CD 1

9 of heartsGot my period this morning. Yep.

Two thoughts: Holy f*cking sh*t. And: I’m ready.

Let’s go babies, I’m ready to carry you, grow you, and meet you.

I can’t do any better than this. I can’t be any more ready this. Have done everything I can. This is it. This is what I’ve got to offer, Life. This is what I can do, what I’m bringing to this miraculous endeavor. I am focused and am ready to be one with my intentions. I am attracting goodness to me like a magnet. I’m not even afraid of jinxing myself because I no longer think the universe works like that. What I do believe is that thoughts are creative, and I’ve been creating these babies for weeks and weeks and weeks now. (Well, actually, I’ve been creating them for years and years.)

My body must be healthy—the lining I’m shedding right now is Technicolor red! Woah. Nice. Good girl.

Caffeine is totally out now (I miss you, my love) and organic swiss-water-press decaf is in. I’m making delicious Nutri.bullets (this morning: dandelion greens + blueberries and cherries + brazil nuts + chia seeds) and have been drinking them every morning. At night, we share pineapple + banana + coconut milk ones, after dinner.

Still cooking and eating only anti-inflammation and gluten-free food, and I definitely feel the difference. Still taking a very low dose of Zolo, and it helps keep me steady emotionally. Doing cardio and yoga about every other day or so. Filling my sketchbook with visualizations. Buying relaxing, inspiring, or fun music. Recording meditations/visualizations and trying them every few days or so. Going for walks in the woods when the snow is not prohibitive and doing walking meditations. Have any of you ever felt like you are an Olympic athlete in training—not due to physical stuff, but just due to the sheer amount of focus you exert in prepping for a cycle, on all fronts?

This day came a day earlier than I predicted, which makes me smile. My luteal phase has always been reliable, but somewhere along the line, it started to stretch out to 15 days. This time: 14 days, textbook perfect.

Slapped on the 2 Viv.elle patches this morning, as soon as I saw blood. This will suppress my own (very active lately) ovaries. I never did write about what it felt like to ovulate two eggs—the mittelschmerz was much gentler than I thought it would be. I had some passing sadness about not using that opportunity, but I also knew that the eggs were more of a communication than anything, and that I should stay on the path that I’m on.

Did 30 minutes of cardio this morning with the Vive.lle patches and they seemed to stay in place fine. Any words of wisdom out there about exercise during this part of the cycle? My REs seem to be saying: You can do whatever is normal for your body, but avoid the sauna. I don’t know if it was psychosomatic, but I felt like I sweat a lot more today, and started to feel a little bit dizzy on the ellipitical…maybe due to the estrogen?

I’d like to spend some time describing what has been happening in therapy, and what I’ve been learning about the chakras, but today is IMG_8037going to be a busy day in the life of this “householder” (I love that term in Buddhism), with lots of cooking, baking, and cleaning. I’m making jerk chicken and a spicy raspberry vinaigrette salad, and am dying to try out the blue cornmeal I bought yesterday in a flatbread. Am also making apricot-cashew and almond-fig snack bars using my (now beloved and prized above all kitchen contraptions) nutri.bullet.

I’m happy, ladies. Excited.

Last night, when I started to get the tell-tale feelings that my period was coming, I scrambled over to DH on the couch and curled up against his side, like a caterpillar curling into a ball. “I’m scared,” I said playfully, in a baby voice. And then, in a woman’s much deeper voice, I half-whispered against his neck: “I’m scared.” I cried. “I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared,” I said. I gave voice to my fear, and then, within about five minutes, it left me alone. The truth is, I am far more excited than scared. In comparison to my connection and eagerness, my fear is fleeting and weirdly gentle.

I’ve got to go do some days-counting on the calendar—I’m thinking transfer is going to be around March 11th. Wow. Here we go…

Leave a comment


  1. Looks like our timelines are similar.

    I am happy that you find yourself in a better space with better energy surrounding you. You deserve every minute of it.

  2. AndiePants

     /  February 20, 2014

    This post was full of lovely things – I am excited for you! I love that you have laid yourself in front of life and said,”here I am!”

  3. I am giddy with you girl! I can’t wait to read of your pregnancy announcement in March! I’m believing with you that this is it! YAY

  4. very excited for you! you have been taking awesome care of yourself and have totally done all you can to get ready!! I got hungry from your post, too!

    I think it is brave and smart to give a voice to the fear – that helps it pass faster then trying to ignore it and push it down!

    • I had another voicing of fear yesterday for about 10 minutes this time, crying and pacing inspired by an annoying interaction with my RBA nurse (she sent me my protocol along with the words “let me know if anything is missing!” Um—me let her know? Wha?). But I calmed down so quickly and then it felt like it never happened. It feels good to release when the release seems insistent on happening—and then I just let it go. This is progress. (I can’t take full credit, as you know—gotta tip my hat to Zolo (:

  5. Danielle

     /  February 20, 2014

    I so enjoyed all the wonderful positives in your post! I’m excited for you!!!

  6. I absolutely love this post. You are a wonderful mother to these babies that are soon coming to meet you. You have met fear head on and conquered it. You are radiating happiness and it is heart meltingly beautiful.

  7. This post is so happy and full of positive vibes. So incredibly happy and excited for you. Here’s to a fantastic cycle!

  8. Omg! Omg! This is going so fast! I’m so impressed with how completely dedicated you are to harmonizing your mind/body/spirit! I’m really wishing you would start posting the recipes for all the yummy stuff you’re making! No fear :) XOXO

  9. The pre-cycle combo of excitement and fear is such a weird emotion. I’m so glad that you’ve got more of the former than the latter. As for exercise, I always did my usual workouts right up to transfer day. It never seemed to interfere with anything and it kept me relaxed, so I say go for it.

  10. CD1 here too (at last!) I have everything crossed that this will be THE cycle for both of us. Your post is so positive and great to read, love it! x

  11. I read all of your comments first thing this morning with a big smile, feeling so grateful. Thank you sisters!

  12. Wow this is a very inspiring post! You make me want to try out all these neat recipes too! I’ll be prepping for a transfer soon and the world you describe is pretty much what I want to immerse myself in! Wishing you crazy heaps of good luck and babydust :)

  13. Emski

     /  February 21, 2014

    All the best for you this cycle. I’ll be about 2 weeks after you. It’s exciting and daunting at the same time, but you seem so ready for this. I’ll be cheering you on.

  14. Holy crap, it’s on! You can do this girl. Every ounce of my being knows you are ready for this. I will be watching so closely xxx

  1. Taking a Break | Trust your struggle

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  • Posts By Month


  •© the unexpected trip,, 2012-2017.
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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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