I feel different

Now that there is no going back, I feel different, in a good way. I’m finding myself uninterested in worrying about the fact that we will not be using my eggs. I’m not feeling sad about the loss of my genetic contribution, and not just because I’ve read about epigenetics. It’s more than that. During the drive home from work, I found myself thinking: This is my unique trip toward parenthood, my very own experience, and I wouldn’t change it.

It’s difficult to articulate, but there is something about using a donor who is half-Korean that eases some of the troubling feelings I’ve had about being replaced. I would say: I’m not trying to replace myself, that’s impossible. But when I was looking at full-Caucasian donors, it was really difficult to not compare my baby photos to hers—and to feel that sense that this process is one of replacement. But when I looked at photos of our donor, I did not shuffle my baby photos and her baby photos together into my mental slideshow. I saw my basic physical features represented in her and went no further than that. It was so easy to feel the reality, that she is a separate and complete person from my separate and complete person, and we two unique individuals are joining together with DH to make life possible.  Even though I was thrilled by all of the similarities between us, as I described in my last post, I was also calmed and centered by our dissimilarities, her Korean-ness, her-otherness, her not-me-ness.

Also, I just feel so much more confident about going forward with this whole process now that we’ve chosen, written our check for $30,000, and my medications are on their way. I mean there is quite literally no way I can second-guess our decision now, and that alone is relieving. As I keep reading in your blogs, we suffer the most mentally and emotionally when we are in limbo, before we’ve pressed “go.” Pressing “go” feels like control, on this trip during which we’ve had little if any. It’s nice. I like how it fits. Maybe I’ll get to stay in this space. At this moment, everything feels right.

 

 

 

 

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6 Comments

  1. newtoivf

     /  July 26, 2013

    So pleased for you, wishing you so much luck

    Reply
  2. Freiburg

     /  July 27, 2013

    Good luck with your medications, hope you get them on time! And I am happy to see your positive attitude towards this trip, it is indeed unique. We are looking into the same guarantee program too, after having as many losses as you had, and after going through the whole course of depression, frustration, anger… You are one step ahead of me, I can’t thank you enough for sharing the details with such clarity! We are also an European/Asian family, this does not make choosing a donor easier, :-), but we are sure the right one will show up.

    Reply
  3. Woo to pressing “go!” It’s true, the waiting is the worst. Having a plan, being underway…so much better for the mental state. You are on the upswing! I always feel my maximum hope and happiness going into a cycle. I hope this wonderful donor is the answer to your quest for parenthood!

    Reply
    • Me, too! I keep reminding myself that things might not go according to plan, just to prepare….but I have a very good feeling about it…xoxo

      Reply

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