Not grasping for Baby/ Hearing from Shane/ The donor twins in my life/ My future practice

I had a realization last week that I am no longer grasping for Baby. I don’t feel that desperate yearning. I still want to do donor egg IVF. I still want to have a family. But I no longer feel that having a baby is my ticket out of hell. I no longer feel that having baby will be the only way to heal me. Because you know what? I have healed myself! And I am no longer in hell.

How amazing is that?

Yesterday, we picked out wedding bands—mine a delicate vintage swirl of leaves and vines studded with tiny diamonds. I am in love with it. I found a Marilyn Monroe-esque ivory gown and sexy white satin pumps that will make my honey very happy. He picked out an unadorned dark titanium man-band and found a sharp-looking vest, a robin’s-egg blue tie. It was fun. Last week, we reserved our golf cart, which is what we are going to use to explore the 7 1/2 mile long island of Culebra, where I plan to wear nothing but my swimsuit and flip-flops and swim alongside turtles.

It is a very, very good thing that I chose to prioritize our love relationship over DE cycling. My brain has changed shape, probably literally.

I am glad that I did not know that my Ma-Maw went into menopause at age 40 (after having 4 kids in her 20s). I am glad I did not know that I would inherit her genetic building blocks for eggs, and that my eggs would age much faster than the rest of me. Because if I’d known that, back in my early 30s, when there was an excellent chance for me to have biological children, I would have stayed with my first husband out of fear, and I would have had babies with him.

And I never would have met the man I am marrying in June. This life, this path, intense pain and loss and all, is the best path I could have hoped for, because it contains him.

I found myself saying all of this in a long email I wrote to Shane today. Yes, Shane finally wrote back to me, I am deeply relieved to say. She wrote the requisite wrong things—Have you looked into adoption? We really love our new baby, but we are so tired and strapped for time!—but I didn’t feel anger toward her, and I knew that this was a sign of deep healing in me. I understood clearly that she just had no idea what to say, how to be. She was stumbling for words. Trying not to hurt me and trying to help me. I felt such a sense of gratitude toward her for trying. When I wrote back, I even managed to gush over the off-the-charts cuteness of her baby (seen on FB), and I didn’t even inwardly cringe while doing so. I felt happy for her.

Holy shit. I genuinely felt unfettered happiness for her! Yay!!!

Going to couples’ counseling has been hugely helpful. We’ve begun talking about the donor egg process. Although I feel that the most responsible thing to do is talk about all of the what ifs now, I don’t feel all that compelled toward fear and anxiety. My primary feelings are gratitude and certainty. Gratitude that I live at a time during which donor egg IVF is a possibility. I am most likely going to get to experience pregnancy, birth, and early mother-infant bonding–even though I missed the boat with my own eggs! It’s a pretty wild and wonderful gift, when I stop and think about it.

Oftentimes when I have fears about what it’s going to be like to choose a donor, and have a baby growing inside me that is not genetically related to me, and watch that child grow up and take on unexpected physical appearances, I think of the donor twins in my life, two little girls I know who are not related to their papa. Their parents told them about their biological origins when they were 7 years old; one cried, the other was fascinated. But it didn’t change their bond with their father. They are intensely and beautifully connected to him.

Off to sleep now. This girl is also trying to study for the licensing exam, in the midst of wedding and honeymoon plans, and consults with RBA (my first consult being this coming Tuesday). I have some ideas in mind about starting a private practice counseling women who are about to, or who have already, experienced pregnancy loss. I especially want to be available to women who have just found out that they are going to have a miscarriage. I want to offer emotional support, and practical guidance. I want to pass on what I’ve learned and be there for them when they are falling off the cliff into crisis…

But more on that later.

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4 Comments

  1. Such a wonderful positive post, I’m so happy that you have found peace and happiness x

    Reply
  2. so glad that the wedding plans are moving along- sounds beautiful! you should feel very proud of the work you have done – it sounds like you have really processed many things you need to- and that is an important step in teh DE journey! looking forward to reading about your professional plans!!

    Reply

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