Order in the house

Sage oil is warming, filling the apartment with its scent. I’m drinking lavender tea. This surface is clean and clear. Lines are straight, not askew. The dishes are all clean and put away. Every item of my clothing is washed, dried, folded. Fresh linens on the bed. Every kitchen and bathroom cabinet has been weeded through, ordered, cleaned. Every piece of paper in the home office has been looked at, filed, or discarded. All new labels on the binders. Junky binders and folders discarded. My closet completely reorganized, and warm-weather clothing stored. Under the bed, no dust, no socks, no debris. Every houseplant watered and fed and pruned and dusted. The garbage taken out and the garbage can scoured. 15 bags of paper recycling recycled. Moved the big soft square pillows that once adorned the bed to the living room couch, where DH is curled up and reading and waiting for me now.

I can only hope that order in the house will lead to some sort of order in mind, body, and soul.

I have not been thinking much. Not reflecting much. Just doing, doing, doing. I did not check an email or even get on the internet for three whole days. Decluttering and detoxing all around.

There are still a few things left to do tomorrow, on the organization front. But tomorrow I will also reintroduce myself to my beloved yoga mat. And maybe—who knows?—even try to go for a run. I think I might be strong enough now. I have gained weight (it happens after every loss it seems) and I think firming up this abdomen, strengthening my core, will do good things for the rest of me.

Thanksgiving night was a bleak breakdown night, after spending the day with an amazing 8-year-old. She and I gravitated toward each other like magnets (it just happens!) and loved each other’s company—played games, talked school and cooking and gymnastics, played with her dogs. During the ride home, I felt her absence acutely and fell off into an abyss. Screamed at the top of my lungs when we got home and died a little. But the next day was my last day at work, and I sunk down deep into wrapping up my work and writing an instructional manual for my successor, as I’d promised all I would. Stayed an hour and a half late to complete it, then went out for celebratory sushi and sake with DH. And I noticed—hey—I was actually having a good time…

Then Saturday was better. Sunday a little better. Monday I think I did not sit down all day—literally—I was so in the thick of Operation Feng Shui Apartment. Tuesday there was a bit of a dip in mood, but today was better. I feel like I’m riding mini-waves on a surf board on more or less tame waters.

Now I’m going to go sink into my Inner Child Cards book and try to feed my soul a bit.

Not working—yes. I absolutely needed this. No windowless office, no oppressive supervisor. I kiss DH each night and thank him for taking care of us financially so I can have this time to heal. I am such a lucky woman. Better go over there and sit with him now.

Leave a comment


  1. I’m not working either but since we moved everything is chaos and I feel overwhelmed and when I’m overwhelmed I clam up and become an inanimate ball of anxiety (who obsessively stalks blogs and bakes). So…can you please also come organize my apartment??? XO

    • I hate that time after moving when everything is chaos! Have been there countless times. Torture. I feel for you. But I *would* like to come over and have you bake for me. Please. (: Have eaten three gluten-free chocolate cupcakes this week and they make me feel like all is right in the world. Hmm…maybe I’ll go get that fourth one in there…one can go for a run while licking buttercream frosting off one’s fingers…

      • Oh! Mmmmmm…GF chocolate cupcake…I’ve been craving a cupcake and I have a GF yellow cake mix and the stuff to make homemade cream cheese frosting…drool…must go bake now…

  2. So impressed. I could use some of that motivation at the moment. I can’t get my a** off the couch to do anything whatsoever :(. I definitely think having the order/cleanliness around you is helpful, so I hope your feeling tons better soon.

    • Kali

       /  December 5, 2013

      This is me now. I’m going to try to absorb some of the motivation and energy she gave her apartment this weekend, though.

    • Thank you RCL! I think I am actually feeling a little better. I think there’s time for couch, time for cleaning. Couchtime comes first…you stay there and snuggle up as long as you need to. Was there a second ago with a mug of wine in my hand and can’t promise I won’t go back. xxoo

  3. I also don’t work and LOVE it :) You have motivated me to do some cleaning and maybe a run tomorrow myself ;)

    • The run thing—eh, might’ve overshot it! I think I’ll wind up only going to yoga today. Run tomorrow. The wonderful thing about being home is that there is always tomorrow, and the day after that! I’m glad you are enjoying it, too.

