Heart is still beating! 20% chance little star will live

I am shocked, but the heart is still beating.

After that terrible, terrible night of shooting pains and torrents of sweat, I felt in my bones that I’d lost her. And then having a complete loss of every single symptom—and I had a laundry list of symptoms a mile long!—I felt certain it was over. But it’s not over. Little star’s heart is still beating, as of 7 p.m. tonight at my new OB. It was 120 on Monday, and it is 121 today, on Thursday— so it is basically hovering at the same level. It is measuring 6 weeks 4 days today, was measuring 6 weeks 3 days on Monday. So there was a tiny increase, but the doctor says, considering the imprecision and variability of equipment, we can say that it is more or less hovering at the same stage of growth that it was at on Monday, and that it was at 10 days ago. If we are generous, we can say that it has grown 3 or 4 days in about 10 days time. His RE colleague, whom he consulted with on the phone while we were there, gave little star a 20% chance of survival.

But her little heart is still beating. I just can’t believe it. I feel terrible for feeling so sure that she was gone when she was still here with me all along. I’ve apologized profusely since; I think she forgives me. Maybe she is giving me another chance…

I know things still sound pretty bleak—I hate that 20% figure—but I now see a little tiny strip of sand surfacing in the stormy waters where I can stand and catch my breath and send out my rays of love.

It’s not over. Maybe this is just a pause on the way to the inevitable, but for now, I’m just going to focus on the still-beating heart.

I am shocked. Humbled. Sheepish. Grateful. Whatever comes next, I am so glad to have this time with her (or him). I missed her so much!!! Even if it is only for a little while longer, I am so deeply grateful.

More soon in response to your amazing, heartfelt, loving, informative, fortifying comments. We’re exhausted and are going to sleep deep tonight.

Leave a comment


  1. It’s not over. I am SO relieved to hear this. I was waiting on edge all night and am so glad that you got some answers and can have some well deserved rest tonight. Wonderful attitude and we will be here for you no matter the outcome. Take care my far away friend. Sweet dreams.

  2. Amanda

     /  October 11, 2013

    There’s hope!! One day at a time. During my high risk, twin pregnancy (after a long battle with IF) two years ago, my mantra for each and every day was *Today I am pregnant, and I love my babies.* I never knew what tomorrow would hold, but I got by each day reminding myself for that moment I was pregnant and loved my babies.

  3. Kali

     /  October 11, 2013

    Thank God. I am also so relieved to hear this. I checked back before going to bed. You and little star are in my prayers.

  4. Hang on to that hope… 20% is something to hold fast to! I love the “Today I am pregnant” mantra… each day is all you have. I hope you have a slew of tomorrows with little star, but for now hang on to today. I am so sorry everything has to be so very hard. :(

  5. Melana

     /  October 11, 2013

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 20% is definitely something positive. I will keep you in my prayers!

  6. Mrs. McIrish

     /  October 11, 2013

    Keep fighting little star!! Hoping you beat the odds to meet your family:-)

  7. lisa

     /  October 11, 2013

    This is wonderful. Hold tight to your dream, and little star, too.

  8. Sending you buckets of goodwill.

  9. Sleep so so deep, dear friend.

  10. Hope!!! Now is the time to dream about your budding little oak tree. Strong roots, quickening growth, flourishing branches. This is something to believe in. She’s something to believe in. She’s telling you so. Live in this moment, take each one as it comes. You are doing SO well hun. Holding your hand xx

  11. There is hope! Hang on to it and get some rest!

  12. With you. So glad you got this bit of good news. Rooting for the 20% over here!

  13. Happy to hear there is hope again. Is there a plan for following up, or more a wait and see approach? I hope you got some good healing sleep, for both you and little star.

  14. Keep shining, little star. Sending so much love out to you and your family. Be well.

  15. So relieved to hear this. Hang in there, little one!!!

  16. Oh my goodness. I’m just reading through your blog. Your cycle numbers at CCRM match mine exactly except that I don’t know the results of CCS testing yet as I banked my embies. I’m rooting so hard that your little angel hangs on and makes it to a take home baby. I hate thinking about the odds because they always seem so daunting. But miracles do happen and I hope that it happens for you!


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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