I woke up with you on my mind

7:00 a.m., December 25th, and I woke up thinking of all of you. Some of you are skipping Christmas in an effort to protect your hearts; some of you are steeling yourself for awkward or painful or depressing interactions, and are looking forward to a day of wine and bathroom cries; some of you are at a point at which you can embrace the day, even though you are hurting and healing; some of you are finally expecting to have your babies soon and this might be the first Christmas you’ve felt celebratory in years.

I hold all of you in my heart today. We’re heading off to the Poconos Mountains, to a friend’s family’s retreat house, where we will stay through the weekend. I’m bringing all of my art supplies and my hiking boots and the stash of gluten-free chocolate-chip cookies I baked yesterday. My love’s in the other room, still sleeping. We’re a little melancholy, but I’m sure the natural beauty we’re about to encounter will lift us up. I’m hoping it will be a reflective and healing time.

I’m hoping that whatever phase of this crazy trip you are in right now that you find moments of peace, even joy, today.

And for those of you who aren’t on this trip exactly, I wish you peace and joy, knowing that each of you have your own journeys that are filled with different kinds of challenges and struggles.

All of you have helped me more than I’m able to describe in black-and-white on a screen. Thank you. I’m so grateful you are with me as we enter 2014 with arms linked.

Leave a comment


  1. Enjoy your trip, sounds amazing:).

  2. Merry Christmas!!

  3. Merry Christmas! XO

  4. Beautifully said. Merry Christmas xx

  5. Yes to all of this. Merry Christmas!

  6. Kali

     /  December 26, 2013

    Merry Christmas gorgeous! Thank you for all your support through this. I head home from my own Christmas with family today. May you receive as much as you give and more in 2014!


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
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    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
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    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
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    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
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    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
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    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
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    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
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    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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