Am getting that swing-set feeling

As DH and I are trying to prepare for the weeks to come by creating lists of things to do, I am getting that swing-set feeling—that flutter in the tummy that happens when you swing very high on a swing-set and come arcing back down to the earth.

I am drinking my very last mini-cup of coffee before Monday (must stop altogether on Mon.) after 3 days of caffeine abstinence, which wasn’t so hard, as I never drink more than a cup a day anyway. Had a couple of Godiva chocolates, the last chocolate I can eat for a month. Am looking at the suitcase we call “The Big Boy” here on the living room floor, knowing that I will have to carefully choose what to bring with me for two weeks (I’m not exactly a minimalist when it comes to packing). I am picturing my room at Staybridge, with its little kitchen and king-sized bed and cable television. I am picturing myself grocery shopping and making little dinners for myself with my favorite ingredient, dark leafy greens. I am picturing myself in a gown on a table, looking at my uterus and ovaries magnified on giant screen above me. “It’s looking good,” the nurse says in my vision. “Everything’s going smoothly.” Or sometimes she says: “Hmm, maybe we need to increase your dosage,” and my hard-working heart skips a few beats.

I am anticipating obstacles, and how I will advocate for myself. To the local IVF clinic here, during my suppression check on CD2: “No, that’s NOT a cyst on my left ovary; my left ovary is very high up and sometimes my intestine gets in the way of being able to see it clearly–that round thing is my intestine and I refuse to delay my cycle over it.” Or what if they see a lead follicle on Day 2? I won’t be able to self-advocate my way out of that one.

But the swing-set feeling isn’t just nerves and the mild background hum of catastrophic thinking. It is also excitement. Because this crazy plan just might work. It just might result in a baby. In my dream last night, a woman I’d never seen before came up to me and said, “You’re going to get pregnant, you know,” and then she winked, warmly, and walked away.

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  1. I love your description of the swing set feeling! I also love the dream story…that is all the convincing I need that this is going to work for you. :)


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  •© the unexpected trip,, 2012-2017.
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  • About Me

    Me: 41
    DH: 38

    Fertility issue:
    Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    6 pregnancy losses
    All early
    5 with my own eggs
    1 with donor egg

    Abnormal embryos

    Factor V Leiden heterozygous
    MTHFR heterozygous

    AFC: 2 - 12
    AMH: 0.2
    FSH: 6.8
    E2: 40
    LH: 2.8


    April 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac only). D&C to remove products of conception at 9 weeks.

    Oct 2011 -
    Natural conception, first try. Blighted ovum (gestational sac & yolk sac). Took Cytotec to induce miscarriage at 9 weeks. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors followed.

    Winter 2012 -
    Two rounds of Femara/Clomid + IUIs at Columbia and RS of NY. The idea: to produce more eggs and increase chances of catching a good one. BFNs.

    April 2012 -
    Natural conception, first try. Ultrasound showed activity in the uterus, but no complete sac. Diagnosed with "missed abortion." Natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    June 2012 -
    Conception after 7 mg Femara for 5 days + IUI. Diagnosed with chemical pregnancy. Natural miscarriage at 4.5 weeks.

    August 2012 -
    Natural conception, without trying. Chemical pregnancy and natural miscarriage at 5 weeks.

    October 2012 -
    ODWU at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM).

    January 2013 -
    IVF with Dr. Schoolcraft.
    Straight Antagonist protocol

    What he predicted:
    I will produce 11 eggs
    Good chance 1 will be normal
    30% chance 2 will be normal
    Transfer 1, then a 45% chance of success
    Transfer 2, then a 65% chance of success

    What happened:
    7 follicles stimulated
    6 mature eggs retrieved
    2 died during ICSI
    4 fertilized
    3 out of 4 embryos CCS-tested
    All abnormal

    Aug/Sept 2013-
    Frozen Donor Egg IVF at Reproductive Biology Associates (RBA)
    What Dr. Shapiro predicted:
    6 or 7 will fertilize
    1 we will transfer
    1 - 3 we will freeze

    Protocol: Lupron, Vivelle patches, Crinone

    8 frozen eggs from donor thawed
    6 fertilized
    1 Day-5 Grade A XBbb blastocyst transferred
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst frozen
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst frozen

    September 13, 2013: Pregnant

    Prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin,
    Vivelle patches & Crinone

    Beta #1: 171
    Beta #2: 706
    Beta #3: 7,437

    6 w 3 d: measured 6 w 1 d
    FHR: 80 bpm
    Fetus did not grow
    7 w: FHR 121 bpm
    8 w: heart stopped
    9 w: D and C

    Test results: We lost a normal karyotype male for unexplained reasons

    Quit stressful job
    Anti-inflammation diet
    Gluten-free diet
    Vit D, DHA/EPA
    Therapy/energy work
    Creative Visualization
    Art Therapy

    March 14, 2014:
    Double FET at RBA
    1 Day-5 Grade A EBbb blastocyst
    1 Day-6 Grade A XBbb blastocyst

    March 24, 2014:

    Prenatals, baby aspirin, Folgard, Vivelle, Crinone, Lovenox

    Beta #1: 295
    Beta #2: 942
    Beta #3: 12,153

    1 fetus implanted

    Measured on track

    Fetal heart rate:
    7 wk: 127 bpm, 8wk:159 bpm, 9wk: 172 bpm

    Due date: Dec, 4 2014!

    NatureMade (USP Seal) Prenatals and 4000 Vit D3
    Baby aspirin
    40 mg Lovenox
    DHA and EPA
    Folgard 2.2

    Born: One perfect baby boy 12.4.14

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