DH’s young fertile new colleague, and other things

My husband has a new colleague, a young, unmarried woman who just moved to the island and has no friends here, who was born in a country where the women are generally gorgeous, and who is most likely very capable of producing babies, my husband’s babies, should he happen to have sex with her. What’s really great about their working relationship is that they do home-based care, so for a few weeks, every single day, she is going to ride in the car with him everywhere, see patients all day long with him, hash out each case with him, have lunch with exclusively him every day while they are out there on the road, and, who knows, maybe have a lil bit-a young fertile woman sex with him in that small, intimate company car. They will have gorgeous Greek-Korean babies! And they will be so interested in talking to each other about their mutual work, even while raising a family together. It will be so awesome for DH to find out what it’s like to go to an ultrasound appointment with a woman who doesn’t have PTSD re: stirrups. “What, no bleary-eyed crying and shakiness so severe you can barely get up on the table? Woo hoo!” And I can’t wait for him to experience the joy of hearing “Everything looks great!” from the doctor, while holding her hand, looking at the screen, both of them crying not tears of anguish but tears of joy …

Okay. I don’t actually go that far when my mind spins like a wicked little top, but it goes far enough, and then I laugh at myself. Ha ha ha.

I realize that there is something primal going on here. I have just had a miscarriage, and if I were an animal in the wild, my procreation-driven mate would leave me in the dust for that attractive ten-years-younger chic. My DH would never, ever, ever, of course. I know that. But there must be some instinct coming out right now that just doesn’t want him to spend every hour of his workday with a young, fertile woman.

Oh MAN. You won’t believe what just happened. I was looking up “jealous female chimp” in google, because I was wondering how our closest primate relative is inspired to jealousy, and I was going to write about it next in this post. But then DH came over to say goodbye before leaving for work. While he was hugging me, he saw my “jealous female chimp” google page and said: “Why are you looking that up?”

I paused. I considered telling a white lie. Then I said, “Because I am jealous of the young fertile woman you’re going to ride around in a car with every day, who could so easily have your babies.”

I have maybe never seen him look so surprised and confused. And then my DH, who rarely cries, burst into tears and literally collapsed in my arms. He cried for quite a while. He was all big in my arms, in his big crinkly winter coat. “No, no, no,” he said. “My baby. My sweetheart.” And then I was crying and saying: “I know, baybo, I know. It’s just a primal reaction. I’m happy for you, I really am, that you’ve made a friend.” And he said: “I know you are.”

“It’ll pass, it’s not that strong—I’m more just curious about my reaction than anything,” I said.

And he said, “I love you. No, I’m not—”

I said, “I know, I really do. I love you too.” We were whispering. I whispered: “It’s just that sometimes I think about how life could be easier for you.”

“No, no, no. You are my baby. I love being with you. I love spending my life with you.”

He didn’t want to let go of me. He looked truly pained. I said: “Well, you’ve just absolutely ruined this snarky, witty little post I was cooking up here, thanks a lot.”

We laughed.

Before he went through the front door, we said our mushy goodbyes, and I said, “Have a great day—just don’t have sex with her.”

He held up one finger with a quizzical expression and said: “Um, wait. No sex?”

It doesn’t help that he and I have not had sex for months now. I was scared to after the transfer, and then during the wobbly first weeks of pregnancy, and then of course it has been off the table while I’ve recovered from the D & C. Our genitals are creaky, rusty machines at this point. We have been more snuggle-buddies than anything. We eat dinner on the couch while watching television, and then we share bowls of tortilla chips, or ice cream, or cookies, or anything comforting at all we can get our hands on.

But my energy is coming back. Yesterday, at work, I happened to go outside during the most extraordinary sunset. The sky was pure gold, fading to pink, and then a stark line and sky that was psychedelic electric blue. And streaming through it all, in technicolor, was the giant, glorious arc of a rainbow. I did not have my camera, which is a good thing, because I ended up fully immersing myself in the amazingness of what I was seeing. My energy, which has been better, kicked into higher gear, and I started running, actually running, in my black zip-up boots, down the parking lot, around the church, around the grounds. I didn’t care who saw me. I had not wanted to run in so long, and I wasn’t going to pass up the impulse. So there I was, one crazy lady running under that dreamscape of a sky. Incredible.

Then I came back inside and several people I talked to on the units told me that they are actively looking for new jobs, too, or have already found new jobs. That place! It’s just too stressful.

Then we went to my OB appointment and found out that my cervix is closed, and I am all normal. No results yet from the embryonic tissue testing. Of course. But I reminded myself and DH: We are moving in slow time. We’ll have to wait.

One thing I have been thinking about a lot in recent days is how I do not often feel at odds with my good body. I mean, sometimes in the immediate aftermath of loss, I feel defective. But for the most part, I actually feel fertile. I feel that my body does everything that it is supposed to do—it ovulates regularly, it builds up a nice, thick lining. During the past two days, my “girls” as I like to call them have been waking up and one is, I think, trying to send another egg down the tube. I know it sounds odd, after all I’ve been through, but I really appreciate that. Thank you, body, for continuing to amaze me with your absolutely badass resilience. You just keep going no matter what.

