I’m not researching, I’m homemaking

Tomorrow is our consultation appointment about the donor egg program at Long Island IVF, with Dr. Brenner, and I am not really researching.

Well, I did read a few blog posts at Hard Boiled: A Donor Egg Blog and No Good Eggs . I watched a youtube video that made me feel hopeful. We looked at a few donor profiles on CCRM’s website. We can’t afford and don’t want to go back to CCRM, but it was relatively easy to gain access to their donor database, so we looked, and got a taste of what that process will be like. It felt a little bit like I imagine the adoption process would feel. We were trying to get a sense of a three-dimensional, complex human being from a form and two photographs. None of the donors looked like me, and I found myself drawn to the one Chinese donor in the database, who looked like DH (who is Korean).

Also, I sheepishly admit that I did google celebrities who became pregnant using donor eggs–or at least it is assumed that they did, ie. in the case of Holly Hunter becoming pregnant at 47 and Geena Davis at the age of 46. I am pop-culture illiterate and generally know nothing about the lives of celebrities, but I gave myself a free pass for indulgent googling in this case. I appreciate Marcia Cross saying that she felt morally compelled to publicize her use of donor eggs to become pregnant with her twins– because, she says, as a celebrity, she has a responsibility to not bolster the misconception that it is easy for women to get pregnant in their 40s.

Also, I’m in the middle of reading this article.

Okay, I am researching some.

But overall I have been tip-toeing lightly into these new waters.

Because we have needed some time to be a normal couple. (When I integrate the treatment of women struggling with fertility issues into my clinical practice, I am going to focus quite a bit on this issue: the need for normal life.)

We haven’t been talking all that much about fertility or our next steps. We have been having fantastic sex (no more morbid thoughts about my mortality, hallelujah), cooking, and going to yoga classes, and snuggling and watching movies.

We have bought a ridiculously comfortable couch, a beautiful coffee table, and a 47-inch (!!!) LED television.

We have been watching movies on my mini-MacBook Air for years, so we just went for it, and graduated into suburbia. Five years ago, I would have been ashamed of having such a screen in my home. Oh how times have changed! We christened this television (aka Post-Failed-IVF Comfort-Giver) by watching Manhattan.

We also bought three giant lush green plants and potted them in beautiful gem-colored pots with fresh, black soil. Their leaves are a jungle in our living room.

I’m eager and curious for tomorrow’s appointment, but to tell you the truth, I would much rather be cooking sweet potato pancakes and potting plants and watching movies with DH. It has felt good to live (mostly) normally. At least for a little while.

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  1. Jenny

     /  February 5, 2013

    I also live on LI and have done stimulation cycles with both LIIVF (1 cycle) and RSNY (5 cycles). I don’t recommend either of them. LI clinics are all scam. Don’t waste time and money. You may want to check out RMANJ for donor cycle.

  2. ADM

     /  February 7, 2013

    I’m going to see if I can get in touch with you this weekend now that my professional life has moved from hellish to at least manageable. I don’t know if there’s times or days that might be best for you, but I’ll just take a stab at it and we can work from there. In any case, I just wanted to offer you good luck and best wishes with your appointment to discuss ED and donor embryos, etc. We’ve been using donor sperm for most of our journey, so I can relate to the bizarre type of “shopping” this requires. It’s so freakin’ strange. And because we went through such a long process with all the miscarriages, we had to change donors twice. It’s strange how attached I got to our first donor and how tough it was to switch to a new one. Like you and your partner, we are a mixed-race couple and were frustrated by how difficult it was to find non-white donors at most of the banks–especially the ones with whom our RE was willing to work. We finally had to compromise on that front. But now that we’re using my partner’s eggs, the matter of finding a donor that “matches” her race is no longer an issue. Now we start looking for someone who sounds and looks like me, I suppose. A very odd kind of online shopping.

    I’m getting fairly settled into our new plan for IVF this summer and now I’m starting to feel impatient. I look forward to letting my body recover from the many, many months of treatment, pregnancy, and miscarriage, but I also want to start. NOW! We have to wait until our semesters come to an end and we are both in the same place, so waiting is necessary. Also, we haven’t even begun the process of consultation with my partner being brought into the physical equation. And we are still hoping there might be an opportunity for egg sharing, so we can both help someone else with their fertility struggles and bring the cost down for us. So there’s lots to do in the next few months to get ready. Anyway, I hope this new acceptance of not using my eggs will continue, because just recently it has started to feel so right. But as you well know this stuff comes and goes in remarkable waves. I suspect I’ll still be hit with sadness, anger, frustration about it all, but I keep telling myself that I KNOW none of that will matter when we actually have our babe in arms.

    • As usual, you speak as if from my own heart. So much in common! I’ll keep this brief as we may speak this weekend, but just wanted to say that I, too, am in that impatient phase but I am lacking the energy to go to the next step—wouldn’t it be great if we could fast-forward recovery?? I want to write a post about those waves you mention—waves of acceptance interspersed with waves of non-acceptance, to the background knowledge that none of this will matter once you have a baby. I know that, too! And I keep telling myself that this process might be painful, but I know in the core of me that I will love my children fiercely and enjoy them with my full heart and absolutely none of those waves of non-acceptance is going to matter one iota when I am finally—fianally!—released to the world of loving and living side by side with my children.


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