Leaving in half an hour/ baby charm/ about my shots/ wheel of fortune/ go out in the woods

I’m leaving in thirty minutes to take a plane to Denver, Colorado!

If there were a way for me to prepare more, I would, but there just isn’t. I’m trying to spend my last moments relaxing in the sunshine at my kitchen table. It is an absolutely gorgeous, cloudless day, bright winter-blue sky and sunshine. The taxi-man I talked to on the phone (taking a cab to JFK) joked with me and made me laugh. I found a bracelet last night, hiding in the pocket of one of my pieces of luggage—it’s a bracelet I brought home from Ohio in October. I’d forgotten I brought it home. It is a charm bracelet my parents gave to me when I was a very little girl, and on it is a heart, and inside the heart is a tiny photo of me as a baby. I used to wear it when I was really young—three, four, five. So of course I put it on.

My shots are going pretty well. My belly is very bruised, but the bruises don’t hurt. Sometimes the medicine burns, sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s never a terrible burning sensation I can’t handle. I just go about my business as the burning sensation fades away. I’ve squirted bits of medicine on the table and on my thigh, I’ve released many droplets from the needle tip (not just one), and I’ve definitely shot air bubbles into the fat of my tummy, but I’m not worrying about any of it. I’m getting increasingly better at the injections, and I know that a few drops is not going to make or break the cycle. I’m proud of myself for taking this stuff in stride—that’s not easy for me to do and takes a lot of effortful self-talk!

The first shot I did, I nearly passed out from hyperventilating. I have a needle phobia. It’s severe enough that I have passed out several times when getting my blood drawn or when getting an allergy test. So to pinch the skin of my belly with one hand and dart a needle into it with the other is a very challenging scenario for my brain to handle. Even though I’m getting better at it, I do get this extreme influx of acid in my stomach every time and a queasy feeling, and my hands shake a bit. But I do it! Yes. Very satisfying.

In circle last Sunday, guess what card Sky drew? Alice in Wonderland. Here’s part of the reading:

When this card appears in your reading, see your life from a higher perspective. Explore the realm of dreams and keep a notebook of your out of body journeys. Good fortune may be just around the corner. Anticipate a turning of the wheel of fortune in your favor. Be the eternal optimist. Know that the power of prosperity consciousness is your ace in the hole. Take advantage of golden opportunities coming your way. Good luck is on your side. Let it ride!

Let it ride!

And last night, I opened Women Who Run with the Wolves to a page at random and read about the story of the wolf’s eyelash. More on this later, but for now, just know that the wolf says this:

Where is the soul?

Where is the soul?

Go out in the woods, go out. If you don’t go out in the woods,

nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.

 Taxi is coming—I’m going out.

Leave a comment


  1. A miller

     /  January 8, 2013

    The absolute best of luck to you. Sounds like you are already handling the Lovenox like pro. I found I bruised less as I got better at the slots: going slow, holding on to the flesh for about a minute after the injection, avoiding shower and constricting clothes immediately after the injection. And I was told it was important to inject the air bubble last to sort of seal in the meds. My two cents even though you didn’t ask for it! Travel safely and enjoy that big, blue Colorado sky. And drink lots of water to help with altitude adjustment.

    • thank you for the luck! yes, the lovenox is challenging—i think the manufacturer of the lovenox i have is not so great, lots of malfunctions. i will be very relieved when the shots are over—i think—but then i wonder if i will miss doing something so aggressive and physical, that satisfying feeling of actually *doing* something to change my situation.


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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
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    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
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    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
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    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
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    March 14, 2014:
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    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
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    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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