Cycle dates / I fired my therapist

I think I mentioned in passing that I decided not to start Lup.ron this cycle. No, I was not ready yet, even though Dr. Shapiro said it would be fine. I needed (need) more time to nurture myself and create a welcoming environment out of my body and mind. Ovulated recently, right on time (oh the irony of ovulating like clockwork and having a perfect 2-week luteal phase every month) so my period should come on Jan. 18. If the body clock keeps operating normally, it’ll probably all shake out approximately like this:

Jan 18: period

Feb 7: CD 21: Start Lup.ron

Week of Feb 9: Scratch biopsy

Feb 21: Lup.ron period; start Viv.elle patches

Mar 7: Start doxy + med.rol

Mar 8: Start Cri.none

Mar 13: FET

Am I ready for this? Right now, at least, it is feeling like, yes, one more month of self-care should be enough time before beginning Lupron. A little over two months until transfer sounds about right.

In the meantime, I’m on Self-Care Island, which is overall a good place. I say “island” because I’m literally on one, but also, that’s what it feels like—I’m sort of isolated out here with my self-help books, meditation techniques, yoga, Zoloft, and anti-inflammation and gluten-free recipes, trying to find the equation that will amount to stable physical and mental health.  It gets tiring sometimes. I still have bad days. I still cry. But I’m not in despair. I even manage to feel happiness sometimes, and hope for this upcoming FET cycle. Mornings are still often weird —lots of thoughts about how old I am, how much I want to hold my baby, and enormous spans back in time to childhood, as if my mind, without my permission, is trying to map out and understand exactly how I ended up here. I have to keep a wrap on that as much as possible and save it for therapy…

Which brings me to: I fired my therapist. Dr. Y was terrible! I went three times, and that was it. The clincher for me was when she wouldn’t allow me to freely describe the thing I am most afraid of. She kept assuming, putting words in my mouth, and she was  condescending about it. “So the thing you are most afraid of is probably when you start bleeding and cramping?” she said. “No, no,” I said, “I don’t cramp much, and I don’t spot or bleed. It’s not like that.” I tried to describe what is really the most terrifying thing for me, but she kept interjecting with comments and condescending looks, as if to say: You are being avoidant. She was assuming that I was avoiding talking about the actual process of miscarrying, and seemed not to understand what happens when you don’t bleed at all and have to go in for a D & C.

It took me quite some time to talk around her to release what is truly my worst fear: Getting up on the table for that first ultrasound, and for that second ultrasound. Because you climb up on the table on one path, and you leave that table on another path. The table is the turning point. So much rests on what pops up on that screen! When I feel fear and anxiety, that is what I think about most of all.

The other thing that bothered me was her advice about my MIL. My SIL had to go to therapy in order to deal with the emotional abuse of our MIL, and she now has very strict boundaries: she won’t give MIL her phone number, and MIL has her alternate email, one SIL checks only when she is mentally ready to do so. Long story short, I have had to erect certain boundaries, too, which at one point included filtering her emails to a folder I would check only when I was feeling strong. But I have removed the filter. And I have done a LOT of work (lots of Byron Katie stuff) trying to figure out how to interact with her, because the tension is so upsetting to DH and causes strain between us.

Also, the money we used for IVF was theirs, and the money we used for DE IVF was from an investment they started for DH when he was a baby—it is his money, in his name, but they started it for him.

We would not be able to try any of this, and adoption would be a faraway option (even though they don’t approve of adoption–another story), if it weren’t for their financial help, and for the planning they did for DH’s financial future. Although that help comes with a great deal of Korean shaming, DH continues to explain to me that “that is just the way they always are.”

So I am trying to be more like him and not take her ways so personally. If I told you some of the things she has done and said, you, like Dr. Y, might tell me to “stay as far away as possible,” but I am trying what I think is a healthier route. I can’t change her but I can change my reaction to her. Dr. Y was not really in support of this, and that was another clincher. She wasn’t allowing me to explore where I am truly at in that relationship.

I have an appointment to see a new therapist next Thursday, and she specializes in infertility—cue sigh of relief. I don’t think I necessarily need to go to someone who specializes in infertility—Jori was not an IF specialist, and she was amazing—but it might feel freeing to speak with someone who knows the minutia of treatment-cycles and miscarriage.

Now it’s time for me to go for a walk in the woods. That’s the new thing on Self-Care Island: walk in the sun and trees every day. Chant and meditate as you walk along—no one can see you or hear you. Cultivate peace and hope in your hippie heart.

Okay. I’ll try.

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26 Comments

  1. That sounds like a great walk! And good luck with the new therapist! It will be nice that you don’t have to explain the details of IF!

    Reply
  2. Good for you! Firing your therapist can be a tough thing for people to realize they need to do. It takes so much strength. I hope your new one works out well!

    Reply
  3. I totally agree with you on firing your therapist. I am also very encouraged and inspired by you to keep seeking a relationship with your MIL. Healing of our hearts also starts with healing relationships with others as well and I think you are doing a great job of taking steps in that direction. As long as she is still living, you will always have to deal with her so it’s better to figure out the healthy way now and save you some sanity. :) xoxoxo!!

    waitingforbabybird.com

    Reply
    • Yes, you get it! When I hate my MIL, I feel horrible. When I am accepting of her, I feel peace. It really is as simple as that.

