Mama is coming to Atlanta! / Chakras and shamanism/ Making love

I can’t believe it: My mom is coming to Atlanta to be with me for the transfer.


This is amazing for many reasons. First off, my mom works all the time. She did not begin working until she was in her early sixties, due to necessity—our family business (construction) collapsed in the wake of the housing crisis in Ohio. My father went from making over 100K a year to making nothing. Also, to pay off debts and taxes and try to salvage the business, they had to use their retirement money—much of which they had already spent taking care of my (now medicated and mentally healthy) brother, who suffered through Bipolar Disorder in his twenties and thirties. My dad now has off-and-on work as a supervisor of construction projects, but it pays a fraction of what he used to make. He works jobs on the side doing the actual manual labor himself (building decks, additions, houses) but he is past his mid-sixties and will not be able to do this much longer; his body is breaking down. It’s a very difficult situation, but they impress me with their resilience.

My mom is an Operations Team Member at a health club/gym—which means she cleans locker rooms, toilets, does the laundry, and so on. It’s back-breaking work and she has had a ton of health problems since she began. But she is a very healthy, fit woman and she keeps on bouncing back. I’ve never admired my mom so much as I have in the past handful of years since she rose to this challenge, got the job (with some help from her daughter, the resume-writer), and has been kicking ass at it ever since, pulling in what was much-needed health care for her and my dad (my dad’s jobs don’t come with health insurance) before Medicare, and much-needed extra income. Can you imagine not working your entire life and then suddenly, in your early sixties, you have to start getting up at 4 a.m. to go to a gym to clean toilets? But she does her job so well she gets written up in the newsletter, and everyone loves her. (She gets paid ten dollars an hour. Outrageous.)

Anyway, this is a long way of saying: Getting time off work for my mom is extremely challenging. She does it carefully and sparingly. But she got off work for Thursday, Friday (day of transfer), and Saturday, and DH and I bought her a ticket to fly down to Atlanta and stay with me in my hotel. So I will be in Atlanta the 12th – 15th, and my mom will be there the 13th – 15th. Day of transfer: March 14th. The other reason this is amazing is that my mom never travels alone. She is, essentially, a pretty sheltered Ohio girl who has been with my dad since they were 15. She does everything with him, and she’s not comfortable traveling alone, especially air travel. She’s not afraid of flying; it’s just the logistics of it that make her nervous. But she’s gonna do it for me. Thank you, mama!

It never occurred  to me that I could ask her to do this. The thought just never crossed my mind. The thing is, I’ve been pretty self-sufficient for a long time. My brother was the trainwreck with (long-undiagnosed) Bipolar Disorder; I was the one who kept her shit together and excelled at everything. (That is, until I threw a bomb on my life by divorcing my husband and subsequently falling in love with a sexy crazy vampire person whom I lived in a fantasy world with, but, ahem, that’s another story. Good girl fed up with being good girl? Um yeah, think so.) For the longest time, was the one my parents came to, you know? And I never called them if I was sad or if things weren’t going well; I only called them when I was doing excellently. Of course, a lot of that has changed. But there are still vestiges of that way of being with them—like, for example, in this situation, when it doesn’t occur to me to call my mom and ask her to join me for this momentous transfer.

Until I did a card reading, that is. I had a wonderful women’s circle at my home with my two lovely Long Island ladies, whom I met in a women’s circle at my yoga studio in 2012 (time flies, woosh). I can’t express how grateful I am to have them in my life; their support and love has been my ballast. We made a feast; we talked about our inner lives; we did yoga; and we picked a card from Tarot of the Four Elements. I got the Two of Fire: “As this card appears in a reading, realize that attempting to push forward on your own may be foolhardy. Include an associate, friend, or significant other in your plans. Choose someone who has fortitude and dynamis. You may need this individual in order to harness the principle o fire and make it work on your behalf….a divine essence is illuminating your path in the world.”

Now, I had already been feeling this sense of absence, that I needed and wanted someone to be with me in Atlanta, but I was semi-resigned to have to be alone…though my mind and heart were inwardly seeking for a solution. DH can’t go because he just can’t keep taking off so much work. I mean, he feasibly could but neither of us wants him to right now, when he’s so busy, and his licensing exam is on March 24th. What if we want his days off later, for a babymoon? Mmm. Babymoon. That sounds real nice. So the card, as the cards do, just highlighted what was already going on inside and gave me that extra little push. The next morning, for the first time ever,  I thought: “My mom. Why don’t I just ask my mom to come?” I texted her immediately. She texted back: “Absolutely!” And yesterday it was all finalized. Love me some manifestation.

In other news, I’m still doing the meditations, chakra work, and now—Shamanic journeying. I used to do Shamanic journeying in college (that’s definitely a post I should write—so crazy) but I haven’t since then, and I have to tell you: It is spiritual work that seems simply designed perfectly for my particular soul. Listening to double-drumming puts me in a deep, deep trance and fantastic things happen. DH didn’t know I was doing one and he came into the living room and turned on the light, and I felt I had literally been ripped out of that world into this one —-I screamed for a year! He screamed, too. It was hilarious.

