I really need to lighten up / Operation Turnaround

I have been feeling so serious. Downtrodden, depressed, down on self, down on humanity, pressed-upon, oppressed, energy-zapped. …and so on. Not always, but often enough.  It has been difficult negotiating what I’m going through personally and relations with my boss, who is so stressed out right now. I have resentments toward her that are hard to let go of, even though it is totally in my best interest to just let go. I have tried shutting down around her, not interacting much, to protect myself from engaging in the toxic stress, but then I just end up feeling like an asshole. I’m going to try to end on a friendly note, but things have been strained during the past week. I don’t know how I’m going to turn it around sufficiently, but will try. I snapped at her on Friday. Sometimes when she talks to me I can literally feel the cortisol coursing through my body and definitely do feel acid jet-stream into my stomach.


So anyway. I want to be able to be lighter in spirit right now, a little bouncier, a little less gloomy, and a lot less resentful.

I’m focusing on the negative, which only tortures me.

I know what some of you might be thinking—don’t be hard on yourself. But I promise I’m not beating myself up. And I know there is a natural grieving process. I don’t want to avoid real feelings.

I just want to try not to perseverate, if possible. To let go a little, not just at work, but when it comes to my pregnancy loss. I’m getting worn out by my sad morning thoughts. Getting to that point at which all the sad-swirling thoughts and feelings are straining and draining me in a way that is annoying me.

It’s pretty interesting to get annoyed by sadness, isn’t it? When sadness starts to feel like a pesky younger sibling and you just want to shout: “Enough! Leave me alone!”

I’m also getting burnt out on the Coffee-Wine Express. Which kind of sucks. I wanted to ride it just a little bit longer! I deserve a season pass at least. But I’ve been having maybe half of a glass the past couple of evenings—I start to feel a little tipsy, and then I lose interest and lie on my heating pad and fall asleep. AM OLD.

Coffee is my real lover anyway, but even that is not giving me the kick I’m looking for. I have two cups a day, and I just feel…fine. That’s it. No euphoria rush. I can’t believe I now think that drinking two cups a day is living the life of a madwoman.

And so—Operation Turnaround must move into a new phase, I think, pretty soon. The phase I am currently in is yoga-less, for one thing, which is never a good idea.

Small steps toward health. That’s all I can expect. I say to self now: Use your sense of humor today. Don’t perseverate on what pisses you off and what saddens you. Try not to be too bleak during your lunch break—maybe go for a walk instead of crashing in your car. Smile even if you don’t feel like it. Breathe, and love breathing. Try to remember that being alive is the strangest and most hilarious and beautiful thing there is and that ultimately, you believe that this is a benevolent universe. Don’t smirk. You do.

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  1. dogsarentkids

     /  November 15, 2013

    Downtrodden.. great word. As far as the rest, your positivity and enlightenment makes me feel uncomfortable.

  2. Sarah

     /  November 15, 2013

    Yoga was definitely my turn around! I started with the meditation/restorative classes, which really helped with my state of mind. I had not done much yoga before dealing with infertility/loss, and was taken back by the positive impact it had for me. It was like therapy & a great work out all at once. By you even acknowledging this, sounds as if your operation is well underway! Just remember to focus on the goodness… with a relationship/husband like you have, I know you must feel incredibly lucky! :)


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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