morning with crazy red splotchy cheeks, which can be a sign of a virus that can cause Hydrops fetalis, or it can just be an innocuous pregnancy symptom. I asked about it right away, and they looked in my chart and discovered that I am immune to that virus, so no worries there. As soon as that was cleared up, DH let out a huge sigh of relief and high-fived me.

As if we were in some bizarro parallel universe, the nurse started talking to me about calling my OB to set up an appointment. I  just grinned. OB. What? She said we’ll want to start bridging over to my OB soon. I can’t even believe that. That’s crazy-talk.

Dr. SR wasn’t there today, but I’ll see him at next week’s appointment. So then—we just drove away. It all felt very surreal. I know that we are not out of the woods, but we just passed a great big pregnancy milestone for us, and everything feels right.

For example, this past week, I’ve had a big increase in pregnancy symptoms. I haven’t been writing about any of it because I was feeling private, feeling that documenting every last change in symptomatology, every fluctuation in my emotions and level of hope, was not the healthiest thing to do. And I have to say: It was a relief to keep those details to myself, during such a precarious week as this. I needed to build a private sort of strength, if that makes any sense.

But this past week: the nausea—wow. And the food aversions. I pretty much only wanted to eat buttered toast, chips, buttered pasta, and fruit. My trash, dirty dishes, leftovers in the fridge—all heinous. Off-the-charts fatigue. Record sleep: 12 hours at night, followed by a 2-hour late morning nap. It actually kind of feels like I’m hungover, all the time, every day.

We’re on a winning streak! One, two, three…

  • (1) DH officiated his friend’s wedding this past weekend, and he did such a great job. I swelled with pride. His speech was absolutely moving. That guy. The wedding was at Battery Park Gardens, a gorgeous venue with a view of the Statue of Liberty. All of his friends in that circle are damn good people, and I feel pretty lucky to have married into it. Blueberry Buckle dress was a hit. I’ve seen photos since, and—oh well—I definitely look big-tummied! Now that I know that the pregnancy is going well, I could care less, of course. (DH got very loaded, and I had to take care of him at our hotel that night, but that’s another story, a legendary and quite hilarious one, I might add, that involves a woman with pregnancy nausea taking care of her upchucking husband who hasn’t tied one on in ages and never could handle much alcohol anyway. To be continued.)
  •  (2) When we got home from the wedding, a very special envelope was waiting for us in the mailbox. I took it out, and DH ripped it out of my hands and tore it open, right there in the front yard. It was an overly long and complicated letter, and I watched him reading the lines, his lips moving rapidly, a look of concern and confusion on his face. And then I heard him whisper, “Yessss.” He looked at me: “I passed! I passed!” We threw our arms around each other and swung around and around. He passed his licensing exam! Not only that, he got such a high score that he doesn’t have to worry about it not transferring to other states (some states have higher passing qualifications than does New York).
  • (3) I knew that the big scary ultrasound was number three in our line-up, and I couldn’t help having self-defeating thoughts occasionally, in spite of the pregnancy symptoms. Thoughts like I’m going to break the winning streak. But for the most part, I stayed in neutral, and even had quite a bit of hope at points. “What’s different now?” DH asked during our drive home today. And I told him that it feels like a layer of guardedness has been stripped away, which allows me to more fully connect to the baby. Which is such a relief, and such a gift.

I’ll close with the ultrasound photo. Seven pregnancies, and I’ve never yet had the pleasure of sharing an ultrasound photo. Each time it has been either an empty sac or an undersized blur. Not this time. Thank you God. Welcome, my baby!

week 7

 

 

 

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38 Comments

  1. I am sobbing over here like a baby for you! This is so awesome! God is so good and I’m so happy for you!! Love ya girl!! xoxo

    Reply
  2. yay yay yay!!!!!!! Thrilling, wonderful news!

    Reply
  3. Sunetra

     /  April 17, 2014

    YAY!!! SO happy and excited for you guys! xo

    Reply
  4. Such great news all around! Warm congrats to you and your husband (and awesome news about the EPPP).

    Reply
  5. This made my heart so happy for you. Such wonderful news!!

    Reply
  6. Tess

     /  April 17, 2014

    omg!!!! Congrats!!! I also have tears in my eyes. I love that the ultrasound tech was crying for the first time in 20 years.

    Reply
  7. Ok, well you have me blubbering over here, but I’m probably a tougher nut to crack than the u/s tech! Brimming with joy for you, love.

    Reply
  8. Treyton

     /  April 17, 2014

    How beautiful!!! I am so incredibly happy for you. I have been waiting, waiting, waiting for news. I’ve been checking daily like a crazy stalker!!! Thank you so much for letting us in and sharing your life. God bless

    Reply
  9. Girl, you’re gonna make me cry! So happy for you!

    Reply
  10. Praise God! Happy tears for you over here 😂

    Reply
  11. Well I think the entire blogosphere is crying right along with that ultrasound tech. I had a HUGE grin on my face while I read this, which resulted in tears, which went right back to being a grin with tears. It is so finally your TURN. Beyond thrilled for you, your sweet husband and little perfectly normal nugget!!

