I just did something unexpected on FB. I went through my list of Friends and changed my preferences—adding back Friends to my Home Newsfeed, or whatever it’s called. I added back the Friends who post a lot of pregnancy/baby/fun-family-life photos. Somewhere along this unexpected trip—perhaps it was between my 3rd and 4th miscarriage? Or 4th and 5th? So many miscarriages to choose from!—I went in there and changed my preferences so that those happily family’ed did not appear in my feed, with the hopes that it would relieve some of the relentless pain I was feeling at the time. I think it did relieve me of some pain—but it also contributed to my isolation.

I haven’t really thought about this in a while. I have just gotten used to seeing a collection of random friends, many of whom I’m not close to, in my newsfeed:  Those who are much younger than me (no baby yet); those I don’t know well (and therefore their happy-baby-family photos didn’t sting); or those who have no children. I became increasingly distant from FB most likely because I was seeing the updates of only random, marginal connections, and because I did not feel inspired to post (childless) photos of my own.

I have a sort of love-hate relationship with FB in general, but it did feel healthy to virtually reconnect with the family’ed. It did feel freeing to poke around the photos of the mamas & papas & babies & toddlers & primary-school kids & teenagers going to prom (yes, some of my high school friends have kids who are old enough to go to prom).

I wonder what it will feel like, in the coming days, to open myself back up inside Facebooklandia. Have the wounds healed over so well that all will slip-slide off my brand-new smooth pink skin? We’ll see.


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