I’m pretty sure baby died last night

Oh my god you guys, I think I lost her last night. I had pains at 3 in the morning—not severe at all, but enough to wake me up, shooting pains that were mild to moderate and intermittent —and I was sweating like crazy and I just felt like something was happening. No cramping, no blood. But I know something happened. Complete loss of all symptoms. Yesterday I was still feeling hungry. Today every last symptom has just vanished completely. It’s so strange how different I feel, the presence is gone. I’m supposed to go to work now and am sobbing. How am I supposed to deal with this? How? I don’t understand. I don’t understand what is happening to me, to my life. DH came to be with me in the night, gave me Tylenol for the pains, Benadryl to help me sleep. He never cries but he sobbed, his body wracking. It was the saddest thing in the universe. Please help me. I feel like I am really not okay.

 

 

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29 Comments

  1. This post made my heart hurt for you in so many ways. I wish there was something uplifting I could say that would help. Just know I’m thinking about you all the time and sending you so much love. Not sure that today, you have to be okay. Just take care of yourself. xoxo

    Reply
  2. LH

     /  October 9, 2013

    My heart hurts for you because I’ve been there. It’s such an immense grief and it sucks. All I know is it gets better, but maybe you don’t want to hear that now. I wish there more I could do or say but all I can say is I’m here if you want to talk. Don’t lose hope – there is always hope.

    Reply
  3. There are no words. I am so, so sorry. Sorry that this is happening to you again, sorry that it has happened at all. I wish I could help. I wish there was something that I, or anyone, could say or do to take the pain away. I’m thinking of you. Send me an email if you need to talk.

    Reply
    • Ugh, what a horrible night and day that was—not too long ago, but already I am used to what happened. Thank you for the offer of emailing, I might take you up on that. xo

      Reply
  4. Amy Mac

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so so so sorry. I’ve been following you every day, full of hope. I’ve been where you are (miscarriage with donor egg after four previous miscarriages following IVF). All I can say is just make it through today. That’s all you have to do. Just this one day. And know that you are loved and supported and we’re carrying you.

    Reply
  5. ROS

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so sorry to hear this. I truly can relate. I am currently seeing Dr. Toledo at RBA. Our transfer was on July 31st. Everything was complete bliss knowing a little one was on the way. Until August 17th, a Saturday that breaks my heart to remember. I was unusually tired and bloated. The around 8 PM I went to the restroom and saw the blood when I wiped. The dreaded wipe that so many women speak of. Bright red blood and lots of it. I knew it was the end of the pregnancy and the ultrasound confirmed it the following Monday. We were at RBA on September 3rd for a meeting to discuss going forward since we have 4 more embryos, ironically I think you may have been in the building or close by. I am TERRIFIED to do this again. I’m saying many prayers for both of us dear. This just brings it all back, crying as I write……….

    Reply
    • Oh no. I’m so sorry you experienced that. If you have a moment, could you tell me a little more—did your donor’s eggs lead to any other miscarriages out there for recipient couples? Are you definitely going to go forward with the 4 embryos? Did you fertilize 8 eggs, or 6? I’m beginning to think that our fertilization outcome was way worse than average. ): I just haven’t heard numbers this low yet. God, it’s got to be terrifying for you. I am sending all the best energy I got toward you. I’m sure it’s going to really scare me when/if we get to that point of going forward with the remaining 2.

      Reply
    • Wait–I’m sorry. You were crying as you wrote your comment, and here I am, pushing you for more information. That’s insensitive of me, God. Please don’t feel obligated to respond. I’m so sorry for what you went through, and are going through now! XOXO!

      Reply
  6. Melana Kopman

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so very very sorry. This is just so cruel. I wish you were not going through this and I wish I could do something to ease your pain. We will all continue to support you and keep hope alive for you.

    Reply
  7. Sometimes you don’t have to be OK. I think you should be as non-OK as you need to be, whatever you need to do and feel to get through this. Will be keeping in you in my thoughts and hope.

    Reply
  8. I’m so very sorry. We are there with you in spirit. Thinking of you.

    Reply
  9. Sunetra

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so incredibly sorry. My heart is heavy for you. I send you strength and will keep you in my thoughts.

    Reply
  10. Even though there are no words to adequately support your sorrow, I am so sorry. So so sorry. I’m just going through a loss at 9 weeks – baby measuring 8 weeks. There is nothing easy or fair about any of this. I am wishing peace for you. I am so sorry.

    Reply
  11. Tess

     /  October 9, 2013

    I am so sorry. You are strong enough to get through this. If you don’t have a therapist who specializes in infertility that you’re in touch with, I would strongly suggest you go talk to someone for the added support.

    Reply
  12. Oh no, my heart is in my mouth with this post… Are you able to get in to see someone today? I hope that it is not the end, I so hope that that is not the case. THinking of you and hoping for you and just wishing that life wasn’t so freaking cruel.

    Reply
  13. Mrs. McIrish

     /  October 10, 2013

    I can feel your pain across multiple states that separate us. I hope you are wrong and that your miracle finds you. No one should have to endure so much sorrow trying to have a family. I hope you can sleep as it was my only respite I ever had struggling to make it through these losses. The fear of what is happening to you is why I’m not sure I can go through with another donor cycle.

    Reply
    • Oh dear, I know, no one should have to. Thank you for your kind words. I slept okay last night, remarkably. I feel like I am going to be okay. I hope I haven’t made you feel more fear. So many people have wild success. Just not me, I guess.

      Reply
  14. Amanda

     /  October 10, 2013

    Words fail me. I’m just so sorry. Did you call your doc right away?? Maybe there’s hope…

    Reply
  15. Esperanza

     /  October 10, 2013

    I wish I had the words… any words.

    Abiding with you during this impossible time.

    Reply
  16. Shana

     /  October 10, 2013

    You’re not okay. You can’t be. You’re losing a child. You’re losing a dream… first breaths, first smiles, first giggles, first days of school, first trophy, first date, first car… you’re losing… again. And it is so remarkably and immeasurably un-okay. I am more sorry than words can express. It’s been three years since we lost our baby and, reading this, my heart rises to my throat and… I remember. Over time, the grief changes… it becomes less raw, less threatening to consume. You know this, sadly. For now… it’s okay to not be okay. Know that you are not alone in your desparation. We are all here for you. Those of us who have been lurking for weeks, hoping to live vicariously through your success… those who have been reading since the beginning… we walk with you. We cry with you. We hope – even without you. Hope that numbers are wrong, that doctors are wrong… that everything is just wrong and that it is finally… finally… your turn. We hope.

    I’m so very, very sorry for your pain. It is so undeserving.

    Reply
    • You are an angel, and your heartfelt words move me to tears. Thank you for feeling the depth of this injustice on my behalf and understanding the magnitude of what I’m going through. Hearing it’s okay to be not-okay, as much I already know that, was so helpful on this day. You gave me permission, and I needed that. I hope I can be someday that success story you can live through. I want to inspire hope not fear, no matter what happens. xoxox

      Reply
  17. I’m so very sorry. It isn’t fair that one person should have to go through this over and over again. Don’t worry about not being okay– your heart is breaking. No one would be okay. I hope they can get you in for another ultrasound right away and give you answers. Thinking of you.

    Reply
  18. Oh hon, this is awful. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Hold tight to your husband and cry as much as you need too. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

    Reply
  19. Oh hun, my heart bleeds for you right now. It terrifies me so much to have gone through it myself but to be witnessing you now going through this now like this is so heartbreaking. I feel like I am right there with you. You poor poor things. Of course you’re not doing ok. This is a horribly traumatic experience that is life changing. But you are doing the best you can. Both of you are. It breaks my heart that you’re going through this but relieved you have each other. Lean on each other. Try to get a break from work and responsibilities and life. Just be together through this. Nothing else matters. Take every moment as it comes. Good or bad. Thinking of you all the time and wishing I could make your pain go away xx

    Reply
    • The best I can, yes! I hope it has been good enough! I think it has been. We went for a long walk in Blydenburgh Park yesterday, around the lake, saw the changing leaves. I’m trying to make healthy choices. xxx

      Reply

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