Pittsburgh love/ Our relationship rocks

I don’t understand how DH and I manage to make each other laugh like we do, no matter the circumstance, no matter what we’ve just gone through—what in the hell is this crazy love?? Seriously! What? How? Who is this magical person? Is he some sort of alien from a more evolved planet? And how did he get so freaking funny?

Yesterday, at the Mattress Factory, he made me laugh so hard I literally fell to the floor of the museum. This is not an expression. I buckled to my knees, pressed my hands to the floorboards, and laughed without breath, tears streaming.

Love this guy. LOVE HIM. I want to kiss his face off.

To give myself credit, I’ve made him pause with hysterics a few times myself. Our comedic timing with each other is one of the indescribably lucky things about our relationship—we get each other, like a couple of eight-year-olds in the school yard, but with much more, eh, adult minds. We’re bad. We go there. We do not hold back. And then sometimes we are simply ridiculous goofballs in our own world, doing slap-stick.

It has been remarkably healing just to spend time with him in this new city, laughing.

And falling in love with Pittsburgh. Hard. Holy moly! This place amazing! I had no idea. It’s gorgeous! Have you been? Are you as blown away by it as I am? The Strip! The food! The gorgeous urban decay! The bridges! And the autumnal hills all around. The interesting little side streets. The ivy. The antiques. The neighborhoods like a bunch of tiny towns from another era. We are staying at The Parador, which is maybe my favorite bed & breakfast ever. We have the entire top floor! With stained glass windows, a fireplace roaring away—it is lush. I am eating whatever I want, including pancakes. Including steak tartar (ahhhhh, yummmmm) at a ridiculous-amazing restaurant called Cure

Today we are fully exploring the entire city, but even from what little I’ve seen already, I feel at home. I think this is it, guys. I think this will be our next home. I miss the Midwest! Long Island sucks!

Bring me back home.

At a coffee shop, I was making a rather dark joke about myself and a drawing on a wall and how it reminded me of who I am, a miserable, barren, childless, baggy-eyed, male—“might as well be male,” I said, all in good, dark fun, joking further that I am like kryptonite to children, they can’t even come near me without… when a small girl, maybe three, in pigtails came up to me with a candy bar. She was wearing mint-green scrubs with the words “doctor in training” ironed on the back. She was giving away her early Halloween candy. I have maybe never seen a little girl as cute as this. She smiled at me with such beauty and gentleness and unguarded delight. My heart opened right up back to her. I didn’t feel sad, for some reason. I didn’t feel cut off from her. I felt that she had come around to say, “No, you’re not all those dark things you say,” and to connect with me. I just felt in that moment that nothing is over. That we will be parents. I will have a child. I will feel that love and delight and connection with my child. She was just a little love sprite coming around to remind me.

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  1. Beautiful. I can feel you smiling as I read this and it makes me happy. Love that you are seeing humour, beauty and joy in the little and big things in life right now. Keep it up, this is so great xx

  2. Mrs. McIrish

     /  October 28, 2013

    Happy to read that you seem to be doing better!

  3. Becky

     /  January 6, 2014

    Hope you don’t mind but I was reading McIrish’s blog and clicked on yours and saw your post on Pittsburgh…lol. From there and so glad you enjoyed your stay!! Also I am very sorry for what you are going through. {{hugs}}


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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