We’ve been making love in this deep, passionate way, all sorts of colors flash through my mind as our bodies join. I envision our chakras lighting up along our spines like Christmas lights. The intimacy is intense and delicate at the same time.

As I was stroking his arms and back after love-making this morning, he said: “This is heaven. I wonder if this is God speaking to me through you.”

We talked. A few words here, a few words there, as I stroked his back. It was like a gentle symphony.

I said, referring to a heated talk we’d had two days before about the possible challenges of having twins: “What I should have said to you is that I will do whatever needs to be done for our family—if that means going back to the working world, I will work. Or if that means getting up far more often than you do in the middle of the night to attend to them, I’ll do that. I can do anything for us. I am very, very strong.”

“Thank you for saying that,” he said.

He said that he thinks about me throughout the day and feels such tenderness toward me because of how wholeheartedly I throw myself into things—my art, my yoga, my writing, this journey—without inhibition, like a child.

It’s so good to be seen. To be seen by him.

In closing I’d like to say: To those of you who have blogs I follow, please forgive me if I don’t comment quite as much as I’d like in the coming days…things are about to get pretty busy. But just know that I am still there, still reading your stories.

Leave a comment


  1. so glad your mom can travel with you! I will be thinking of you on transfer weekend! safe travels!

  2. Good luck with the transfer.I also look to my cards for guidance during fertility challenges. I’d love to hear more about your Shamanic journeying. Sounds awesome!

  3. Your mom is one amazing lady! It’s so great that she will be able to join you for the transfer. Wishing you truckloads of good luck!

  4. Yippee! I love this post. All of it. You sound soooo strong and I love it! So pleased your mum is going to be there for you. That makes me warm and cozy inside. I’m just so bloody excited for you lover. So many hugs xxx

    • Ha! You called me lover! That’s awesome. My mom is a good one—I haven’t seen her in over a year, so wrong in so many ways. It’ll be a nice reunion. Plus, she’ll get to take care of me while I’m on Valium. xoxoxo

  5. Wow, you have one tough cookie mama! I’m not surprised, as you are one tough cookie yourself. I am glad you have her with you for your transfer, which I can’t believe is tomorrow! I will be thinking wonderful thoughts for you. You are strong, and you have this amazing sense of what you need to bring you and your DH peace during this process. Hoping for all things positive as you go into this next cycle!

    • Thank you Jess! I’m chomping on the bit b/c my first publishing of this post made it seem like I was going to transfer tomorrow—but it’s actually 2 weeks from now. But I’m drinking in your positivity anyway. (:

  6. Oooooo goosebumps! Talk about “synchronicities”, your life is in harmony right now! Perfect place to manifest some twins! I’m thrilled your Mom is coming to be with you–what a blessing. You are a little powerhouse & you can do anything you put your mind/body/soul to, so you go on with your goddess self miss thang :) Luvs, Me

    • That’s right, my goddess self is gonna strut it now, so watch out! Thanks for calling me a powerhouse. This time feels different. I get frustrated still, and sad, but I bounce back so easily. I’m nervous and anxious, but the volume is turned down pretty low. So I’ve just got to embrace the harmony and strength that’s there for the taking. xoxoxo

  7. My mom came for my first transfer, and it was wonderful having her around to dote on me and distract me. I’m very happy you’re going to have the same! Update us when you can…I’ll be thinking of you lots in the meantime. Good luck!

    • Yeah, I can’t wait for my mom’s distractions—she can be pretty damn funny. We actually laugh together a lot—I need that! Thank you for holding me in mind.

  8. Sorry if I was unclear y’all—when I said thurs, fri, sat I meant march 13 – 15. Still have 2 weeks before blastoff—the transfer is march 14th. I’ll leave for Atlanta on wed the 12th, mom will join me on the 13th.

  9. Glad you will have company for your ET. I will be going solo again but am just flying down the night before and leaving right after the transfer.. This will be my 7th transfer (once we had nothing to transfer) so my perspective is rather jaded. I’m jealous of your optimism!

    • Here—take some of it, take some optimism! (: I know, it’s got to be such a hard thing to go through this seven times. Ugh. I’m still wishing for the best for you. This is only my second transfer, third major ART procedure (my OE IVF at CCRM never went to transfer), so I’ve still got gas to burn. Thinking of you.

  10. Andrea

     /  February 28, 2014

    Hi. I just found your blog and am so glad I did. I’m in Atlanta and will have my FET on the same day as you! I am going to Emory though. I haven’t read your whole blog but I have read a few of your posts. I look forward to going back and reading more. I also look forward to following your journey!


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  •© the unexpected trip,, 2012-2017.
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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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