She says cautiously: I feel a little better (?)

This morning I woke up and did not feel a million-pounds heavy in the bed and want to close my eyes and sleep forever.

Last night, I drank a large glass of red wine and went over to the stereo and stood with my head inches from the speakers. I created a little mix on Spotify I entitled “Songs I want to hear right now,” and just started adding song to it without thinking, guided only by what felt good to listen to, what made me dance and move. I haven’t danced in approximately 1,000 years, it feels like. I danced hard. Liz Phair, The Kinks, David Bowie, Ike and Tina Turner, Hedwing and the Angry Inch, Bob Marley & the Wailers, The Doors, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Hall & Oates, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles. Then I listened to M. Ward. Aimee Mann. Fiona Apple. Then I came back to The Beatles, and that masterpiece of theirs “It’s All Too Much.”

It’s all too much/ for me to take

The love that’s shining all around you.

Hmm. That felt about right. DH kept asking me to turn it down, and I kept ignoring him. I think I danced some poison out of my weary soul. Because I was able to sleep pretty good. I had a lot of sex dreams. And I woke up with a rather good attitude. Hmm.

We’ll see if it lasts, but I will do my best to hang onto a gift when it comes my way. Because I seriously reached a scary nadir place this past weekend, and I do not want—no, I will not go there again.

I wrote to a commenter something that I want to share in this post. I have been thinking about slow time. I feel that I am inside slow time, and have been for three years. A kind of vortex. When I fight the vortex, I torture myself. If I can just get down with the vortex. If I can just shake hands with slow time. If I can slow things down to moment by moment, then I won’t be in so much pain. Stop torturing myself with how long it has taken to get to this point, and still no baby, no family. Stop torturing myself with thoughts of all of the holidays and relationships and rituals and rites of passage I have missed. Stop torturing myself with thoughts about my gray hair and changing body and face and time, time, time, life, life, life, passing me by as I scream and cry out for normal human development, a normal life, in normal time. I am not in normal time. I am in slow time.  Even if I can manage to stop fighting slow time for a little while, even if I can spend just one afternoon a week living moment by moment instead of projecting into the past and the future, that will be fine—I just want some brief reprieves from the pain, at this point.

Another thing I’m noticing is that anger is easier than depression and scream-crying. When I get mad, when I want to hit something, I am owning my warrior self. I do not feel like a victim. When I am depressed, nearly immobile, and scream-crying (and bleeding), I go to that scary nadir place. Anger is easier, anger is better. And as for the depression, coffee and wine tame depression, that bringer of the scary nadir. This is how I am managing—taming depression with substances, and owning my warrior self, urging her along.

But I don’t feel angry right now. I actually feel, for the first time in weeks, like exercising. I feel blob-like gross, and I want to get my body back. Maybe the transformation is trying to happen, maybe health is on the way…

In slow time.

That’s okay. A warrior can move in slow time. A warrior can do anything.

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13 Comments

  1. SG

     /  November 6, 2013

    I was just thinking of you when this blog appeared in my email! Nice music choices! I especially love Liz Phair, Ike & Tina, Hall & Oates (they never fail to lift me up,) and Bob Marley. Glad you had some nice sex dreams and are feeling a little better. Slow and steady wins the race. xo

    Reply
  2. glad you’re starting to see the light xx

    Reply
  3. Wow… you write so well! You’ve done such a brilliant job of describing what I feel most often and so darn eloquently! Love the ‘slow time/ vortex’ reference. So true!

    Reply
    • Oh, thank you so much for the compliments! I’m so glad it resonates. I’ll have to go on over there to your blog and check out your story.

      Reply
  4. And a warrior you are. Glad to hear you are doing better and on your own time. xoxo

    Reply
  5. Happy for you for feeling better. :)

    Reply
  6. The slow time reference is awesome. It really capture the other universe we live in. I’m glad you danced. I thought the woman who told me to do that last February was crazy until I found myself actually singing to some song. Somehow singing makes you feel like you are alive instead of this dead state we can’t otherwise escape. I hope the good days start to outnumber the bad days.

    Reply
  7. Okay, on a lighter note, your playlist is turning me on ;)

    Reply
  8. You are an super-amazing warrior woman. Go with the flow. I love to hear the changes in your tone. This is really really hopeful. Your resilience is remarkable. Big hug lovely xx

    Reply

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