Dakini Sky Dancer (letting in more the closer I get to IVF)

I’ve never allowed myself to be as open to spirituality, magic, and symbolism in my life. The closer I get to IVF, the more I let things in. I can look at this in a good light or a cynical light. I can think of myself as one desperate and terrified woman who is grasping onto whatever she can to sustain her through the insane anxiety and uncertainty to come. Or I can think of myself as having gone through (and am going through) something so powerful, such an intense mix of light and dark, that it has motivated me to grow into a spiritual nature I will continue to nurture for the rest of my life. Hmm, which perspective should I choose?

Because it all comes down to choice. Right now, I am strong enough to choose the latter.

If I have no chromosomally normal eggs and I have to face childlessness for quite a bit longer, will I still be able to choose in that way? Or will I become cynical again? Will I think of myself as a fool? As an object of pity? Will I put myself through that again?

I hope I can choose to remain positive about who I am and what I am going through, no matter what happens. I want to be good to myself. I want to continue to grow, not turn inward, cold, sad, alone. I am strengthening myself now as much as possible by letting all the good things in.

Dakini Sky Dancer

In the spring, I took the Buddhist refuge vows. I don’t call myself a Buddhist, but I practice its teachings as much as I can. During the vow ceremony, I was given my name: Dakini Sky Dancer. This name was given to me by Grace, my beloved yoga instructor. (I really have to write more about Grace, who helped me through some of the darkest times of the past year and half by nurturing me during yoga class—me crying on the mat, after some loss, some stress, some crushing disappointment, Grace rubbing my head, putting lavender oil on her hands for me to inhale, all while calling out to and conducting the rest of the class.) I have been reading about my name, and realizing what a gift Grace gave to me when she named me Dakini.

Here are some things I’ve learned about Dakini that really speak to me (adapted from Dakini Energies):

  • She is the female embodiment of enlightened energy.
  • Dakini in Sanskrit = Sky Dancer.
  • In Tibetan, she is khandroma, “she who traverses the sky,” “she who moves in space,” “sky walker,” “sky dancer,” “sky traveler.” (And, I would add, “she who takes an unexpected trip.”)
  • She represents the sky being a womb—emptiness, creativity, potentiality.
  • She is an object of desire.
  • She is a carrier of cosmic energy, fertilization, and reproduction.
  • She brings pleasure and provokes the lust that brings life into being.
  • In India, she carries the souls of the dead to the sky.
  • She is a muse for spiritual practice.
  • She tests a Buddhist’s abilities and commitments.
  • She can be likened to angels, or elves, or fairies. An angel is the Western equivalent of a dakini.
  • She is immortal.
  • She has been here since the beginning of time.
  • She behaves in revelatory and mysterious ways.
  • She responds to the spiritual energy within people.
  • Love is her domain.
  • She usually assumes the form of a human female.
  • When her tests are passed, the practitioner is elevated into the Paradise of the Dakinis, a place of enlightened bliss.
  • She helps you increase erotic pleasure by focusing on spiritual joy and physical pleasure at the same time.
  • She is usually young, naked, dancing, holding a skull cap of menstrual blood, the elixir of life in one hand, a knife in the other.
  • She wears a garland of  human skulls, and has a trident staff.
  • Her hair is wild.
  • She often dances on a corpse, which represents her mastery over ego and ignorance.
  • Her peaceful aspect is represented by a lotus frond.
  • She holds a lamp of liberation.
  • She loves freedom.
  • She is creational.
  • She is the goddess of life’s turning points.
  • She is the goddess of transformation to a higher place.
  • She is devoted to truth.
  • She is an instigator, inspirer, messenger.
  • She is a trickster pushing you across the barriers to enlightenment.
  • She is poetic.
  • She tempts us toward spirituality.
  • She guards the deeper mysteries of the self.
  • She is unconventional, unexpected, spontaneous, dancing in bliss.
  • She is the energy cycle of creation, as depicted by  her dance of Gnosis, the wisdom and energy of the divine feminine.

***I found most of this information on “Dakini Energies.”

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