My level of confidence after this loss, despite the jealousy I’m feeling over DH’s new colleague, is much higher than it has been after previous losses. The negative voices are being drowned out by the positive voices.

The positive voices are shouting in the face of the negative ones: You are strong. You are interesting. You are valuable. You are loved. This experience does not define YOU. You are so much more than all of this. A writer, an artist, a singer, a musician. A loyal friend. A great listener. A help to your family. A help to people in need. A committed and nurturing and fun-as-hell wife. Your life has been adventurous. You have so much to offer the world. This experience, these losses, are nothing compared to the mountain of YOU.

I  don’t know where exactly all of that is coming from, but I’m not going to question it or fight it. Come on in.

So when I feel this jealousy over my husband’s new colleague, I know that it will be short-lived. I am also—really!—happy for him, because he has felt very isolated out here and has not made friends. This woman sounds like someone he can really jibe with, and he hasn’t had that for a year now. The three of us will probably go out to dinner soon, actually.

Damn. So much for my snarky, witty post…

Universe keeps thwarting me. Like for example this past weekend when I threw my ceramic Daruma figurine against the window and neither it nor the window broke. Thanks a lot, Universe.

Okay, no really—thank you.

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20 Comments

  1. Wow hun, I would have had the same reaction as you if I learned that the Hubs was working with some babe in an intimate environment like that. I’m kinda glad he came over and saw you googling up jealous female chimps (freaking hysterical BTW) because now you are both open about this raw emotion you are experiencing. He is obviously so affected by your loss too, bless him for his emotional outpouring.
    I am so impressed by your mindfulness girlfriend! You are so thoughtful and aware of how you are doing. Embracing the good moments. I love it. Keep it up. You are an inspiration. I wish I could keep you in my pocket to remind me to do that too. Well, I guess I do kind of keep you in my pocket! But that reminds me to ask you, do you have a twitter account? Wondering because only recently I got onto it after talking about it with a fellow blogger and have found it so supportive and helpful and warm and so…immediate. I would love to be able to hear/see more of you day to day so thought I would see if you actually on there already.
    I was just about to start watching that BBC link I posted on RPL yesterday but after about 30 seconds I had to turn it off because I couldn’t see anything through the blur of salty tears. Still got a long way to go I guess! Sending you love xx

    Reply
    • Ha! I know. Jealous female chimp. Nice. Bless him, yes! He is deserving of constant blessings. You inspire me too! I do not have a twitter account and have in fact never tweeted. I don’t know how that works… Such a Luddite, even though I have this blog. Maybe I’ll give you a shout via email about that—be on the lookout for an email from TUT072012@GMAIL.COM

      I couldn’t watch your BBC link either, to be honest. I started. Oh honey. Salty tears. Love to you.

      Reply
  2. I absolutely love and relate to this post. Thank you my dear.

    Reply
  3. newtoivf

     /  November 8, 2013

    Love that you have some positivity coming back. And how sweet your DH is! Xx

    Reply
  4. Your description of your interaction with your husband brought tears to my eyes! I hate that infertility/miscarriage makes us feel so inadequate at times. I’m glad your husband was there to remind you of how he feels. I’d be jealous of my guy spending all that time with a hot young thing too!
    I’m glad the positivity is outshining the sadness right now. You are certainly a strong woman!

    Reply
    • Oh, that’s sweet, yes, brings tears to my eyes too! I try to be strong—Sometimes feel am just muscling my way through by sheer will power. Gotta take advantage of positive feelings when they come. xoxo

      Reply
  5. Awwww…. I am crying over here! What a sweet, good husband you have! Hugs to you both.

    Reply
  6. Your husband sounds fab. Try not to worry about feeling jealous. I too am a jealous female chimp and am sure it’s very normal.

    Reply
  7. I has a similar experience right after my miscarriage. My husband had a work trip two days after my miscarriage and I started worrying he was going to click with one of his fertile coworkers and…. If you knew my husband you would know how ridiculous this sounds. Much like your husband I am sure. It was the hormones. They over took any rationality I had. We too, have not had sex in months. We started off our pregnancy on crinone fresh off a previous miscarriage. So we were scared to death and totally grossed out at the same time. Then there was the bleeding, now the hemorrhoids. Really? Hope it ends soon! It’s so calming to know I am not alone in my crazy feelings. Xoxo hope you feel better soon and I’m sure meeting the lady will help.

    Reply
  8. “Thank you, body, for continuing to amaze me with your absolutely badass resilience. You just keep going no matter what.”
    Ditto. Praise the body that is beaten down over and over again but still has great aspirations to perform at it’s best.
    And obviously YOU know how precious he is, but I’ll point out that your husband really is a gem. XO

    Reply
  9. Oh I’ve felt like this on numerous occasions. It is a natural reaction. Your husband is so sweet though.

    Reply
  10. You almost made me cry. I’m new to your blog and I appreciate your honesty!

    Reply

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