I really need to lighten up / Operation Turnaround

I have been feeling so serious. Downtrodden, depressed, down on self, down on humanity, pressed-upon, oppressed, energy-zapped. …and so on. Not always, but often enough.  It has been difficult negotiating what I’m going through personally and relations with my boss, who is so stressed out right now. I have resentments toward her that are hard to let go of, even though it is totally in my best interest to just let go. I have tried shutting down around her, not interacting much, to protect myself from engaging in the toxic stress, but then I just end up feeling like an asshole. I’m going to try to end on a friendly note, but things have been strained during the past week. I don’t know how I’m going to turn it around sufficiently, but will try. I snapped at her on Friday. Sometimes when she talks to me I can literally feel the cortisol coursing through my body and definitely do feel acid jet-stream into my stomach.

Yay!

So anyway. I want to be able to be lighter in spirit right now, a little bouncier, a little less gloomy, and a lot less resentful.

I’m focusing on the negative, which only tortures me.

I know what some of you might be thinking—don’t be hard on yourself. But I promise I’m not beating myself up. And I know there is a natural grieving process. I don’t want to avoid real feelings.

I just want to try not to perseverate, if possible. To let go a little, not just at work, but when it comes to my pregnancy loss. I’m getting worn out by my sad morning thoughts. Getting to that point at which all the sad-swirling thoughts and feelings are straining and draining me in a way that is annoying me.

It’s pretty interesting to get annoyed by sadness, isn’t it? When sadness starts to feel like a pesky younger sibling and you just want to shout: “Enough! Leave me alone!”

I’m also getting burnt out on the Coffee-Wine Express. Which kind of sucks. I wanted to ride it just a little bit longer! I deserve a season pass at least. But I’ve been having maybe half of a glass the past couple of evenings—I start to feel a little tipsy, and then I lose interest and lie on my heating pad and fall asleep. AM OLD.

Coffee is my real lover anyway, but even that is not giving me the kick I’m looking for. I have two cups a day, and I just feel…fine. That’s it. No euphoria rush. I can’t believe I now think that drinking two cups a day is living the life of a madwoman.

And so—Operation Turnaround must move into a new phase, I think, pretty soon. The phase I am currently in is yoga-less, for one thing, which is never a good idea.

Small steps toward health. That’s all I can expect. I say to self now: Use your sense of humor today. Don’t perseverate on what pisses you off and what saddens you. Try not to be too bleak during your lunch break—maybe go for a walk instead of crashing in your car. Smile even if you don’t feel like it. Breathe, and love breathing. Try to remember that being alive is the strangest and most hilarious and beautiful thing there is and that ultimately, you believe that this is a benevolent universe. Don’t smirk. You do.

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2 Comments

  1. dogsarentkids

     /  November 15, 2013

    Downtrodden.. great word. As far as the rest, your positivity and enlightenment makes me feel uncomfortable.

    Reply
  2. Sarah

     /  November 15, 2013

    Yoga was definitely my turn around! I started with the meditation/restorative classes, which really helped with my state of mind. I had not done much yoga before dealing with infertility/loss, and was taken back by the positive impact it had for me. It was like therapy & a great work out all at once. By you even acknowledging this, sounds as if your operation is well underway! Just remember to focus on the goodness… with a relationship/husband like you have, I know you must feel incredibly lucky! :)

    Reply

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