      I *have* to deal with her…I tried keeping very far away and it just doesn’t work, because it puts such a strain on my relationship with DH. No matter what she says or does, I can develop the habit of—like DH—letting it go. DH will roll his eyes and just forget about it, or he will respond neutrally. It’s an adaptation he developed in order to survive as a kid and it’s something I can learn, too.

      What’s tricky is how inconsistent she is. She can be extremely affectionate, disclose personal things, and generally draw you in…but then she’ll surprise you by her coldness, guilt-tripping, or outright meanness the next time. She’s a very difficult person who has a conception of herself as superior, but she doesn’t understand why she upsets people. That’s where I can feel empathy for her. She has all of these problems with people, but she cannot see why or how, which must be very confusing for her! And she’s 70-something is not going to learn now.

      In any case, yes, the healthier thing is to heal resentment and develop a relationship that invites peace and sanity. That’s why my therapist’s adamant instruction to stay away from her seemed so off the mark. Staying away in the past has only caused more pain.

      Reply
      • your MIL sounds like my MIL! LOL! Whenever we would visit I would sit in the car and on the way home say things like…”did you hear her say this? or did you hear her say that?” And he would literally have nooo clue what I was talking about. He said that when she starts talking and he doesn’t like it, he turns it to white noise. I started doing that. It helps :)

        Reply
        • Ha! Wow. Am shaking my head. MIL once sent DH and I an email that enraged me, and DH told me that if she had just sent it to him alone, he would have simply ignored it and forgotten it. Par for the course. Make it white noise, yah!

          Reply
  4. Wow, you definitely need to be on self-care island with all of that going on. I hate when my mind goes places without my permission; I love how you worded this. I am so hoping that all of this self-care is setting you up for a successful FET!

    Reply
  5. I’ve never had my own therapist, but I know for sure that it would have to be someone that I felt like really understood me and was listening to me. Good for you for standing up for yourself and getting rid of her!

    Reply
    • Yeah, she and I really did not click. I tried to make it work. She did help me and put me on a path of self-nurturance. So often I felt like she just wasn’t even listening to what I was saying, or she would have really inappropriate responses to certain personal bits about my family that made me uncomfortable. It was definitely a learning experience!

      Reply
      • Kali

         /  January 10, 2014

        She sounds less like a therapist and more like a friend in my support group from whom I’m trying to distance myself.

        Clearly, all therapists are not created equal. I’m almost ready to let go of mine, only because I don’t think she gets infertility or the feelings involved. She’s helped with a lot of things, so there’s no rush but since it’s the lack of a child that is crushing me with grief, I may have to find someone who specializes in infertility AND is affordable, i.e. covered by my insurance.

        Reply
        • Ah, I hope you find what you’re looking for, and without going broke. I know what you mean about “getting” IF. Dr. Y actually said to me: “Did you know that some women feel so bitter that they can’t even be around children?” and she said this with a look of disbelief….and dare I say a look of judgement. She used one of my least favorite pejorative adjectives (“bitter”) to describe something so complex and painful.

          Reply
  6. Good for you getting rid of someone who’s not helpful (Dr. Y, not the MIL).

    I know well that fear of the U/S table. Crushing fear. My advice is never to have to get up on one on your birthday. That’s a double kick in the face. I won’t do that again, even if it’s for something other than a prenatal scan and I’m 75!

    Enjoy your time on Self-Care Island! Sounds delicious (with the odd twinge of melancholy but that’s understandable in the circumstances). Good to hear you finding some hope.

    Reply
    • on your BIRTHDAY, poor you!! No, it is looking like I am going to swoosh past my 40th without even a syringe in sight, let alone u/s table. I’m thinking of doing some art therapy about that stupid table. Excise the demon…

      Reply
  7. Clare

     /  January 10, 2014

    Seeing a fertility therapist is where it’s at. Mine has been through it all and ended up having 2 LO’s through a surrogate. It was a huge turning point for me when I went to see her. So validating and so great to pour it all out without having to explain any of the fertility stuff.

    Reply
  8. Lydia

     /  January 10, 2014

    No words of wisdom from me, just a cyber (((((hug))))) from me!

    Reply
  9. Kali

     /  January 10, 2014

    Hey I’ve been working with Byron Katie too! Just over the last two days. I am still far from healed, as I’m sure you can understand, but I’ve come to a better place in how I think about my best friend, and letting go of feeling responsible for my parents’ sadness on my behalf. My anger at my parents has evaporated–they are being as supportie as possible now, but mom calls and I’m almost always on the verge of tears and I know it hurts her–it would hurt me as an aunt. I can’t say as a mom because I’m not one.

    Byron Katie’s work is really the practice of honest, pure compassion. It’s not easy, but powerful. I’m grateful even for the little bit of relief it’s given me–because that relief stays with me even when I cry from pure sadness–her tools help me to work through the anger quickly, and sometimes avoid it altogether.

    Reply
    • That’s amazing. I’m so impressed! It’s HARD to do. And even harder to keep up. I now do it more or less in my head, but I think I should get more disciplined and start writing certain ones out on paper again. So thrilled that this is working for you!

      Reply
  10. Tess

     /  January 11, 2014

    I’ve got an infertility therapist. She is fantastic.

    This stuff is too tough for mediocre therapists to handle. We need excellent top-therapist-grade therapists to help us through this situation.

    Reply
  11. Dr. Y sounds awful. Good riddance! You sound like you know exactly what you can and cannot handle, more power to you!

    Reply

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