Heart is still beating! 20% chance little star will live

I am shocked, but the heart is still beating.

After that terrible, terrible night of shooting pains and torrents of sweat, I felt in my bones that I’d lost her. And then having a complete loss of every single symptom—and I had a laundry list of symptoms a mile long!—I felt certain it was over. But it’s not over. Little star’s heart is still beating, as of 7 p.m. tonight at my new OB. It was 120 on Monday, and it is 121 today, on Thursday— so it is basically hovering at the same level. It is measuring 6 weeks 4 days today, was measuring 6 weeks 3 days on Monday. So there was a tiny increase, but the doctor says, considering the imprecision and variability of equipment, we can say that it is more or less hovering at the same stage of growth that it was at on Monday, and that it was at 10 days ago. If we are generous, we can say that it has grown 3 or 4 days in about 10 days time. His RE colleague, whom he consulted with on the phone while we were there, gave little star a 20% chance of survival.

But her little heart is still beating. I just can’t believe it. I feel terrible for feeling so sure that she was gone when she was still here with me all along. I’ve apologized profusely since; I think she forgives me. Maybe she is giving me another chance…

I know things still sound pretty bleak—I hate that 20% figure—but I now see a little tiny strip of sand surfacing in the stormy waters where I can stand and catch my breath and send out my rays of love.

It’s not over. Maybe this is just a pause on the way to the inevitable, but for now, I’m just going to focus on the still-beating heart.

I am shocked. Humbled. Sheepish. Grateful. Whatever comes next, I am so glad to have this time with her (or him). I missed her so much!!! Even if it is only for a little while longer, I am so deeply grateful.

More soon in response to your amazing, heartfelt, loving, informative, fortifying comments. We’re exhausted and are going to sleep deep tonight.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

16 Comments

  1. It’s not over. I am SO relieved to hear this. I was waiting on edge all night and am so glad that you got some answers and can have some well deserved rest tonight. Wonderful attitude and we will be here for you no matter the outcome. Take care my far away friend. Sweet dreams.

    Reply
  2. Amanda

     /  October 11, 2013

    There’s hope!! One day at a time. During my high risk, twin pregnancy (after a long battle with IF) two years ago, my mantra for each and every day was *Today I am pregnant, and I love my babies.* I never knew what tomorrow would hold, but I got by each day reminding myself for that moment I was pregnant and loved my babies.

    Reply
  3. Kali

     /  October 11, 2013

    Thank God. I am also so relieved to hear this. I checked back before going to bed. You and little star are in my prayers.

    Reply
  4. Hang on to that hope… 20% is something to hold fast to! I love the “Today I am pregnant” mantra… each day is all you have. I hope you have a slew of tomorrows with little star, but for now hang on to today. I am so sorry everything has to be so very hard. :(

    Reply
  5. Melana

     /  October 11, 2013

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 20% is definitely something positive. I will keep you in my prayers!

    Reply
  6. Mrs. McIrish

     /  October 11, 2013

    Keep fighting little star!! Hoping you beat the odds to meet your family:-)

    Reply
  7. lisa

     /  October 11, 2013

    This is wonderful. Hold tight to your dream, and little star, too.

    Reply
  8. Sending you buckets of goodwill.

    Reply
  9. Sleep so so deep, dear friend.

    Reply
  10. Hope!!! Now is the time to dream about your budding little oak tree. Strong roots, quickening growth, flourishing branches. This is something to believe in. She’s something to believe in. She’s telling you so. Live in this moment, take each one as it comes. You are doing SO well hun. Holding your hand xx

    Reply
  11. There is hope! Hang on to it and get some rest!

    Reply
  12. With you. So glad you got this bit of good news. Rooting for the 20% over here!

    Reply
  13. Happy to hear there is hope again. Is there a plan for following up, or more a wait and see approach? I hope you got some good healing sleep, for both you and little star.

    Reply
  14. Keep shining, little star. Sending so much love out to you and your family. Be well.

    Reply
  15. So relieved to hear this. Hang in there, little one!!!

    Reply
  16. Oh my goodness. I’m just reading through your blog. Your cycle numbers at CCRM match mine exactly except that I don’t know the results of CCS testing yet as I banked my embies. I’m rooting so hard that your little angel hangs on and makes it to a take home baby. I hate thinking about the odds because they always seem so daunting. But miracles do happen and I hope that it happens for you!

    Reply

Leave a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: