What a dream/ The two me’s

I had a dream last night that I had taken my HPT and it was positive. Everything changed. The relief I experienced made me feel relaxed and happy, like I had just swam for miles in the sunshine. I felt joy. I felt so lucky to be alive. The test was a different one than I’ve taken in the past, with two blue lines not pink, and some wire on top of the result window (blatant symbol) that partially obstructed the view but which I could see around easily enough. There was no crash into darkness and anxiety, in this dream, no devastating turn of events—I remained pregnant and happy, my belly growing. DH was happy. My friends and family were happy. I felt distinctly that not just I but everyone in my life had crossed over a line (yes, like a line in a result window) to the “other side,” where it was safe, warm, good.

I woke from this dream feeling that safe, warm, good feeling for at least a full minute, during which I totally believed that I already knew I was pregnant. I was smiling in the dark, in bed, totally relaxed and happy. It took quite a while for me to realize that I had been dreaming and had not actually taken a home pregnancy test yet (which I will do tomorrow morning). There were a few minutes during which I did realize I had not taken the test, but felt completely convinced that that did not matter one bit, that I was obviously pregnant and did not need to test.

Then anxiety trickled into my body. I stopped smiling. I had a bodily memory of the million times, over the past two and a half years, that I have felt high hopes, and then have felt foolish afterward when all the dreams came crashing down, like debris from an airplane that has exploded in the sky. Who cares if reality makes a fool of you tomorrow, I thought. It’s okay to feel hopeful.

A few hours later, I am somewhere in between, grasping after that confident, happy feeling while feeling afraid of what tomorrow morning will bring. I am spanning ahead, imagining the two me’s going down those two very different paths, the paths divided by those result-window lines. I see myself waltzing into my office smiling, glowing, being amazing at work, falling into DH’s arms at night, finally able to talk about the next steps of our lives. Or I see myself crying in the car, barely able to look at people at work, and scream-sobbing in DH’s arms at night, back in the same sad and depleted mindspace I’ve grown accustomed to visiting.

But yesterday, for some reason, I did believe, and for most of the day. It peaked when I got out of work and saw a beautiful deer near my car, saw her watching me, and I had wild ideas about the deer being a good omen. I was in unusually high spirits, singing in the car, loving making dinner, and thinking all along that I am pregnant, that I know I am. 

The see-saw. You know how it goes. Today I will try to revisit that dream as often as possible and just hope for the best, as they say.

I just read a post on the blog Inconceivable! that I would like to pass on. She writes so thoughtfully about her reactions to her situation, about not wanting to be a martyr or a goddess but to just be in it in a genuine way. http://inconceivable12.wordpress.com/2013/09/12/light-dark-and-every-shade-in-between/

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6 Comments

  1. newtoivf

     /  September 12, 2013

    I have everything crossed for you, hoping so much your dream comes true x

    Reply
  2. I know how hard it is to hold onto hope. But I am still hoping for a happy result tomorrow! And I’m quite impressed with your ability to wait. After a dream like that, I’d be POAS-ing stat!!!!

    Reply
  3. SUCH good omens! I love that you are recognising and enjoying the moments of peace and happiness even though uncertainty is looming. Hang on to those thoughts. I am crossing everything this is your turn xx

    Reply
  4. Oh I’ve had that dream. The feeling of relief is so palpable, so deep, it seeps into your waking mind. It’s both my favorite dream and my most hated, all at the same time. Good luck, I am hoping the dream becomes a reality for you tomorrow!

    Reply
  5. I had a positive pregnancy dream the night before I tested positive. I have never had one of those before or after. And I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant, due to my spotting beforehand (which turns out was most likely my stupid friable cervix). I am going to take this as a good omen.

    And if it’s not, and you are disappointed tomorrow, I know it will be hard. I had three negative IVFs before my positive. The first day is usually numb, the next days and weeks are awful. But I am reassured by your wonderful frozen embryos just waiting for you. That is the thought I clung onto when I was getting ready to test that fateful morning of June 28th.

    I’m about to go read the blog you linked too. But just know that you have a lot of people rooting for you and this strong little embryo. And you are tough and will persevere on, no matter what the result is tomorrow.

    Reply
  6. Can’t believe the test is tomorrow…so hopeful for you!!

    Reply

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