Am getting that swing-set feeling

As DH and I are trying to prepare for the weeks to come by creating lists of things to do, I am getting that swing-set feeling—that flutter in the tummy that happens when you swing very high on a swing-set and come arcing back down to the earth.

I am drinking my very last mini-cup of coffee before Monday (must stop altogether on Mon.) after 3 days of caffeine abstinence, which wasn’t so hard, as I never drink more than a cup a day anyway. Had a couple of Godiva chocolates, the last chocolate I can eat for a month. Am looking at the suitcase we call “The Big Boy” here on the living room floor, knowing that I will have to carefully choose what to bring with me for two weeks (I’m not exactly a minimalist when it comes to packing). I am picturing my room at Staybridge, with its little kitchen and king-sized bed and cable television. I am picturing myself grocery shopping and making little dinners for myself with my favorite ingredient, dark leafy greens. I am picturing myself in a gown on a table, looking at my uterus and ovaries magnified on giant screen above me. “It’s looking good,” the nurse says in my vision. “Everything’s going smoothly.” Or sometimes she says: “Hmm, maybe we need to increase your dosage,” and my hard-working heart skips a few beats.

I am anticipating obstacles, and how I will advocate for myself. To the local IVF clinic here, during my suppression check on CD2: “No, that’s NOT a cyst on my left ovary; my left ovary is very high up and sometimes my intestine gets in the way of being able to see it clearly–that round thing is my intestine and I refuse to delay my cycle over it.” Or what if they see a lead follicle on Day 2? I won’t be able to self-advocate my way out of that one.

But the swing-set feeling isn’t just nerves and the mild background hum of catastrophic thinking. It is also excitement. Because this crazy plan just might work. It just might result in a baby. In my dream last night, a woman I’d never seen before came up to me and said, “You’re going to get pregnant, you know,” and then she winked, warmly, and walked away.

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  1. I love your description of the swing set feeling! I also love the dream story…that is all the convincing I need that this is going to work for you. :)


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