I’m pretty sure baby died last night

Oh my god you guys, I think I lost her last night. I had pains at 3 in the morning—not severe at all, but enough to wake me up, shooting pains that were mild to moderate and intermittent —and I was sweating like crazy and I just felt like something was happening. No cramping, no blood. But I know something happened. Complete loss of all symptoms. Yesterday I was still feeling hungry. Today every last symptom has just vanished completely. It’s so strange how different I feel, the presence is gone. I’m supposed to go to work now and am sobbing. How am I supposed to deal with this? How? I don’t understand. I don’t understand what is happening to me, to my life. DH came to be with me in the night, gave me Tylenol for the pains, Benadryl to help me sleep. He never cries but he sobbed, his body wracking. It was the saddest thing in the universe. Please help me. I feel like I am really not okay.



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  1. This post made my heart hurt for you in so many ways. I wish there was something uplifting I could say that would help. Just know I’m thinking about you all the time and sending you so much love. Not sure that today, you have to be okay. Just take care of yourself. xoxo

  2. LH

     /  October 9, 2013

    My heart hurts for you because I’ve been there. It’s such an immense grief and it sucks. All I know is it gets better, but maybe you don’t want to hear that now. I wish there more I could do or say but all I can say is I’m here if you want to talk. Don’t lose hope – there is always hope.

  3. There are no words. I am so, so sorry. Sorry that this is happening to you again, sorry that it has happened at all. I wish I could help. I wish there was something that I, or anyone, could say or do to take the pain away. I’m thinking of you. Send me an email if you need to talk.

    • Ugh, what a horrible night and day that was—not too long ago, but already I am used to what happened. Thank you for the offer of emailing, I might take you up on that. xo

  4. Amy Mac

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so so so sorry. I’ve been following you every day, full of hope. I’ve been where you are (miscarriage with donor egg after four previous miscarriages following IVF). All I can say is just make it through today. That’s all you have to do. Just this one day. And know that you are loved and supported and we’re carrying you.

  5. ROS

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so sorry to hear this. I truly can relate. I am currently seeing Dr. Toledo at RBA. Our transfer was on July 31st. Everything was complete bliss knowing a little one was on the way. Until August 17th, a Saturday that breaks my heart to remember. I was unusually tired and bloated. The around 8 PM I went to the restroom and saw the blood when I wiped. The dreaded wipe that so many women speak of. Bright red blood and lots of it. I knew it was the end of the pregnancy and the ultrasound confirmed it the following Monday. We were at RBA on September 3rd for a meeting to discuss going forward since we have 4 more embryos, ironically I think you may have been in the building or close by. I am TERRIFIED to do this again. I’m saying many prayers for both of us dear. This just brings it all back, crying as I write……….

    • Oh no. I’m so sorry you experienced that. If you have a moment, could you tell me a little more—did your donor’s eggs lead to any other miscarriages out there for recipient couples? Are you definitely going to go forward with the 4 embryos? Did you fertilize 8 eggs, or 6? I’m beginning to think that our fertilization outcome was way worse than average. ): I just haven’t heard numbers this low yet. God, it’s got to be terrifying for you. I am sending all the best energy I got toward you. I’m sure it’s going to really scare me when/if we get to that point of going forward with the remaining 2.

    • Wait–I’m sorry. You were crying as you wrote your comment, and here I am, pushing you for more information. That’s insensitive of me, God. Please don’t feel obligated to respond. I’m so sorry for what you went through, and are going through now! XOXO!

  6. Melana Kopman

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so very very sorry. This is just so cruel. I wish you were not going through this and I wish I could do something to ease your pain. We will all continue to support you and keep hope alive for you.

  7. Sometimes you don’t have to be OK. I think you should be as non-OK as you need to be, whatever you need to do and feel to get through this. Will be keeping in you in my thoughts and hope.

  8. I’m so very sorry. We are there with you in spirit. Thinking of you.

  9. Sunetra

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so incredibly sorry. My heart is heavy for you. I send you strength and will keep you in my thoughts.

