Foregoing numberlessness

Now that I have positive validation via ultrasound, I told all folks involved that I am foregoing numberlessness. I officially can now handle the numbers and not be driven bananas by them. Which is why I was fine talking gestational sac size today.

So: I got my betas. It turns out that Beta 1 was 295, Beta 2 was 942, and today’s Beta is 12, 153. I have no idea what that “1600” number I glimpsed on the table was today, but it wasn’t a beta—perhaps I should stop myself from reading ballpoint-ink scrawled letters and numbers upside down and making assumptions about them, eh? I just wanted to clear that up, in case anyone was curious.

Progesterone is looking excellent for Crinone: 11.7. And estrogen is at 889. Whew. Hurdles all passed. If I weren’t pregnant, I would have a giant, ice-cold, gluten-free beer right now and just go, Ahhhhhh, for about an hour. Instead, I went for a walk in the brisk spring air, listening to my magic playlist.

Dr. SR had a rock from a fertility shrine in Mexico on his window ledge. I have to find out which shrine it was—he says it was built in 500 or something like that. He said that the clinic has had a good morning this morning—two women who’ve experienced recurrent miscarriage “graduated.” He said, with his usual only-half-joking humility, that “maybe this place has magic in it.” He then encouraged me, if I felt inclined, to touch the stone from the Mexican fertility shrine. I couldn’t believe it. What RE does this sort of thing? So I picked it up. I wrapped my hands around it and felt the warmth it had soaked up from the sun on the window ledge. I didn’t think anything more specific than LOVE. It’s just what came to me. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. I opened my eyes and thought: What is this place? I felt pretty fortunate to have landed up there.

Talking to DH on the phone was pure delight. He sighed in relief about a thousand times. “Tell me,” he said. “Tell me again about its perfectness.” I could hear him smiling.

I texted my mom and she texted back a giant list of names of people, at her workplace and in the family, who are all praying for us. I asked her to please thank all of them for me. Maybe I will write that group FB personal message soon. Maybe I can make that leap now. We’ll see. I sure do like feeling less isolated this time around.

Oh, to hold onto this relief. To hold onto this ease. I know that it will be impossible to stay zenned during the entirety of the next seven days, but I will try my best to stay centered.


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  1. I think you are doing amazing staying centering! Especially with hearing the numbers, rock touching and sharing. Hold on!! That’s a good mantra to have. Glad that DH was smiling. Wishing you both many more delights to come!

  2. This brings tears to my eyes. You deserve this beautiful sac, excellent (so excellent!) numbers, and answered prayers. Still praying this little one continues to grow and thrive inside you!

  3. linz

     /  April 3, 2014

    I am relatively new to reading your blog but when I found it I went back and read every single entry over the course of one evening. I am so thrilled for you!!! Truly happy for both you and your husband and I hope there’s plenty more happy posts to read. :). Your story brings hope to me and your strength and positive attitude are a wonderful example of how I hope to be.

    • Wow, what a lovely thing to say to a person—I am so touched by your words! I can’t believe you read them all, to say I’m honored you took the time to do that is an understatement. Thank you for caring about my story. As for the positive attitude, it’s wonderful to hear that I can be inspiring in any way—it has taken me a long time to get here, but I’m telling you, it truly is the best way to be. Not just for me, but for all of the people in my life. I know that if things don’t work out I will be devestated and might have to experience quite a bit of darkness, but I also know I can always come back to love and light. It’s a choice I just have to keep making over and over! xo

  4. Well the numbers sound super encouraging! Happy to keep reading good news!!

  5. Hahaha love the rock! You are doing excellent with all the numbers. Great news and still praying.

    • I appreciate that so much. I wish I could have taken that rock home! Dr. SR also has a wizard hat in his office that is good luck—I asked if I could wear it all week this week, and he just laughed (but I was only half-joking).

  6. Congratulations!! Your doc sounds so wonderful and just perfect for you. Can’t wait to read more good news!!

  7. Those numbers are fantastic!! Continuing to send you well wishes for this pregnancy. I have a great feeling!! xoxo


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