Depressed, depleted, dispirited

Yesterday was a distant day. I walked around and did things but spiritlessly. I went to that beautiful park and buried an orchid in honor of  little star by a shallow stream and covered it with eight rocks. But I didn’t feel much as I was doing it. I looked at the swans in the lake—more like stared without seeing. I ate a pumpkin butter and almond butter sandwich and said “This is good” but really didn’t care. I’m not caring about much. I broke down and cried a little as I did the dinner dishes but then the numbness came back in and mopped that all up. I am having the same dispirited feeling today. I cramped and bled quite a bit last night. I had a dream I was swimming in ice cold water with a polar bear, and I woke up in a pool of icy sweat, cramping. My eyes are dull when I look at myself in the mirror. Almost nothing is funny or makes me smile. I don’t want to go to work. But I also don’t want to stay here. Everything is quiet. I have no desire to put on music. I feel weird about my body—it is very soft and flabby right now, breasts droopy, stomach still huge. All this and no baby. Just another insane roller coaster for my body to go through with no baby at the end.

I am sick to death of tsunamic changes followed by drudging recovery. A cycle I’ve lived through six times now.

I will be forty in January. I feel like life is just flying by, my life energy flying out of me, being expended on this. 

I know I have to go through this. I have to. I know. I’ll feel better someday. But it just does not feel like I ever will right now.

Leave a comment


  1. I’m sorry, I know this feeling well, it sucks :(. It does get better, as I’m sure you know, but it doesn’t make it easier now. Thinking of you.

  2. SG

     /  October 23, 2013

    You are feeling as you should feel I would think. Don’t fight it, don’t expect more or less, just be gentle with yourself my friend. ♥

    • i hate everything right now—that just keeps coming up, but i know it’s not true. toxins of the world are in me. but that’s not true either. it’s all exaggerated and distorted. i’m trying not to fight it, but it hurts! thank you for reminding me to be gentle. i don’t know what to do with the rage.

  3. Sending so much love your way. I know how incredibly hard these moments are. xoxo

  4. You are going through hard, hard things. I hope you are being kind to yourself in whatever ways you can manage. Eat well, sleep when you can, exercise when you are ready. When I’ve had failures, I’ve healed through these things, but everyone needs different love in tough times. Good luck, my friend. I am holding you in the light.

  5. Melana Kopman

     /  October 23, 2013

    This is impossibly difficult. You just have to let yourself feel whatever you feel and go through whatever stages of grief and sadness that pass through you. This will take as long as it takes. I hope that sooner rather than later you spirit begins to lift and the pain passes.

  6. Thinking of you..

  7. I know how horrible you feel. Nothing seems to make it better. I’m praying that time will heal your heart. Be kind to yourself. Take the time and space you need to heal. big hugs being sent your way!!

  8. Sunetra

     /  October 23, 2013

    Sending you love and strength to get through this very difficult time.

  9. Hello,
    Is there an email account associated with your blog? I looked for contact info on your page but could not find it. Wanted to email you my support – feel free to email me though. Hugs, Heather

  10. Oh lovely, this is so hard. Time is standing still but flying past at the same time. I know that empty feeling, when nothing makes you smile, nothing feels right. Wishing I could make it better for you. Sending you strength. Big hug xx

  11. Amanda

     /  October 23, 2013

    Thinking of you.

  12. Mrs. McIrish

     /  October 23, 2013

    I don’t think I really left the couch last February for a week after my m/c from DE2. Feeling nothing or empty is to be expected here.. You just have to get through these days. No need to accomplish anything or be cheerful. One thing I remember is another woman said to play music even if you don’t want to..Somehow it does help. I was skeptical but it was true. Hugs((()))

    • I’ve taken your advice. Jazz is on right now. I could care less about it because I am feeling so blasted right now, but it’s on, and it makes the house less quiet, which is good. keeps the flow going. xo

  13. I am so sorry. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

  14. JK

     /  October 24, 2013

    I have been quietly following your blog for several months now as I have been walking my own DE journey.
    I have been thinking of you all week and sending good thoughts your way. Through your blog I have come to see the intelligent, determined person that you are, and I know you and your doctors will figure this out. It’s just a matter of time. I really hope that time is soon.

    • I do, too. I can’t imagine ever being outside of this, right now. Thank you for the kind things you say about me. I feel like pure emotion right now, and it’s good to be reminded that I am more than that, and have capacities to pull through.

  15. Jenny

     /  October 24, 2013

    I have been watching your blog for some time now and this is the first time that I’ve written. What you are feeling is so real, so difficult, and so personal. We were there after our fifth miscarriage…just numbness, emptiness, hopelessness. It is so incredibly difficult. While you can’t force yourself there, please do take heart in messages that there will be days in your future that don’t feel quite so bad. Huge hugs. And a personal please to contact one of those few clinics that follow immune treatments…they gave me two boys a mere year after I felt similar to you now. I had personally given up at 39 but my husband had one more hurrah left in him. Thank goodness I let him lead me. Be kind to yourself and your body. (Reiki was also calming to forgive my body for “what I felt” was betraying me). I’m so terribly sorry.

    • I’m so sorry you went through all of that loss. Thank you for your kind words. It’s just too much to bear right now. I want to sleep forever!

  16. Nina

     /  October 24, 2013

    I have been thinking of you all week. This is a very difficult time for you and your DH but believe in your baby, it will be under your heart again. Big hug xxx


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
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    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
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    Gluten-free diet
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    Therapy/energy work
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    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
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    40 mg Lovenox
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    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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