  10. Even though there are no words to adequately support your sorrow, I am so sorry. So so sorry. I’m just going through a loss at 9 weeks – baby measuring 8 weeks. There is nothing easy or fair about any of this. I am wishing peace for you. I am so sorry.

  11. Tess

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so sorry. You are strong enough to get through this. If you don’t have a therapist who specializes in infertility that you’re in touch with, I would strongly suggest you go talk to someone for the added support.

  12. Oh no, my heart is in my mouth with this post… Are you able to get in to see someone today? I hope that it is not the end, I so hope that that is not the case. THinking of you and hoping for you and just wishing that life wasn’t so freaking cruel.

  13. Mrs. McIrish

     /  October 10, 2013

    I can feel your pain across multiple states that separate us. I hope you are wrong and that your miracle finds you. No one should have to endure so much sorrow trying to have a family. I hope you can sleep as it was my only respite I ever had struggling to make it through these losses. The fear of what is happening to you is why I’m not sure I can go through with another donor cycle.

    • Oh dear, I know, no one should have to. Thank you for your kind words. I slept okay last night, remarkably. I feel like I am going to be okay. I hope I haven’t made you feel more fear. So many people have wild success. Just not me, I guess.

  14. Amanda

     /  October 10, 2013

    Words fail me. I’m just so sorry. Did you call your doc right away?? Maybe there’s hope…

  15. Esperanza

     /  October 10, 2013

    I wish I had the words… any words.

    Abiding with you during this impossible time.

  16. Shana

     /  October 10, 2013

    You’re not okay. You can’t be. You’re losing a child. You’re losing a dream… first breaths, first smiles, first giggles, first days of school, first trophy, first date, first car… you’re losing… again. And it is so remarkably and immeasurably un-okay. I am more sorry than words can express. It’s been three years since we lost our baby and, reading this, my heart rises to my throat and… I remember. Over time, the grief changes… it becomes less raw, less threatening to consume. You know this, sadly. For now… it’s okay to not be okay. Know that you are not alone in your desparation. We are all here for you. Those of us who have been lurking for weeks, hoping to live vicariously through your success… those who have been reading since the beginning… we walk with you. We cry with you. We hope – even without you. Hope that numbers are wrong, that doctors are wrong… that everything is just wrong and that it is finally… finally… your turn. We hope.

    I’m so very, very sorry for your pain. It is so undeserving.

    • You are an angel, and your heartfelt words move me to tears. Thank you for feeling the depth of this injustice on my behalf and understanding the magnitude of what I’m going through. Hearing it’s okay to be not-okay, as much I already know that, was so helpful on this day. You gave me permission, and I needed that. I hope I can be someday that success story you can live through. I want to inspire hope not fear, no matter what happens. xoxox

  17. I’m so very sorry. It isn’t fair that one person should have to go through this over and over again. Don’t worry about not being okay– your heart is breaking. No one would be okay. I hope they can get you in for another ultrasound right away and give you answers. Thinking of you.

  18. Oh hon, this is awful. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Hold tight to your husband and cry as much as you need too. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

  19. Oh hun, my heart bleeds for you right now. It terrifies me so much to have gone through it myself but to be witnessing you now going through this now like this is so heartbreaking. I feel like I am right there with you. You poor poor things. Of course you’re not doing ok. This is a horribly traumatic experience that is life changing. But you are doing the best you can. Both of you are. It breaks my heart that you’re going through this but relieved you have each other. Lean on each other. Try to get a break from work and responsibilities and life. Just be together through this. Nothing else matters. Take every moment as it comes. Good or bad. Thinking of you all the time and wishing I could make your pain go away xx

    • The best I can, yes! I hope it has been good enough! I think it has been. We went for a long walk in Blydenburgh Park yesterday, around the lake, saw the changing leaves. I’m trying to make healthy choices. xxx


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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