This is the fun part

foodThis is the fun part, the part before betas, and tables, and wands up my hoo-ha. The part before doctors and nurses and ultrasound technicians begin to scrutinize what’s inside me. The part during which it is just me, my babies, my nausea, and that simple pink second line. The part where I get to crave pickles (really!) and potato chips, popsicles and soda water, and think of myself as a normal pregnant woman.

Sort of. Except for when I type in internet searches concerning nausea that begins right after implantation, wondering if it is as normal as my nurse says it is, and I end up in forums, message boards, where there are women who have never experienced infertility. The ones with very early nausea, bemoaning their fate. “Is it possible to get sick this early???” is the gist of each questioner’s question. And other women respond with words along the lines of: “Yes! I got sick before I even got a positive—it sucks, but it happens. I’m sorry you’re going through this!” And  I think: “Sorry? Huh?”

And then I remember. I span back to the time before my first blighted ovum, my first miscarriage. Not having any nausea at all, and my mom and I chit-chatting breezily about it. “Maybe you’ll be lucky! Maybe you’ll be one of those women who doesn’t get nauseous,” I recall my mom saying.  And although I don’t remember exactly what I said in response, it wouldn’t surprise me if I said something casually such as: “Yeah, that’d be great.”

Oh, what I didn’t know then! I didn’t know that during the next three years, I would celebrate every pregnancy symptom of one, two, three, four, five, six pregnancies, jotting down catalogues in my calendar, lists yipping with exclamation points. Just like I’m doing now.

It’s difficult to not take note of the echoes. Even though this time feels very, very different to me on many levels, even though I feel like I am the one guiding this experience this time, the echoes remain.

Like for example today: I went to the vitamin store to get my Prenatal DHA. The same stuff I’ve gotten during previous pregnancies, and that I’ve been taking for the past three months. And I couldn’t help but notice the slight shift, a shift I have now experienced six times: I was not buying these as an infertile woman, prepping for her next treatment; I was buying them as a pregnant woman. I’d never seen this particular cashier before, and with the bloat I’m already sporting, for all she knew, I was just another knocked-up lady, purchasing her fish oils. Maybe she noticed the subtle lines around my eyes, the wisps of gray at my temples, and had the fleeting thought that I was probably working on my third and last child. Whatever the case, I couldn’t help but notice that I felt different, and I probably acted differently. I probably smiled more, made more eye contact. I felt authentic.

It’s not that I actually believe that b.s.—in no way am I a less authentic person, in no way do I have anything to be ashamed of, going in there not-pregnant and buying prenatal supplements. But there must be stuff brewing, feelings of embarrassment, at the unconscious level for me, all the time, that I’m not always aware of.

I felt different at TJ’s, too. It was a festival of mothers and children today, and I found myself making lots of eye contact with the cute kiddos. I also felt patient when two chatting mothers and their collective five children clogged the frozen aisle, one of them talking about how her son does not allow her to buy macaroons from the store any longer but demands she makes them from scratch. Instead of inwardly rolling my eyes, I looked at her face and saw that she was rolling hers, shrugging. “I’ve totally spoiled him,” she said. And it occurred to me: What did I know of what it was like, really like, to raise a demanding child? When would I give in?

These are the kinds of questions I, once upon a time, back in my late twenties and early thirties, had no problem entertaining. My then-husband, now ex-husband, and I would discuss these sorts of things over dinner. We would subtly (and not-so-subtly) critique the parenting strategies of our friends and talk about how we would do things differently or the same. But during my years of infertility, I haven’t felt so comfortable entering the territory of the “What kind of parent do I want to be” conversation. Sometime during the past three years, that conversation was supplanted by the other, darker conversation: “Will I ever get to become a parent?”

Last night, watching the credits of a movie roll by on our television screen, DH and I read names out loud that we liked, name possibilities for our children. We agreed on some, guffawed at others. It was thrilling. Scary. Like kissing someone you really, really like for the first time. And it was fun.

Yes, this is the fun part. I’m hoping that it lasts a good long while this time.

Previous Post
Leave a comment


  1. I’m glad to see you have such a great outlook on this period. It can easily be a nerve-wreaking one, so I’m very happy to see you’re being so mindful.

    For my final cycle, I noticed that letting go of the fretting actually helped get me through so much, from the waiting to the next ultrasound and finally to those weekly appointments. So keep doing what you’re doing. And stay away from the internet. It will only ruin your good vibe.

  2. Yes it is fun. It is exciting. I am so glad you can experience this.

  3. I loved this post. <3

  4. Kali

     /  March 22, 2014

    So, so profoundly happy for you, from the bottom of my soul. I have approval to transfer to Atlanta, now I’m contemplating whether or not I’ll go. If you’re willing to talk about it offline, could you let me know with a comment here?

  5. That picture of the pickles sums up my life about now ;) Love everything about all your posts, I am finally catching up and jumping for joy at all that’s happening! YAY


Leave a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 215 other followers

  • Posts By Month


  •© the unexpected trip,, 2012-2017.
  • Recent Posts By Title

  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

  • Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: