The “not-nursery” room

The snow has buried our cars out there, and today, after going for an exploratory walk, I am going to work on “the room.”

The room is our second bedroom, the one we don’t really talk about and don’t really know what to call. Sometimes we call it my office. Sometimes we call it the art & music room. But DH and I both know what it actually is: a messy room we have not attended to because we were waiting to see if I got pregnant, waiting to see if we could go forward with turning it into a nursery.

We cannot.

So! Today I am going to turn the “not-nursery” room into a full-fledged art & music room. It already has my easel and art supplies in it, some guitars leaning up against the wall, but in general, the room is in a state of disrepair and not a room you’d want to hang out in. I’m going to organize my art materials and make it homier in there. I have a serious craving to paint, draw, and collage. To create free-hand-drawn mandalas. To create period.

The body and mind find ways to release that creative energy when you cannot release it into giving life to a child inside you. When you cannot release it into creating a room for a child inside your home.

I am certainly a little sad and bitter about this, but my predominant feeling is one of eagerness. I want to transform that room. I think it will be healing.

DH wants to get a sled and go sledding, but I’m just not sure I can stomach sledding childless alongside all the sledding families. I wish I were him, sometimes. I wish these scenarios did not even occur to me.

For now: a cup of coffee. A shower. A walk in the snow. A room to transform. Deep slow breaths, and a reminder to self: live in the present today. Give yourself that. Give yourself a weekend without too many tears or too much heartache. You deserve to be happy on your weekend, and to enjoy the marvel of the snow.

 

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