  4. Danielle

     /  December 5, 2013

    Cleaning is my go to coping mechanism! I once washed all the first floor exterior windows of our house a few days after one miscarriage. I am so happy you are not working! You need this time! After another disaster meeting with HR and my boss, I am actively preparing for resignation. I can’t wait for that day!

    • Kali

       /  December 5, 2013

      I got a baby armoire when I first decided to TTC. I stripped and painted it then. Every miscarriage it seems to get another touch–stencil this here, there. . ..

    • Good for you. If it ain’t serving you, don’t serve it! I think the economic downturn terrified people, myself included, into thinking that we have to put up with anything. I’m so happy for you that you are actively preparing and I support you all the way. You need your time, too. In this week I’ve managed to heal more than in the previous three combined. (Of course the HCG is probably now all out of my system this week, which helps a sister out on that front, no doubt.)

  5. Wow. I can feel the energy from this post. The winds are blowing, whispering renewal for you. May this purging and cleaning lead to a fruitful resetting. May harmony be restored and nothing but good things come

  6. I’m also not working. It is amazing to have a wonderful husband that is willing to do that, isn’t it? I could use some of your motivation as well. I’m in such a funk lately.

    • It is amazing, yes! We’ve been talking about it a lot, actually. We both like this dynamic so much better (me at home, him working) and want to figure out how I can work from home eventually, or part-time in an office and part-time at home, so that I can maintain our household. All of the pregnancy loss aside, this set up works for us—I’m managing our finances, keeping order in the home, doing the grocery shopping, etc., and I have all of this energy to give him when he comes home. I guess he and I are somewhat old-fashioned in this way.

      I’m sorry you’re in a funk darlin. I’m sure I’ll be back there soon enough—-not to sound negative, but the motivation comes and goes.

      But I just saw your home improvements post! Doesn’t sound like you’re lacking in motivation at all (: Love those rainbows.

  7. Kali

     /  December 5, 2013

    I’m still in Trash TV mode, but I desperately want an uncluttered, Feng Shui living space as well. I’ve been working on it in spurts. . . you’re motivating me to give the weekend over to it! Healing happens in little bits. I never feel completely healed, just pockets of relief from the grief, then those pockets grow until they dominate my day.

    I agree with clwalchevill, I feel the energy from this post. I’m going to borrow some!

    • Trash TV can be the most healing medicine there is! I stand by that. Give me New Girl and a slice of pizza and a blanket—yes.

      I’m glad to give some motivation. Yeah, I experience healing much like you do, in spurts and fits…we have to be so patient, don’t we. Am with you.

  8. Congrats on your last day! From what I have read, that is worth celebrating!!

  9. We decided to put our house on the market earlier this year shortly after my m/c. I was also not working and the couch was burning a hole beneath me. Once I had to organize the house for showings, I became a cleaning fanatic as well as donating to good will everything I could find. My current house is a bit of a pit right now. I need to organize… Glad that crappy job is behind you and that healing is in process. Many hugs!

    • Thank you honey! Purging and cleaning and donating—yes. Gives a sense (perhaps false) of control. Some effort toward moving on. I’m glad the job is behind me too! xo

  10. Congratulations on the massive tidy! I hope it has brought a sense of outer peace that translates to some inner calm. I cannot imagine not working… I would love to have time to myself, to the house, to detox externally and internally. Alas, not for me at the moment but I’m doing what I can and my office does have a window and not a terrible view. I can see hawks… Sorry, back to your fabulous life of unscheduled time. Enjoy it while you can, I hope this is the first of many steps on your path to being mom of a living little bean.

  11. amy

     /  December 7, 2013

    Hi, I stumbled upon your blog and just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your multiple losses. Have you considered Traditional Chinese Medicine (acupuncture, herbs, etc.). If you can find an EXPERIENCED TCM practitioner who knows their stuff, it can really make a difference. In the meantime, please check out Randine Lewis’ book The Infertility Cure or even Julia Indichova’s book Inconceivable for inspiration to keep going. I am subscribing to your blog so I can see how you are doing. Also google “estrogen dominance” and see if you think it might have relevance in your life; estrogen dominance has torpedoed many a woman’s TTC efforts. HTH. Be in touch. Hugs to you

    • Hi, yes, I’ve read both of those books, and I was once really into acupuncture, which was great for relaxation and creative visualization. This past loss was our first try with donor egg, and I was on a gluten-free diet (gluten’s linked with mc), but I wasn’t doing much for relaxation. I’d like to get back into my yoga practice—it does wonders for me. Thanks for your support.


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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