    Reply
  12. Congrats! Very happy for you!

    Reply
  13. linz

     /  April 17, 2014

    Was reading this on my lunch break with tears in my eyes. I can hear the joy exuding through your words and I couldn’t be happier for your little family. You deserve all of it. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs. It’s like I can literally feel what you’re going through in the way you express yourself. Keep writing! I love it. :)

    Reply
  14. Wahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an amazing week!

    Reply
  15. I had tears in my eyes reading this! So very happy for you!

    Reply
  16. This makes my heart explode with happiness!! And I definitely had to hold back a tear as I was naughtily checking for news between surgeries :). Honey, I am so damn happy and thrilled… This is perfect! Congrats, sweet Mama!!!

    Reply
  17. So many congrats! I am truly thrilled for you three.

    Reply
  18. Over the moon happy and relieved for you. Rock on, little baby train!

    Sometimes they sound like galloping horses. I’ve had a train and a horse, but only the train made it (so far – there will be another heartbeat in our future, too, I am going to risk saying with measured confidence).

    I can’t tell you how glad I was to read this post. So relieved and happy for you and DH.

    Reply
  19. Danielle

     /  April 17, 2014

    Ohmigosh, I love this post. Everything about it. So much happiness and relief. It takes me back to this exact same appointment we had last year. Completely scared and nauseous, afraid to look at the screen, tears streaming down my face. And there he was with his little heartbeat flickering on the screen. The tech said if we had come in a day earlier we wouldn’t have seen it, as it was sooooooo early. Perfect timing, I guess. So this news, this post, it brings it all back. And I know how much this means. You deserve this, and I can’t wait to continue following you on this journey.

    Reply
  20. Yay, yay, yay!!! So amazingly happy for you.

    Reply
  21. Thank you all! I am happily crying, overwhelmed. I love you!

    Reply
  22. such amazing news!! So glad you don’t have slapped cheek! I had complications with that during my first chemical pregnancy. Parvovirus b19 they call it – not good. Glad you are immune and can’t get it. This is such great news and I’m over the moon for you!!

    Reply
  23. OMG – YES!!!!

    I cried reading this.

    Reply
  24. What wonderful news x

    Reply
  25. Beautiful news! What an amazing experience. I am SO GLAD that what you feared turned into that incredible heartbeat swooshing. I am so glad that things are going well on so many fronts, and I am dying for a Blueberry Buckle picture. Congratulations on another hurdle and your milestone baby picture! So happy for you!

    Reply
  26. Kali

     /  April 17, 2014

    Was waiting for your news, so happy!!!

    Reply
  27. Violet

     /  April 17, 2014

    Amazing news! I’ve been thinking about you all week.
    Keep doing everything you are doing!
    I’m happy for DH as well.

    Reply
  28. This makes me so incredibly happy! Congratulations!

    Reply
  29. Oh how wonderful!! Welcome, sweet baby! You are so loved already!!

    Reply
  30. Wow, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!!!! I am so happy for you.

    Reply
  31. JK

     /  April 18, 2014

    I am just thrilled for you and DH and little one too. Yay!!!!!!!

    Reply
  32. Wow this is a BIG DEAL and I’m so relieved and happy for you! Good grief, every time you say 7 pregnancies it makes me feel light headed–I don’t how you found the strength to keep going. It’s amazing–so amazing you made the US tech cry! Congrats. XOXO

    Reply
  33. Bruised.Banana

     /  April 18, 2014

    Congrats!! This is amazing !

    Reply
  34. Amy Mac

     /  April 18, 2014

    Oh my sweet sister in this donor and fertility journey! I’ve tried to read this post three times and keep having to stop from my tears! I am truly overjoyed for you and DH. When you’ve been through the ringer as we have (this is my sixth pregnancy – second with donor egg, and first one to see a heartbeat – I’m 21 weeks today), every day of this journey is emotionally complex and intense. Enjoy your bland foods (I found eating SOMETHING every two hours helped to reduce the nausea a little; I wanted cereals that I hadn’t eaten since childhood!) and get all the sleep you want. I’ll be cheering on that little ball of light and love growing strong inside you!

    Reply
    • Hi honey! I remember when you first commented, and your kind words when I lost my first DE pregnancy. We really DO have a lot in common. 21 weeks—hurrah!!! I can’t wait to be able to say the same. Please keep in touch and if you feel so inclined, send me a line or a photo of your baby when the time comes, I’d be so delighted. (tut072012@gmail.com). I forget—was your first DE loss due to chromosomal abnormality? I’m just curious because it seems like I am hearing quite a few stories of women who miscarry normal embryos first time with DE, but then go on to have success the second or third time. It’s just so strange!

      Reply
  35. Congrats:-) No one can ever know what these milestones mean to those of us who have never been able to get there.

    Reply
  36. You all are such sweethearts, want to scoop you up! Just grinning here on my couch. My tribe! xoxox!

    Reply
  37. Yaaaay!!!!!! Nothing I tried could stop my tears of joy for you. Sorry I’m mostly a lurker these days, but just know I really reeeeally wanted this announcement from you! Hugs!!!!!

    Reply

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